My escape

Life always gives you wings, which ever way you find it

My death was like a vivid bird flying into the wind. Flapping its wings high into the sky before it finally grew old and weak and unable to fly anymore. I believed that if I stayed up long enough that I could finally clear my mind and clear all which had been hampering my flying until now. Of course, the rule of gravity applies to all but I believed that if I had my wings it would finally give me strength to continue on.

 Of course I am not dead, at least I don’t think so. But I had thought long and hard about it, it was a possibility, a way of escaping all the past pain which had tormented by life up until now.

Waking up with the same thought of how about going through the day realising that you have succumb to the foot of society. This is what is like living every day in a place surrounded by four walls, with people who no longer have a conscience, a far greater diminished capacity than yourself. It’s not prison, it’s a mental hospital. Once you enter your past is obliterated, no family or friends to visit, your past possessions are sold off to give your family a few gifts in which they can remember you by. Of course suicide is the only thing crossing my mind at the moment, but it is impossible to comprehend how it will feel to take my own life. The unimaginable burden one must place on itself to be all alone, and to bury yourself in extreme pain until your body can’t take it anymore and gives up. Naturally, me being admitted into a hospital coincide with my current state of mind, my incapacity to feel Included in the wider community.

One day, the hospital remained unusually talkative. Many who typically remain quiet starts conversing with another as if they haven’t been able to stop. “Who is the new guy?” “I hear he is a drug addict” “I hear he just came out of prison” My usual social negligence left me pondering in the corner all alone no social awareness and in fact alienated. I have become accustomed not to believe some of the rumours from fellow patients as many of them do not understand right from left. The head nurse stands in front of us as if we are all children and introduces us the newest recruit, Samuel. He stares openly at all our faces, but I don’t give anything away. It has become easy for me just to exclude everyone. I have never given anyone the satisfaction of becoming acquainted with me, with this I’m unable to experience any pain. If you’re not one of the crowd it can be lonely.

He stares at me from across the room in the hospital, and finally decides to come up to me, casually dressed, and with an unusual smile painted across his face. All alone at my table, separated from the population, he took the audacious option and decided to sit with me. “Hey im Samuel, do you mind if I sit with you?” I remained quiet. My body’s normal defence mechanism. But there is something different about him; usually I am the outcast and I couldn’t quite understand what could possess him to talk to me. I shouldn’t be surprise, because we are in a mental hospital to begin with. He didn’t approach me and judge me, he just simply spoke to me as if he could see past the pain travelling through my eyes, the reasons why I hide the length of my arm and the relatively dark clothing that I am wearing and see me for whom I am, a lost 18 year old, trying to belong to a society that doesn’t allow me to belong. It was nice to feel a sense of belonging, someone finally approaching me to talk, eye to eye, treating me, as if they were interested in talking to me. There was something strangely familiar about Samuel. Something that could bring us closer together or….. Destroy what weak link I may have left to normality. I can remember doing cocaine the first time when I was 14. The first time I snorted the drug I got this smouldering sensation, it lit up my eyes and left a bizarre feeling which kind of felt like I was wandering in and out of reality. But from then on I got had wonderful rush of good feelings that for a while wiped away any negativity and sorrow that washed across my mind. But this wasn’t to last. This experience made me aware of Samuels arm, covered with scratching and diggings. I finally knew the reason why he was at mental hospital. I remember it was one of many catalysts for numerous years of depression. I can remember my constant blank and empty smile. The ideas of death, suicide and pain which shadowed throughout my head, stampeding past my heart, ripping out any pieces of normality which I thought i had left. With depression everything is dark - there is no light, they can't see past the emptiness that consumes them. My crying tears of rage finally left my mother with the easy option but to send me to this place which I now call my home. A place were I am suppose to get better, or destroy what left of what some people use to call Kieran.

This didn’t derail me as I had one purpose on my mind; I was determined to ask him. I didn’t know how to ask him but I figured I didn’t owe him anything and I had just met him. It was a desire that I hadn’t quite achieved myself, what no other person would assist in me doing. So I asked him straight out in order to get a straightforward response ‘Samuel, would you assist me in killing myself”. His face remained blank, he looked deep into me, almost that he understood my reason and he didn’t need to me telling him, he knew what needed to be done. Samuel gave me a quick and sure answer. “I understand” my face finally lit up, almost with a sorrow smile. His answer didn’t need a responding, as I was sure that my wish was going to be made true. I was going to be flying with the birds again. I simply responded “thank you”

Reviews

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

This was overall a good story. I really liked the dark theme. I mean I could relate somewhat to this story just for the fact that I have wanted to take my own life a couple of times. I have learned though that would not be the answer to my problems. Well anyways I enjoyed reading.

I did see some mistakes, but that's alright. I would say if you have dialogue please start a new line. It's hard to read like that.

Thank you for sharing.

[Luke]

my end goal was not to show that she is going to commit suicide rather than the acknowledgement that she had a problem and someone noticed it.

[Ankit Mahar]

Wow. A beautifully oriented story. I line your philosophy about life, society and other people.
Although the story was dark and depressing, it was expressed with such a perfection that most people can't even imagine.
Of course there were small errors in the story. But overall. I loved your story even tough it was not a very positive and inspiring one. I believe that you can become a great writer if you focus on your writing.
What else can I say.
Keep writing.
- Your friend :-)

[Eleanor]

I'm going to keep reading your story :)
There are a few errors in this too but they can be ignored. Your concept is really different like i said and dark too.
Keep writing :)

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Luke, I undoubtedly liked this story. Dark but a well expressed state of mind. And again some edits that I would suggest.

"I believed that if I stayed up long enough that I could finally clear my mind and clear all which had been hampering my flying until now"...sounds incomplete...could be "I believed that if I stayed up long enough, I could then finally clear my mind and clear all which had been hampering my flying until now"

..."finally give me strength to continue on"...the sentence should end with either "carry on" or just "continue"

..."escaping all the past pain which had tormented by life up until now" - guess there is a typo. Should be "escaping all the past pain which had tormented my life up until now"

The next paragraph then, I have done some editing and here it is

"Waking up with the same thought of going through the day realizing that you have succumbed to the foot of the society; this is like living every day in a place surrounded by four walls, with people who no longer have a conscience and a far greater diminished capacity than yourself. It’s not a prison, it’s a mental hospital. Once you enter your past is obliterated, no family or friends to visit, your past possessions are sold off to give your family a few gifts by which they can remember you."...

And again a bit of edit towards the last.

"My tears of rage finally left my mother with the easy option but to send me to this place which I now call my home. A place where I am supposed to get better, or destroy the remains of what some people used to call Kieran.
This didn’t derail me as I had one purpose on my mind; I was determined to ask him. I didn’t know how to ask him but I figured out I didn’t owe him anything and I had just met him. It was a desire that I hadn’t quite achieved myself, what no other person would assist in me doing. So I asked him straight out in order to get a straightforward response “Samuel, would you assist me in killing myself”. His face remained blank, he looked deep into me, almost that he understood my reason and he didn’t need me to tell him, he knew what was needed to be done. Samuel gave me a quick and sure answer. “I understand” my face finally lit up, almost with a sorrow smile. His answer didn’t need a response as I was sure that my wish was going to come true. I would be flying with the birds again. I responded with a simple “Thank you”. "

Hope this helps