Who I Am

The ravings of a person who deals with intense inner emotions daily.

Who I Am

 

I am worry.

I am a tangled ball of steel cables in my stomach that invisible hands pull tighter every time I think about upcoming events or things that my mind tells me are real and dangerous even though they are usually lies.

I am fear.

I am a child curled up in a dark corner somewhere in my brain. Alone, scared, and crying with no one to scream out to. The fear grips me until death sometimes reaches out like a concerned friend, offering help and solace.

I am anger.

I am a raging Hulk inside my own body. I am the urge to demolish anything and everything in my path. I am the urge to scream, to lash out at all who have done me wrong even if I’ve long forgiven them. Red tinges the corners of my vision even during happy moments. The anger is not far away, triggered by a shift in memory. I am hate for those around me, even if they’re the ones I love most. They cannot see me, and they don’t even know it. It’s not their fault, but the anger never lessens.

I am anxiety.

I am the best friend of fear. I am fear’s enabler. I tell myself why I am afraid at all times and tell myself that the fear is necessary. No, I cannot relax. No, I cannot let the fear go. The fear is part of me and I cannot live without it.

I am stress.

I am the tossing and turning at night when even sleep brings no peace. When my own dreams haunt me and torture me with the worst parts of my day.

I am confusion.

I am me not knowing who I am. I am me not knowing what path I am on and looking for someone to tell me but no one can. I am a stray mutt watching pampered poodles stroll home with their owners, while I sit in the rain wondering where my home is and whether I’ll ever find it. All the self-help articles and books and therapy and mediation cannot guide me. I am as lost as I’ve ever been.