Love tantrum

Amazing what rejection can conjure

She’s beauty sprinkled with mystery of the ocean, an object of attention, I care not for her, but leaving is depression. She’s love, she’s hate, darkness and light �" she creates a divided opinion.

The friction between us gains as the calendar crawls, my perceived progress all but stalls, ‘she’s not my type.’�"as I run through her flaws. But I remain resilient - sweeping with a flurry of calls.

My flirtatious gestures  effortlessly transformed to gas - an envy to a chemist of my class.

Maybe I’m seen as a digital being - trapped in her phone, but I stay optimistic, that one day, I’d be seen as human rather than a drone. My heart ices up cause she’s cold, frozen like sundae on a cone.

This is not a love-gone-bad letter but rather a note to relieve my scorn so it doesn’t fester , I don’t hate her  but I've made a move to be less a dreamer.

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

"with mystery of the ocean" I think you need a 'the' in between the 'with' and 'mystery.'
"darkness and light " she " and "‘she’s not my type.’"as I " get rid of the unnecessary "s.

You have a couple turn of phrases that really stick out to me ("Maybe I’m seen as a digital being - trapped in her phone" and "mystery of the ocean" are both very nice), but I think quite a few others feel like you reached for the easy word or concept and generalized rather than personalizing the work ("but leaving is depression. She’s love, she’s hate, darkness and light.") I'm assuming that you saw my review of Stevo's poem, and, actually I think some of the comments I have may be similar in some senses. I think that you have some interesting word choices, but I think this piece lacks some metaphorical unity that could better cement this all together. Like Stevo's piece, I'm not sure I'm getting a good idea of the relationship the 'she' had with the speaker or what 'she' is really like. It seems like an observance from afar when I read, but then some of the phrases and descriptions conflict with that reading of it, such as why the speaker's in her phone and why the speaker would call this 'love.' I think this distancing is occurring through the generalizations I mentioned before. What is love to the speaker? How does his (I assume) love manifest in this relationship? What are the moments the two are together like? How is she both darkness and light and/or love and hate? The speaker mentions flaws . . . what are they? What are the flirtatious gestures? How is the woman cold? Why does she see the speaker as a drone? Why were the two together and why, now, are they separate? Providing answers to some of these questions might help a lot to really flesh this poem out and provide it with a unique voice. I know what love, hate, flaws, and all these other abstract concepts mean to me - but what do they mean to you? (Or, well, to the speaker, depending on what you're trying to do with the poem.) I mean, a flaw could be biting her nails or it could be her being bipolar - two very, very different reasons to not be with someone and two reasons which could potentially have very different meanings for why the speaker is on the fence about this relationship.
I think this needs more detail - beauty does nothing for me, it tells me very little about what type of beauty she has or what she looks like or even what the speaker values as beautiful, it just tells me the speaker finds it in her. Mystery of the ocean does provide me with a little bit more of something simply because the speaker chose to associate the ocean with the woman described. I think this could maybe be expanded and explained more, but it is giving me an image and somewhat informing me on how to think of this woman. You specify mystery, but maybe exploring a more specific idea of how the ocean is mysterious might help to create a stronger association with what you want - I'm thinking clear, blue beaches, but I think you might be talking more mysterious like the unexplored depths of the ocean? At any rate, most of the issues I have are stemming from generalities which aren't explaining the subtleties of the relationship and individuals to me. Your verbs are good in that they pop and really stand out, and you have a few good images, but I think there may need to be more consideration put into how these images fit in with the broader idea of the relationship. The idea that someone's 'cold' seems a bit cliche to me . . . is there a better way you could portray that idea?

You should probably look into how your word choice affects mood, too. I don't think the words are quite contributing to a sense of loss or sadness that I think this poem wants to have. Part of it, I think, stems from the sing-song rhyme. I don't think this poem should rhyme. To be honest, though, I only really think rhyming works with happy poems, though, so it is a personal opinion. In any case, I think rhyming generally promotes finding a word that fits with another - rather than finding the perfect word which describes the mood, the ideas, or whatever else may be packed into it. When it's done at its best, I think rhyming needs to be thought of in terms of what it adds to the poem and the poem's meaning - and it should be done in a way that doesn't feel easy or forced. Here, I think some of the words are working, but since your rhyme isn't consistent it's a bit strange when it pops up suddenly. I wasn't sure that it was purposeful - and rhyming should always feel purposeful, at the very least.

One last note . . . I think you should seriously consider structure. I'm not sure why the lines break where they do, nor am I sure that your punctuation is that way besides it being grammatically correct (though some of it isn't. If you need help finding what I'm talking about, just ask.) One of the things that can really elevate a poet is attention to punctuation and enjambment. If you break the line right you can do a lot of interesting things that screw with the reader a bit and punctuation can do similar things and really clue the reader in on what rhythm you intended the poem to have and how it should be read.

Keep at it. I think once you get more into specificities (which you've started to do in certain areas) your work will really start to shine and move the reader. Maybe you'll be describing something specific, but moving a reader to feel empathy is best achieved through said specifics. Reading about a bipolar woman who slips in between someone the speaker finds beautiful and wonderful and another crazy, venomous creature is much more compelling than a woman who has undefined flaws. (I'm not trying to harp on that one in particular, just trying to illustrate a point. =P) Good luck!