the sober you

A Poem by cechx

losing the one I loved most to addiction

I would really like to see the sober you again. The one who pushed me to love myself, the one who helped me see the good in the world. I miss your laugh and the way you would talk me up in the mirror. I miss the colourful vibrance you brought to any room you entered.

I miss being proud of you.

I remember congratulating you on your diploma and watching you overjoy about action figures, I remember the unique person you introduced me to, the one who didn’t care what others thought. I miss you being my safe place instead of being the person I worry endlessly about even though I’ve removed you from my life.

That day we swore to keep each other safe stopped mattering when they got you to relapse and suddenly that pinky promise didn’t mean anything anymore.

When I look at you, I see a stranger, not the person I told my secrets over the phone to at 3am during the summer nights.

When I look at you, I see the monster you feared most at night when the world was quiet.

I slowly watched your happy, bright self, disappear.

And I promised myself; I will never become my best friend.

I removed you out of my life before you got the chance to take me out of yours, everything that even resembled a freckle of you disappeared faster than I could process it, and just like that, you were gone.

Your name was blacklisted, any mention of you was hushed to a whisper, as far as everyone was concerned, you were nobody to us again.

I would like to see the sober you again, the one who smiled, the one who cracked a “that’s-what-she-said” joke at any chance you would get.

The person who replaced you isn’t you, you aren’t the person I once loved, you aren’t the one I told my mother I wanted to marry. You’re not the same person who taught me how to long board, or the person who drew silly drawings in my math books for me to find later.

youre not you, and i miss you.