Lost

A Story by clowncutter

Lost

He was numb to the world around him. It was all a mindless blur as time itself began to degrade beyond the possible comprehension of his mind. None of it matters. That vicious voice said. There it was, that nagging omniscient voice in the back of his mind, watching his every move. Every miss-step, every mistake analyzed and examined under a microscope to narrow down just exactly how it was all his fault and he was truly useless. His entire life he fought against it, for every brutal strike he would respond back with any wannabe optimist bullshit he could trick himself into believing.

He embraced the empty abyss of that voice now. He was done fighting. He was done resisting. It was time to stop lying and embrace to morose facts. He was alone. Not on in a physical sense, no on a mental sense. Not a living soul on earth cares about him. His name never brings a smile to the lips of those who speak it, nor does his memory give any lasting emotion. He was just another face in a crowd, a grain of sand in a desert. He lied and denied this fact to himself every night the voice tried to strike him down, he came up with millions of fake excuse as to why his supposed friends never cared about him.

He wanted it to be true so much. Every moment of his sad existence was a constant battle of denial and a masterfully crafted faced in an attempt to disguise his sadness as happiness. But here he was, the ashes of his live all around him, every broken promise, every dream as a child he let wither and die because it dared to be different then what was popular, every supposed friend, all nothing but memories of potential ignored. A million different scenarios played out in his head, and all of them lead up to this moment.

He could hear sirens in the distance, and a pounding on the door. He knew door would only hold so long before it gave way, this was his last chance. His last chance for a final peace. He was a coward if he went for it and a coward if he didn’t, did it matter anymore? The wind blowing across his body provided a small shred of comfort for him, the only solace he could find. He could feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, and all he had to do to free himself from this eternal hell was just take one step.

He heard the door begin to crack and give. Like him it could only take so much more before it became broken. Or was he made broken? Perhaps that would explain why he never fit in, why he could never find the delicious normality that he so very much craved. His stomach was doing somersaults right now, his very soul itself and hybrid of nervous and anxious. The door gave way with a loud CRACK as it gave out.

He looked back briefly, hoping that his mind was tricking him. As he saw 3 figures charge out of the doorway he couldn’t help but feel his heart sink in his chest. He looked away as the surrounded him, he didn’t much care what they did anymore. What was the worst they could do, shoot him? You wouldn’t be worth the bullet. He tried to gather up any courage in his body, even the slightest shred hidden away in a pinkie or toe would be enough, and yet again he was found wanting. Coward.

He heard a voice amongst the strangers. This voice caught his attention because it had something in it that he had never heard before, at least he never heard it directed at him before. “concern”. A strange thing to hear, especially now. Now would be the last time to worry about him, he was an inch away from freedom. They pretend to care so because it’s their job, you know no-one cares. You know they mock you behind your back. “step back from the ledge, it’s not worth it ok? This isn’t going to make things better! Come back to us and we can help you” she said, her shaky voice giving away her inexperience with the subject at hand. Perhaps she was a stranger? You know no stranger would risk anything for you. Perhaps they sent a rookie to get some experience? It’s not like if they fail they lose anything of worth.

He responded back, curious of what speech was going to be thrown at him. At this point he felt like heard them all, it would be impressive to see a new one. “it doesn’t matter, there’s nothing to help. This is just who I am.” He said, his voice cracking from the nervous-ness. Even now you still can’t do anything right. He looked down and saw they street and the cars, a sight that looked both tantalizing and intimidating at the same time. Jump. “that’s not true, nothing is making this happen. Please just step down, you may not know it but there are people who care about you. Don’t do this to them!”.

He has heard this speech before, the whole selfishness of it. He found issue with this in two areas, the first and most important being that there was no one for him. No family left alive, no friends to care, no lover to come home to. If people can get over brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, then they won’t have any issues forgetting a pathetic stranger who is almost in a permanent state of failure. The second issue is that why can others so blindly and selfishly chase after what makes them happy, yet he can’t? Because they actually matter. You are nothing, you deserve nothing. You have no reason to waste their time. Jump.

He responded back, in the same tired voice that has long since let the entropy of the weight of the burden he bears sink in “but that’s just not true, you don’t know me. I’m alone. No one cares. I don’t even care. Just go. Please.” He was torn between begging them to help him or to push him, he honestly didn’t know which would be for the best. He’s been down this road before. A day. A week. Sometimes even a month. But it always comes back. The abyss, the voice. The never ending rut that drags him deep into the dark depths of despair. He can’t escape it. And without it what would he be? Nothing.

He heard her clichéd response and could help but feel angered. She said “I may not know who you are, but I care.” He felt something stir in him that he hadn’t felt in an eternity. It was emotion. It was something other than the cold sadness, it was a burning rage. He turned to her, anger in his eyes. “bullshit you do. You know how many people looked me in the eyes and f*****g said s**t like that to me? Do you know how many of them bothered to stay in-touch, bothered to even talk to me once a YEAR?!?! NONE. People I have known my entire life couldn’t be assed to even send me a quick one word two letter text, WHAT THE F**K MAKES YOU THINK I BELIEVE YOU?” her response caught him by surprise. “because I do. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what you’ve done. You’re a person just like me. I was like you once, I was broken and bitter. Some stranger just like me saved me from destroying my life, some random face in a crowd cared about me. People care about you, just because they don’t know you yet doesn’t mean they don’t care. Please trust me, this isn’t the answer.”

He noticed that now she was crying. She wasn’t police, she was wearing jeans and a faded blue hoodie. “please” she continued “just step down from the ledge, you’re only going to hurt more people if you do this.” you’re not important enough to affect one. She was able to sneak up on him, getting closer and closer without him noticing. She was within arm’s reach, with an arm extended. “just take my hand, we can work this out, we can make this better. It’s not too late!”. He looked her in the eyes, he wanted more than anything to believe her. He couldn’t though, he had been lied to and betrayed to many times before, it was just too late. “I’m sorry, I wish I could” he said. He landed backwards and let gravity take him. He felt weightless as he hung there in the air.

She saw him lean back, his feet leave the roof. She saw in shock the mix of fear and acceptance on his face as he began to fall. Time began to slow, the world around her came to a screeching halt. You failed. Decried the voice in the back of her skull. “no” was the only thing her brain could pull. The only thing that came to her was to stop this from happening. She leapt forward and grabbed his legs, the force as his weight was stopped almost pulled her off the roof too. The two people who came through the door with her were there in a instant, helping here pull the man back up. He just sat there, defeated. His shoulders slumped and his head down. He was alive. That was all that mattered.