(not) GREAT

No one has ever said i wasn't enough, i have been too much more times then i can count, but not to little, i have always been much, i had a personality to fit my towering height as a child, and still do, charis was not a name people forgot, i don't have a personality someone would just forget, i always knew i would be great at something, i had to be, i switched hobbies often, but eventually as i grew up i knew i would be GREAT at something, anything really, dance, or singing or theater or sewing or art or writing or baking, anything, but i would be great at something, no one would forget me. I would be great. I would rather be great at one thing then fine at a million. People won't remember the girl who was just fine at a bunch of things, but if i could just be great at one thing, be one of the bests, people couldn't forget me even if they wanted to. My siblings and friends all found their things, drawing, making music, musical theater, cars. But I didn't get too stressed about it, everyone found their thing at a different time, I would find mine, it was just taking time, but i would find it. I had to. If there's a hobby out there there's a good chance I've tried it, and I'm probably fine at it, I'm good at learning new skills fast. But being fine at things doesn't cut it. I must be great. I always get called selfish if I complain about not being great at something, because “you should be grateful you're fine at so many things, you're a jack of all traits, and that's great!” NO! No, it's not great! I must be great! I have to be! Everyone else is great at something! I can not be less than them! I must be GREAT!!! 

But I'm not…. I'm not great…at anything, I'm fine and even good at hundreds of things, but not one am I great at. I just keep telling myself I will find it someday to keep the thought of dying a mediocre person from eating me alive. But I am starting to lose hope. I know I may seem young but I am sick, and I may have 60 more years, or I may have 2. There's no way to know. And the possibility of dying before I am great keeps seeming more and more possible, probable at this point if we are honest. I am just tired, and sad and sick, and I am not great. I'm starting to think I never will be. I will die and everyone will forget me, and I will not be great