UNDER MY SKIN

Trigger Warning: Reference to self harm

i can’t place the feeling

i just feel it

again

and again

time passes

i forget how it feels

how it really feels

in my chest

pumping through my blood

like a virus that lies dormant

that my white blood cells

can never fight off all the way

but again

and again

it never fails

now i feel it

pressed against my ribs

from the inside out

taking up the room

my lungs are supposed to occupy

compressing that small respiratory cavity

into a tiny cage

that traps my air

i can still breathe

but it hurts now

it will stop eventually

but always again

and again

it will leech my oxygen

until my lips turn blue

and my hands feel cold

i mimic a corpse

like a hostage

trying to convince their captor

there’s no use beating them

anymore 

i walk among the living

but when i feel this way

i am not alive

i am a prisoner 

to my thoughts

they are diligent guards

keeping a schedule

coming and going

isolating the inmate

when they act out of line

i don’t dare fight them

they tell me what to do

and i do it

or else they punish me

i make myself bleed for them

but i think i do it for me too

it feels so good

to give in to desire

i want to hurt

and when i allow myself pain

i bask in it

i am a snake 

bathing in springtime sun

i hide from the cold

i reject the winter weather

but i melt

i warm my scales

under the heat of 

white

hot 

pain

and then i know

with certainty

that i am

a l i v e

when the long gone sun returns

it ignites the fire

under my skin

that burns

until i let it out

i bleed fire

i bleed fire

i bleed out

the fire inside

that nobody sees

smoldering softly

in my fire pit heart

tiny embers glow

and shoot sparks

through my veins

stinging

singeing

my nerve endings

making my fingers buzz

the flame burns forever

burning low at times

but always burning

i see razors when i close my eyes

i swallow whole bottles of pills in my dreams

i once dreamed a cliff

i kept throwing myself off of

each time i got up

broken and bruised

to drag myself back

and jump again

that’s how i know

the fire never leaves

it burns bright somewhere deep

where i can’t reach

i try to put it out

but smothering it only burns me

it keeps me warm at night

but i stay shivering

because it is not a warmth that cares

it does not comfort me

in my cold

lonely 

bed

it tears me apart

from the inside out

i feel my core blistering

and bubbling 

under the nocturnal blaze

i can sleep it off most nights

i can fence it in

secure it safely

in a controlled area

but it eventually breaks out

it is a wildfire ravaging me

coming back

now and then

to finish the job

again

and again

until one day

it finally ends me

Reviews

[Anaisa]

Best I have read so far on this site. Absolutely speechless. The tone, the flow, the pace. Everything just flowed. And by God I felt. I felt it all. The more I read the more I felt. This is fantastic. The imagery is amazing. You need to publish this. Seriously.

[Lost]

Wow thank you so much! I've been thinking about publishing a collection of poems, and this really made me feel more confident about it. Thank you! :)

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

hi thankyou for your entry into my gobsmack me competition, thankyou for being so understanding, i missed this compmetition judging and am doing it today rather belatedly, thanks again for this wonderful piece, bravo to you for sharing your innermost everything!

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

self harm depression suicide its all there
very well written from the heart and from your inner feelings that you have experienced.
I presume this is about you and feel for you that you need to self harm
i liked the way you described each feeling in depth
its a very well written poem on a taboo subject
it shows the reader what it feels like to feel like this every minute of the day almost a prisoner to it
good luck in your future and take care xx thanks for entering this into my comp

[Lost]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate reading reviews; especially such an in depth, thoughtful one like this.

[Julie McCarthy (juliespenhere)]

i knew 2 people that self harmed
well 3 actually
only one made it
the othere 2 gone tragic
anyway
thanks for such an honest poem

[Lost]

Of course, thanks for sharing your thoughts :)