Ignorant Sweet Bliss

Very depressing poem

Ahh, the amazing feeling of ignorant sweet bliss

Feeling so drunk in the moment

I could feel this way forever

Because for once, my worries are released and forgotten

My lackluster, stress-setting, tangled mess of a life is forgotten 

I feelhappy for once.

This happiness numbs my feet

My calves

My chest

My brain

It makes me close my eyes and sigh a long sigh of contentment

As the sigh comes through my lungs and throat

What is released is a dime of my troubled into the air we breath

Terrorizing someone else

That unfortunate soul will be terrorized by life

 

As the world around me gets blurred into ignorant bliss

I drink in another sip, falling away into a dark whole of nothing

Because this bliss is temporary

And once it separates and finds someone else

I am left in empty nothingness

Alone as I usually am

Because this bliss is my only true friend

That accepts the way I am

That takes in the gory details of my life as if it were a sip of a sweet summer day

And if one were to take away that bliss or attack, well

I'd fight for the only piece of myself I have left.

The bliss is the only part of me 

I wish to be

The only part of me I don't have to explain.

While every other part of me falls away with my life,

This bliss knocks on my door, every so often and lets me drink in its reality

Feeling as drunk as it always does.

But what do I do?

When my only friend is temporary?

When the only thing  keeping the only piece of me, walks away with it, without a second thought?

When I am once again alone, begging, no groveling for it to come back?

What do I do then??

Find real hapiness?

No, the trail to that only let's people that aren't me in

Find a real person?

What? That can handle the different cuts and bruises I've had throughout my life?

That at one point won't disappoint me?

For I am certain that a single mind, even the greatest, smartest, most eloquent mind won't be able to comprehend or understand, why I am the way I am.

Because eventually you'll ask questions of:

Who I am? Each day you'll/i'll never know

How I act? I can never control

My life? No, you can't break that barrier even if you were a diety

From start to finish, I've hardly had a sip of my ignorant sweet bliss

Yet I trust it more than I trust myself.

I love it more than I love myself. 

It is the part if me I am proud of.

But like all the other friends I've had 

It replaces me with someone better

Who is stable, perfect, and not complicated

It drinks sips of bliss with them while leaving me addicted to it

Although I fight against this feeling

Wanting to feel more than ignorant bliss in my life

The sight of it walking away from me like everyone else

Makes me feel like I've lost my breath

Makes my whoe body numb

Disabling me to fight against it

Leaving me an addict

against every part of myself that is permanent

Walking away with the temporary bliss I'm addicted to.

Making me realize the horror of my life

You think you can fight the ignorant bliss with me, because of false words of,"I'll be there for you"

Try to find the words that will make my soul whole

Try to give a thought for this!

The constant worry of a father taking away a brother for good

Of a father getting more lost, confused, angered than he already is, bringing the one I love most with him

Of a best friend dying

Another abadoning me

The other forgetting me

A brother declaring me old news

A mother depressed and engrossed in everything except her offsprings

Depression hanging over me waiting to attack me at my low

Helping me dig a hole six feet under for myself

Now that I've told you a pinch of my daily, never ending life, would you still want to get involved?

You thought you could be the one that replaces the ignorant bliss

You thought you could handle my life

When I can't handle it?

And now that you are tortured with a pinch of my life, what will you do with it?

Oh! So you still think you can somehow try to be here for me?

What about the memories?

The dreams?

You'll never know them!

The sounds, voices, objects, interactions

Stale memories

Not so long forgotten dark memories

Premonitions

Seeing the death of a best friend at the tender age of 5

Remembering when his hand slipped away from mine

When his body was as cold as ice

Watching the other part of me die

Slowly before my brown eyes

When, who knows, said it was his time to die

How I wish to kill them

I could comprehend what was happening!

At 5 years of age!

Knowing that my happiness, my link to life, to innocence

Was gone

And as a 5 year old, searching for his hand

But instead finding a perfect imposter

Since then, ignorant sweet bliss has been my best friend.