Jarred Baby Food

TW: Mentions of self harm

"Should I order some baby food?"

"Why the f**k are you even considering�""

"It's twenty five percent off on Amazon."

"Oh my God, you're unbelievable."

"Rice with vegetables and chicken."

"Oh no, if you're getting baby food, don't get anything that's in the jars. It's absolutely disgusting." The words tumble out instinctively, and the two go silent. F**k. This is what I get for trying to be sociable. S**t, s**t s**t, I haven't said anything at all throughout my time in the voice channel and one time I say something, it's about stupid f*****g baby food.

"How would you know that?" He, username Sushi, asks, a hint of suspicion in his voice. Good Lord, I can already picture his brows furrowing, accompanied with one of those smiles that says, this is amusing but also mildly uncomfortable.

"I, uh, tried them before." My lips move before my brain could even process what was going on. "Don't get the jarred food, though the baby biscuits, like Farley's Rusks, are pretty good." Shut the f**k up, why are you still talking?

"How did it taste?" She, username Weenie, asks, and even though her tone is kinder, my head refuses to stop telling me that she's judging me. She's secretly laughing at me. She's calling me weird.

"Nothing like rice with vegetables and chicken."

"Why would you even eat baby food in the first place?" I can already picture the disgusted look on Sushi's face, even if I didn't know what he actually looks like. I try my best to laugh casually, but it comes out garbled.

"Well, sometimes you just do stupid s**t, y'know?"

And sometimes, you feel like s**t, so you would make yourself feel even shittier. Imagine a nineteen year old girl sitting on the disgusting carpeted floor in her dorm room, feeling nothing but emptiness and a desperate desire to just stop. She's just sitting there, in a cramped little corner, shovelling the jarred form of Grandma's Sunday Roast into her mouth and gagging at the taste while tears stream down her face. She can't bear to stomach real food, so she puts herself through this torture instead. She eats her stupid Farley's Rusks and finds comfort in them, only to cry even harder over the fact that she's comforted by stupid, stupid, stupid baby teething biscuits. A cold room, and in it is a cold body surrounded by cold, cold jars.

"Uh, hey. Sorry. It's late, I gotta go. It was fun talking to you all."

Lie, lie, lie. 

They say goodbye and I disconnect from the voice channel, quit Discord, shut down my laptop, and put it back in its case. They can't see me anymore. Not that they could before, but it felt like they could. The room spins, my breathing becomes irregular, it's as if a hand has circled my throat, pressing against my arteries. Nails so short it feels as if I'm using a blunt object to cut my skin. Saliva dribbles from the corner of my lips as I flop onto the bed, watching the ceiling lowering itself onto me. The room is an airtight jar, and I'm being squashed in. Let the oxygen run out. Please. 

Maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe it was my stupid self thinking that there was a chance for a friendship to grow between me and Sushi. Maybe he thought I'd be just as fun as I portrayed myself to be in my recordings. A comment here, an upvote there, a DM to sing praises, a follow to solidify a relationship. But all those things shatter once you make it real. Like how Blueberry Bonanza sounds like that it wouldn't be bad, but it's been processed so many times that it tastes stale and sickeningly sweet.

Me: thank you for your audio! your voice was really relaxing and it lulled me to sleep.

Sushi: Thank you for listening! It means a lot to me.

Sushi: Hey, I saw your post about these random a******s making romantic and sexual advances on you, and I'm really sorry you had to go through all that."

Me: yeah, it sucks big time, especially when they say, "i made an audio response to one of your audios and i hope you'll listen to it!" only to reveal a picture of their dick when you click on the link.

Sushi: God, why are guys like that?

Me: you're a guy, wouldn't you know?

Sushi: Yeah, but I seriously can't seem to wrap my head around that.

Maybe it's the desperate need for affection, attention and validation. Maybe it's the idea that someone who doesn't actually know who I really am is happy to spend time with me. Maybe it's just all made up in my head and I've chosen to accept it as reality. Whatever.

"Why are you in the voice channel alone?" I let out a yelp, not expecting anyone to come into the channel at two in the morning. Sushi lets out a soft chuckle that is half-air, half-sound, and I feel my cheeks burning up. He's waiting for a reply, but my heart's in my throat and nothing comes out. It's almost as if I physically muted myself. Press the shift key to toggle the unmute button. Shift. Shift. Shift. For f**k's sake, SHIFT.

"Technically, Groovy is in the channel with me. So like, I'm not, like, completely alone," I finally say, slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand. God, could I be any stupider?

"Well, yeah," he replies, a hint of amusement in his voice. "The sound quality is s**t though. You're better off listening to your music on Spotify."

"I like the mild distortion and fuzziness. Kind of comforting. Somewhat."

"You find distortion and fuzziness comforting? Hmm, I can see the appeal. Somewhat." The judgmental tone I felt I heard the other was gone, but why does it feel like I'm being analysed right now?

We're both silent for awhile, and the music plays in the background. Maybe I should've picked a better playlist. The songs in here are just an indicator that I live a very sad life. Literally, what are these titles? "listening to lofi on your own at a party"? I'm really not living up to the persona I've crafted for myself.

"So," he breaks the silence. "Why are you up? Isn't it like, two in the morning where you're at?"

"Yeah, I guess I couldn't sleep, so I'm just studying."

"Wow, studying when you can't sleep? That's some dedication right there."

"Guess I'm huge nerd."

"Guess there's a lot I don't know about you then."

"Did you think you knew me?" He goes quiet, and I lean in a little closer to my screen. All we ever had were those audios that were so obviously scripted. Unless... Unless he chose to believe that the persona I crafted was actually me, like I did for him? He doesn't say anything for awhile.

"Well, I suppose I thought you were going to be as outgoing as you were in your audios," he finally responds. "When the truth is, you're a lot quieter in real life. And has also voluntarily eaten baby food."

"It's the anxiety for me, I guess," I say, shrugging my shoulders, even though he can't see me. He will never see me. He laughs, and I wished that I could loop it over and over again. 

"I guess... I guess I was a bit naive for thinking you would be exactly the same person I listened to," he sighs. "But it's pretty hypocritical of me to think so, right? I'm not exactly who I portray myself to be either."

"Really?"

"What, did you think I'd be the exact same?"

"Well, maybe you're a bit more judgmental than I thought?" I say. "But like! Like, that could totally just be like, my paranoia talking." Nice save? He lets out a hearty laugh.

"I do think I'm a little bit judgmental," he replies. "While my audios make it seem like I'm a kind-hearted person who will love you forever." There's a hint of sadness in his voice, but I don't dare to pry any further. We aren't even friends.

"Looks like we're both lying hypocrites."

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" I can almost imagine a smirk forming on his lips.

"Do you think you'll do this for a long time?"

"What, being a lying hypocrite?" His tone is playful, but there's an air of cockiness that surrounds it.

"Very funny. But that's not what I meant. Do you think you'll make audios for a long time?"

He pauses. "Probably not. It was just for a bit of fun. You?"

"Yeah, me neither. I mean, I've already taken two breaks from this whole business, so..."

"As long as we provide listeners with temporary comfort, right?" He sounds tired. But I'd rather not pry.

"But don't you feel a bit mean? Because it's temporary?"

"There's always going to be content from the community, and I think I'd feel weird if I were in a relationship and continued to make these 'boyfriend experience' audios." 

"I guess that's true."

"But for yours..." I sit up a little straighter, my eyes glued to his icon on the screen. He continues, "Yours are really chill. Whether we're pretending that we're in a relationship or not, I feel close to you."

He lets out a sigh. "Though I suppose that's only through the audios. Look at us now, we can barely have a conversation."

Sushi sounds so far away. My hand reaches out, fingertips grazing the screen lightly. Say something, anything! Get to know him! Prove him wrong! I open my mouth to speak.

The lid of the jar is squeezed shut.

He disconnects from the voice channel.