17:08pm.

This is a little something I wrote while dealing with my sickle cell pain, and the side effects that come with being on opiates. It's a tough battle, and I needed to get on paper what was happening.

There’s an idea hovering near me. Right now. As in, right now, right this minute.

I can hear it, fluttering nearby and whispering my name, the vibrations in the air pulling me towards it, the song it’s singing lulling me, like a symphony. It wants to put me in a trance, and I want to let it.

I can just about hear it, just about. 

But I can’t see it. 

I can’t see it, because so many things are standing right in front of it, blocking it’s view of me, and mine of it.

Dependency is in my face. She’s rude, and she’s being unfair. She doesn’t want me to look at anything else but her, she doesn’t want me to care about anything else but her, she wants to be the only thing I care about. She dares me to try and deal with her, to send her away, she taunts me to the point of anger and tears. She knows, that even if I manage to push her away, that by 10pm that night I’ll go looking for her again and ask her to stay with me.

Fear has always been here. He’s not mean, or cruel, or vicious. In truth, I’m sure fear and I can co-exist. And if I asked him to move out of the way he would. The problem with fear is that he’s needy. Needy baby, greedy baby. Fear has his hand up all the time, wanting me to pay attention to him, and listen to him above everyone else. Fear convinces me that ideas are a waste of time, ideas are for the bold and the brilliant. Fear asks that I keep it simple. 

Then there’s negativity. Negativity made herself visible truly when I was 19 years old. She is strong, unmoving and unwilling. I can’t push her out of the way just like that, I have to convince her that her standing to the side is in her best interest; that is the only way she will move. Negativity and fear have a love hate relationship, and when they argue they always get me involved, right in the middle of them both. Negativity believes, there is no point in anything because nothing really matters. She states there is no point listening to ideas, learning their song, because nothing will come of it except me getting hurt. Negativity can be quite convincing.

Pain is here too. I refuse to be friends with him. I don’t want him here. I remember when I was told that he would be a part of my life forever, that he’s practically one of the family. I cried for a while after this, and he taunted me as I cried. Pain doesn’t care about anything but making sure I don’t do anything without him there. He’s started to come around more often, popping his head around when I come out of the shower, leaning on me when I try and do chores, making sure as hell I don’t forget that he’s there. We don’t like each other, and I know I have to learn to be okay with him because he’ll be here forever. I know we need to call a truce, but I just don’t want to.

So, they block my view of the idea. They keep me away from it, and it away from me. They drove away inspiration, contentment and discipline a good while ago. I know they’re trying to come back, but fear, dependency, pain and negativity won’t allow them. Especially negativity, she doesn’t want anyone to have her spot. I worry she may be making extra room for weakness as well.

This idea that flutters nearby, calling me towards it, daring me to be brave, I think it is beautiful, and like a butterfly with the grace that it is using to try and meet me. But to dependency, fear, pain and negativity; the idea is simply a fly that needs to be squashed.

Author's Note

Bear with me on any grammatical errors, it was late and I was tired lol. I've been told that when it comes to writing from the heart, grammar is what we want it to be... I dunno if I believe this entirely lol.