Through an Anxiety Attack

A Story by casey f

This piece is actually posted on my blog (thebelljarexperiment.wordpress.com) but I wanted to get some feedback on it here.

I do this to myself. WHY do I do this to myself. I literally know exactly what the outcome is going to be. And yet here we are, I'm looking. I'm actually hoping something is there so that I can get angry. Why do I want to see it? Why do I want to find it? What is wrong with me? Who actually looks for this stuff that will hurt them. I do, because I'm an idiot.

I'm looking at her instagram, I'm looking at them together. I'm looking at the one person in the world that has hurt me more than anyone with the person I hate more than anyone. I knew it would be there. I expected it. We have enough similar friends now that I get to see it everywhere.

I'm just staring at this picture in the car. I'm staring and staring and staring and looking at their stupid faces that shouldn't mean anything to me. But they do, all it reminds me of is how stupid I feel that I still care. And I can't tell anyone I still care because then people will tell me I have no self esteem, that I need to move on, that I'm better, kinder, smarter, actually going somewhere with my life.

But I can't, and I can feel my heart beating in my throat. I can feel my pulse in my wrist and I'm just holding my hands together so that they could please stop shaking. I need to hold this in, I can't have a panic attack in the car. I can't go full on panic in the car, I can't do it. But I'm lightheaded, I have a headache from telling myself to shut up and I'm trying not to cry. I could throw up with how hard I'm trying to keep my body from exploding. I need to stop, they don't care about me, why the hell do I care about them so much. But I can't stop. I can't calm down. I know I'm going to throw up, I can feel it. It's the worst part, it's the only part I can't hide. It's the physical evidence that this moment is killing me.

It's moments like these where I think everything I've drilled into my brain is worthless. Take deep breathes casey; no. Think about what makes you happy instead; no. Talk to someone about it, just reach out; no. I can't make myself feel better right now, I'm not going to be able to change how I feel. I can't even reach out to anyone because it's been over for so long.

Instead I'm just sitting in this car, feeling like my stomach is on a rollercoaster and it won't last long and my heart beating so fast that it actually hurts. I want to close my eyes so that I don't feel dizzy but then I see that stupid picture and everything that shouldn't matter to me but it does. It does matter and as much as everyone wants to tell me that it shouldn't, it does.