ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS

This is just one short part that serves as some kind of introduction. It is very personal and means a lot to me.The story is a lot longer and I will continue it soon. I hope you like it. :)

Part One

ALL THAT HEAVEN ALLOWS

         Oh well. Where to start this story. 

Let's say I'm a liar. A pretty, pretty good one too. The way I act out scenes, I haven't seen one actor do as good. I'm just stuck at the point of feeling wrong, but having no choice at all. Sometimes I even try to lie to myself, trying to convince my heart that if I go to sleep, tomorrow I won't remember. Although I know, no force on earth could make me forget. So, what happens is, I find myself here. I need to escape, somewhere. And tonight, I might even tell you a story. If you are willing to read it. I don't know if it's gonna be a short one or a long one, but I know that I need to write it down.

        

Last year, at this time everything was almost the same as it is now. I was just a normal student, growing up in an educated and loving family, having the person I love by my side. But you know these picture perfect stories, there is always something missing. Although I had almost everything I wanted and when I wanted it, my mind just wasn't focused on those things. I am that sort of person that does not like company, that stares at things and makes up stories in her mind, creates illusions in her mind and pictures things ten time more intense than they are. But hey, don't blame me, I know that some people feel the same and they know what I am talking about. However, I always tried my best, just for the sake of my parents, cause I never wanted to dissapoint them. College was going pretty good, my relationship was great, everything seemed fine. At least I tried to make it seem fine. I remember it all clearly although it was a year ago. I wasn't doing fine. At all. I remember being so sick, not being able to sleep at night, my thoughts would just swallow me. I tried so hard to get better but I couldn't. I was sick. Nobody could really understand that, cause I never told anyone, and I never let it show. Sometimes, I did tell my boyfriend how it all felt in my mind, but all it ever did was create anger and tension between us. So I cried, every night and every damn day. Those types of pills that put you to sleep, never ever made me close my eyes. I felt nothing. Like an empty dull shell. But hey, you gotta go on. You have to be thankful, remember, cause if you're not, you don't deserve any good in life. Oh God, what bullshit. I was thankful, every damn day, I tried so hard to be enough. That's when you feel the cutting again, the scars that heal, they heal only for the eye, but they forever remain.

 

Every day, was practicaly the same. Captured in the same damn routine every day. Headphones on, world off. Even if it's just for a time of about 45 minutes. That's all I had. The only place where nobody talked to me, and nobody asked anything, the only time I escaped the place that captured me the most. It was just a simple bus drive. But, you know what music can do to your mind, and to my mind it could do even more. Every day I would reset it to blank and start over. But oh, back then I wasn't a liar yet. I was the nice, cute, loving girl who smiles at everybody and never raises her voice. The part where i started to transform into a liar, began exactly a year ago. The boy I was with at that time loved me more than anything. And I swear I'm not lying at all, if I said, go get the moon for me.. he would not hesitate. I remember how much we went through together, I still can clearly recall the times when he cried in my arms, cause he needed me. He needed me, more than I would ever need him. I swear to God if you had ever wished for somebody to love you with your heart and soul, that is exactly what he did. I guess, God sometimes deliberately does these things. Cause he knew, I tried, I always tried to be the best I can. And I never, wanted to cause angry kind of pain to anyone. So I just continued, pretending. I guess I knew that nobody else would love me the way he did, and that’s why I stayed, not knowing that, the longer I stayed, the more it would hurt in the end.

 

Time passes, but I still feel trapped. At some moments I did feel something, it reminded me of some kind of feeling I could not describe. All I knew is that home didn’t feel like home anymore. I remember crying, almost every day, and him trying to cheer me up, which would only lead to heavy words which would stain forever. There was no escape, cause I did not know what to do. Home felt like hell, and life felt like prison. Even when I told them, how bad I was feeling, I was ignored. So I just went with it, like always. I remember years ago, cutting my wrists at school, cause I felt my life being so pointless, without the passion, without a meaning, how could I continue going this path that is always the same no matter how many miles I have walked. Empty minded, but full of ideas. Sometimes, to dream is all you’ll ever have.

 

And now comes the part, where I realized what a liar I was. I remember, not clearly, but I do. Same day as usual, same thoughts, month of February. Clouds washing the sky as if it had been dull for too long. Grass slowly peeking out, waking up from the restlessness of winter. Walking out, and I do remember that I smiled that day cause it was kind of sunny, and the air was just.. embracing me. Thinking about what kind of day it would be, planning in my head how it will all come out. Greeting my neighbors, who I know don’t really like me, but hey you got to act as if they do. I got to the bus station, and that day the girl I always used to talk was not there. So I was just staring at the sky, and silently listening to the words that would slip a bit louder than the others, from the people around me. I thought to myself, I can’t stand one of them. And then again thinking, you have to be nice even in your mind, cause otherwise you lose the person you are inside. And believe me I really did think that, and I was convincing myself in my mind to think so. The bus came. And as always I got in, expecting awkward stares, and waiting to just get a seat and put my headphones on. And you know the moments you get in and everybody just looks at you, and you only want it to be over. So I sat down, and my mind wanders again, to something. I was always disappointed at the end of the ride, cause I couldn’t imagine anymore. I loved to look out and look at the people waiting, the couples kissing, the kids running. I always wondered, are they thinking about somebody, are they thinking about anything or are they completely careless. Cause I wish I was. When you listen to music and look out the window it’s almost like a movie with thousand characters, who change every day.

I got out of the bus, and waited to cross the street. And then, I remember it as if it happened yesterday, I saw him looking at me. I didn’t know what I felt, but I felt something. As if the whole world took a pause, and that one second seemed longer than ever. And then, the world started again. As the bus was leaving, I stood there looking, not knowing why or how it even happened. But it did. I crossed the street and continued walking, just trying to erase it from my mind. The day went on as usual, but that day I felt something different. My mind was wandering again. I remember getting home, then remembering the moment, that split of a second, again and again. I smiled. I remember thinking to myself, no, don’t you dare think of him like that. But it was too late.

 

Remember those sleepless nights, and paths to the bus stop? Oh hell how interesting they were now. I dreamed of seeing him again. Somehow, anywhere. I thought to myself, just one more look, nothing more. That one short part of his time, of his life, having me in it. I didn’t see him for days, even though I hoped to. I was getting so nervous at the bus stop waiting, it sounds so silly to me now.

On Wednesday I saw him again. Walking into the bus, and I knew now. Out of all these awkward stares, I needed to find the one I desired to answer. I got inside and as soon as I could I looked around  to see if he was looking at me. And, there he was. Again. Time stops, as if everything was moving slowly around me, I just wanted it to last. I froze every moment I could to the bits. It was just him and me. Then everything again, started moving. I passed by his seat with my head down, but I was smiling. Now I couldn’t wait for the 45 minutes to be over. Goddamn, I was staring at him from behind, and just thinking about him. This time I saw him getting up first, and I thought to myself, you gotta act cool, look at him but not that intensely, don’t let him think anything out of it. Just imagine me being so excited and “not looking intensely”, what an intense look that was. He stood up, and I swear to God, as he looked at me I felt like he was so close to me. I just stared and I just felt, something.

That day, I was just somewhere else. And don’t get me wrong. I loved it endlessly. I just felt so ashamed of myself for being happy, and that the reason for my happiness was a stranger. How am I gonna explain this to myself. I.. already have somebody who loves me truly. How could I give somebody else the privilege to make me smile. But, it happened. I was guilty. And the lying started. But it was just the beginning of a long story which even today has not ended.

Images fade, but if you keep them in your mind, they forever retain every detail.

 It is a long story, and I will continue it some other day. Cause tonight, it makes me miss him again. So I ran away. This time.