My Life

When I was a little girl, I grew up believing it was true:

No dream was too high, no star was out of reach,

Anything was possible--now those illusions are dead,

Along with the false possibilities they preach.

Since that pure time of youth,

many shattering years have passed,

Bringing few firsts, but many lasts;

Sudden downpours of tears falling in silent rains,

A thousand heartbreaking questions no one ever explains

Drowning emotions howling in devasting storms:

Twisted by grief, an unstable personality malforms

And the person I was, or was meant to be,

Appears no longer to exist,

Someone I once knew but cannot see,

Someone, apparently, who is missed,

By more than just the likes, or is that the lies, of me.

I didn't understand, and I still don't, today...

As all my dreams were chained and led away,

A life that was unwanted and undesired came to stay,

Perched upon my shoulder like an unwelcome demon,

Persistently whispering for my attention

Whose presence everyone could plainly see, but chose

Oh-so-politely not to mention

Because, of course, everybody knows,

There are no such things in this dimension--

Few, if any, victories; no lessons learned, at all;

Just some seldom-voiced hollow apologies

As dark emptiness accompanies

My ruined soul after each fall;

(For it seems that only what is forged in sorrow

Becomes a part of my tomorrow;)

I am filled with pain, can’t cope with untold fears;

Eternal fires of hope, once remnants of the love my heart still bears,

Long since turned to ashes in ancient agonies burning for merciless years,

My mind is full of second thoughts, my mind’s eye, of backward glances,

Caught by constant, pointless regrets over long-gone wasted chances--

And in my weary soul a little girl no longer dances,

Nor runs in glorious freedom over the emerald green grass,

She is now lost, not led, nor allowed to pass,

Never again to hear the familiar music of home,

Forever in the shadows, she is condemned to roam,

Searching for what she knew was best,

That life she chose to lose;

A choice no excuse can ever excuse,

The knowledge that she failed the test

And that in His great silence, God watched her choose.

Reviews

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

Owww... {hugs} ... that pulled something, hard... kind of hurt too. {checking} yes, hurt a lot. I've heard it said that the choices we make in life are things we agreed to do before we were born. Because we had something to learn. I don't know if it's true or not. It's just another one of those things that seems to offer a bit of temporary solace and a shelter from the embarrassment at having made such poor decisions. Fear and doubt; the mind killers and guilt the destroyer of souls.

[catofjade]

"Guilt the Destroyer of Souls", man that's good, can I use the "Destroyer of Souls" part in my book? (bad guy nome de plume) but it's what you said in your first two lines that really got me. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to respond to this poem. Means more me than my words can say, and that's saying a lot...

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

Short answer, sure. But I'm sure it's not original. I tried to do a computation once. A frivolous thing that might suggest the number of words that have been written by the human race since the dawn of time. It's a rather large number. In fact a good visualization of the number would be to imagine that every drop of water in all the oceans of the Earth is one of those words; down through the ages, over time.. and I only counted the ones that presuppose a conventional understanding of the history of humanity. There are other theories of "us" that might increase the number... um, astronomically. ;-)

[Quattro Hall]

I read this and take in that commin of age.
It like What I all ways say
"ignorance is bliss, Darkness is Pain. I would rather live in darkness then live in ignorance"
I lot the ( insert curse words here) of this.
peas in pod good lady.

[catofjade]

Thank you! Pain the pen that draws the life, Love the hope that quells the strife.