Magnetism

“At 1:47 in the morning the house is completely quiet. I had been watching the clouds cross the moon.  Everyone is asleep, including my dog Charlie softly snoring in the kitchen. It was time, time to go on an adventure. The floorboards make faint squeaks every time I take a step towards my window. With each step I take, anticipation grows in me.  I found the latch that unlocks the screen from the glass like I had done so many times before and with a simple push, I have my door to freedom. It was familiar to me to be sneaking out at this time of night but  I get an adrenaline rush like its my first time. Right leg out, then left, close my eyes, and jump and fall.

Falling is the best part. The seconds of having no control over anything and questioning if I made a bad decision, if I will die, or get hurt. Never stop, like Alice falling in the rabbit hole. I am staying still and the air is moving around me. I am not falling; I’m flying down into the night.

With a thump-p-p-p Im on the fresh earth. I like to think of it as the universe telling me I don’t have control. Bringing me back to itself. Like a magnet that our souls lead us to. A magnetism I crave. I want to feel alive. Push the limits of life, I’m gonna find out what it means to live. So I run into the darkness. With no goal or destination. Society teaches us that we have to “have a plan to where you are going in life.” I have been taught that by St. Peter’s Catholic School since I could talk. Honestly, I dont care about being told how to live. I’m running away from it all. 

I am electric. My blood is pulsing through me like waves, pushing my heart to create my own drum line in my ears. I have never felt this alive. All of the other times I had snuck out, I would simply exist. Feeling the pull of the universe. But now, I am alive. I will never only exist again. I keep running until there is no more earth to run on. So I sit and think on this ledge; the ocean crashing on the rocks hundreds of feet below me, and the stars smiling down at me. I have to enjoy the moment. 

I find myself at the edge, the edge of everything. I am no longer contained by my body. I am life. I am free. I want this freedom forever. I have found the secret of living. So I will stand and fall, to unleash the beautiful soul inside this human shaped container.”

I found this note written in the dirt on my 16th birthday. I think it’s beautiful. There aren’t many good things in this world. This person didn’t commit suicide, she was born into the place we all try to find.