Reality So Grim

Reality so Grim

I can't descibe the things that I'm feeling
As my life falls apart like orange peelings
Nothing seems to be looking up in this madness
Blindness and emotions cannot overcome the sadness

The nights are darker than they should be
So dark, it would be a miracle if I could see
Drinking so much I can't think too straight
Straight the whiskey I end up drunk up late

Everyday is just like clockwork turning
Like the pages in my past keep burning
Until the thoughts of nothingness void
A endless battle that I try to avoid

Flying in the face of reality so grim
If only it didn't so dire, so dim
The cold rain seems to sooth this depression
Clouds uphoisting this bottled compression

Reviews

[MomzillaNC]

Reality can be very harsh. I've had days when the sun was just too glaring, like a conviction on me… days when clouds and rain were welcome; who can see your tears when the rain hides them? Thankfully, those days are a very long time behind me; but, there were times I thought I'd never know anything else.

NOTES: I think this could benefit from the use of a bit of judicious punctuation - particularly ellipses and commas - to help the read with inflection and to find the pauses.

[Crimson_Woad]

Thanks for the feedback, I am hoping to improve a bit more everytime I write - you are right, I should've put some commas in there to put some pauses in there. Some parts seem a bit longer than they should, I tried cutting a few words/syllables, but it seemed to not end up that way.

[MomzillaNC]

What about something like this:
I can't describe the things I'm feeling
As life falls apart like orange peelings
Nothing’s looking up in this madness
Blindness and emotion can’t overcome sadness

Nights are darker than they should be
So dark, it’d be a miracle if I could see
Drinking so much… can’t think too straight
Straight the whiskey… I end up drunk… up late

Everyday is just like clockwork… turning
Like pages in my past keep burning
Until thoughts of nothingness… void
A endless battle I try to avoid

Flying in the face of reality so grim
If only it didn’t… so dire… so dim
The cold rain soothes this depression
Clouds up-hoisting this bottled compression

[Crimson_Woad]

Definitely an improvement, I seem to have added a lot of unnecessary words when I should've tried to keep it simple...

[MomzillaNC]

I have the same problem. Most of the time, my first draft is rather verbose. The majority of my edits are finding a simpler way to say it. My English Lit professor once scrawled across a paragraph in red marker, something to the effect: "If you say in one sentence, 'he killed the guy,' then don't give me a whole long paragraph!"