If You Knew

My first poem c: please leave feedback

You don't know how I miss you

With your soft curls and honey brown eyes

You don't know how I long for

The tender embraces you used to provide

For the touch of your lips against mine

You don't know that I hide

How hurt I am inside

That I pretend I don't care

To convince myself what I feel is a lie

You don't know I can't stand

That now you look at her how you used to look at me

You don't know how all I can think of when I see you

Is what used to be

The times we had together and the moments we shared

Those memories are all that's on my mind

And I don't know

I don't know if I can take it much longer

I don't know how to get you out of my head

Your dumb jokes and your smile

I don't know how to forget that you exist

I don't know how to forget all the things that made me love you

And I don't think I can

Author's Note

This is my first attempt at poetry, so it's definitely not the best, but I just used it as an outlet when I really wanted write how I felt on paper. I would really appreciate it if you could leave me some notes or comments on my strengths and weaknesses and anything I could fix or add, thank you!

Reviews

[William Liston]

This is pretty good for your first poem. It conveyed a lot of emotion and showed your talent for syntax and wording. Based on this one poem, those are your strengths.

As for your weaknesses, I notice that you use a lot of incorrect punctuation in this. The only time doing that is acceptable is when the punctuation creates a desired effect, even if it is grammatically wrong. In line four, you use a semicolon. A semicolon combines two complete sentences into one sentence; therefore, the words that come before the semicolon must be a complete sentence, and the words that come after the semicolon must be a complete sentence. You, however, use the semicolon in line four to combine a complete sentence with a sentence fragment: "For the touch of your lips against mine." Using a dash would be better in that case.

Also, the first word of every line does not need to be capitalized. Since you use punctuation in this, I'd suggest only capitalizing each sentence, not the first word of every line.

I also think it would be good to work on this poem's visual presentation. I'd suggest using Georgia size 12 font; it looks a lot better.

-William Liston

[cocoapeebles3]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I will make sure to focus on punctuation.

[Mik Mak]

This poem completely describes how I feel right now. You put your emotions and feelings and thoughts beautifully into words, very good. Maybe add some figurative language, (Use of metaphors, similes, etc) to help make the poem sound more deep, and more serious, but it is really good, I really liked it, you should write more poems!

[cocoapeebles3]

Thank you so much for the feedback!