I Must Not Tell...

To tell: to notify, to announce, to reveal, to divulge, to disclose, to confess, is to finally comprehend…?

         To tell would perhaps even be to destroy, to change; lives, perspectives, opinions, and relationships, of others and myself. To tell would be for selfish reasons, rather than for self-respect. To tell would be for pride, for relief! for hope or possibility, for self-confession, perhaps even for laughs! After all, secrets are no fun, no use to us, unless they are spilt… but for spite, and at the expense of your own regard…? I could scream it from the rooftops! You have all been fooled! I have shared this precious secret as well as you…! But to no gain, for me or others; instead I keep quiet, bottle it up, and repress and secure it behind that door to my memory, absent-mindedly throwing away the key, trying hard not to think twice; it was wrong, it is hopeless, it is past.

To tell would mean release, rather than unseen internal self-destruction. Yet self-destruction is inevitable, even if I tell. Not to tell is self-control, self-esteem, belief, learning, coping… It is my secret, my mistake; kept safe in my sheltered world. I shall carry on, yet deposit it within the depths of my mind; keep it, secretly treasure it, and learn from it so not to suffer such future mistakes again.

Or will I curse it, forever regret it; unconsciously letting it sabotage this present and my future? No, although I am neither shallow nor particularly deep, I will still secretly admire you and suffer no shame from anyone except myself; a shame I can and will continue to ignore, as you are locked away in my head behind that wall of lies; in a box, carefully gathered and bound up, lost somewhere within the tunnels of thoughts, and left untraceable by passage of time, eroded away into a memory, a distant recollection. You become simply a number, or that extra little step or foothold which helped me to where I am now. I am discovered, obtained, in control – I no longer need to tell. After all, to tell would eventually lead me back to lies, denial of the truth, and I would wish I had never told…