Anxiety

You wouldn’t know it from the way she moves, but she’s watching you, waiting for a weak moment. She is waiting to wrap you up in her cold arms, kissing you gently, spreading the poison through her finger tips. Her soft caress is intoxicating at first. You feel a little overwhelmed whenever she is around, but you are always afraid of the emptiness that will fill you if she leaves. In the happy moments, she is the sinking feeling in your stomach that this won’t last forever. She kisses your neck, knowing the aftershock she leaves will drive you crazy. When you begin to question the motives of your friends and family, she will comfort you in your solitude and assure you they aren’t good for you anyways. There will be days when she begs you to crawl back in bed with her, just one more moment of comfort. So, you agree. It doesn’t matter if you are late for work, or you miss class. You get a quiet moment with her, while she holds you and keeps you close. The nagging in your stomach will be begging you to pry yourself lose from her hold, but you can’t. When she is that close to you, nothing else matters. People tell you that something is wrong, you’re acting different. You brush them off, tell them nothing is wrong, because she is right there, gripping your hand so hard it hurts.

Her hands aren’t so soft anymore. The kisses stay on your neck like bruises, aching every time you brush against them. The days of skipping class are still there; you just don’t even try to get out of bed anymore because you know you can’t tell her no. She still holds tight to you, but it has turned to the hold of an iron lung that you cannot escape from. By this time, she has invited over her friend. This friend will hold you tighter and tighter, until you can’t breather. He keeps you close to her as well, not wanting to steal you away completely. He enhances the worry she causes, and adds to the stories in your head. These two fit together better than any couple you have ever seen, and they invite you to stay in the home they have made for you. It is cold and dark here. You see the sun shining through the window, but it can’t warm you like it used to. You’re in an observation room, and everyone around you is watching you, but not helping you. They can see you, but they cannot see that you’re dying inside.

People don’t ask you how you are doing anymore; they got tired of seeing you spew lies of being okay through your teeth. You sit. You wait for the text that isn’t going to come. No one is coming to save you from this pair. You ignored them when things seemed magical, and now people don’t care. Your hair starts to dull; your skin loses its shine. The things that used to make your eyes glimmer don’t affect you anymore. The black poison from your closest friends is spreading through you. It sinks into your skin when she wraps your hair through her fingers. When he pulls you closer, you can feel the parts of your skin that he is touching die. Slowly, but all at once, you are consumed. Their love fills you, and you are overwhelmed with trying to get away and be free, but not wanting to leave them behind. You know you cannot survive any longer if you stay close to them. They are killing you. And they don’t care.

When you decide to cut them free, it will be difficult. They will call to you from bed, wrapped in the dirty sheets you once shared, needing you to comfort them. You will walk away. You will leave her sobbing so hard that it hurts to watch, and he will glare at you while he holds her tight. As you brush your teeth and get dressed, he will stand behind you, watching you in the mirror. She will fall to the floor and clutch your legs, and beg you to just please stay, but you cannot give in. You will crave his tender embrace in the moments where you feel alone. Inviting her in to dance just one more time will seem like the only option at times. Rejecting them will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.

Even once you think you have moved on and you’re free from their burden, you will see them watching you from a distance. Sometimes, he will sneak up behind you and wrap his cold arms around you, and you will be tempted to give in to his touch. She will stand behind your friends, trying to get your attention, begging you to come back to her. They are with you on the nights you spend alone, staring at the ceiling, wondering what you did wrong or what you could do to change things. They will be next to you on the mornings when it seems too hard to get out of bed, or brushing your teeth seems like too big of a task. They will never be you. They can never mimic the way you smile when you talk about that new song you heard, the book you just read, or the person you just met. They will always be part of you, but they are not you.