The Monster Inside

A Poem by Cristalle Kao

This is a poem I wrote about living with social anxiety, (and anxiety in general) and my thoughts on a daily basis. I hope you like it.

I HAVE ANXIETY. EVERY DAY I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL. I THINK ABOUT MY CLASSES. MY PROFESSORS. MY CLASSMATES. AND WHAT I WILL ULTIMATELY DO TO MAKE THEM LAUGH AT ME. TO MAKE THEM REJECT ME. AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? I ASK MYSELF EVERY DAY. THEN A LITTLE THOUGHT COMES INTO MY HEAD: EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. OF COURSE YOU CAN'T BE GOOD ENOUGH. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THEY WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU. YOU AREN'T COOL ENOUGH, YOU AREN'T PRETTY ENOUGH. YOU AREN'T SKINNY ENOUGH, YOU WEIGH TOO MUCH. BUT I IGNORE IT. I HANG AROUND MY FRIENDS AND I CONSTANTLY THINK TO MYSELF: DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID. THEY'LL LEAVE IF YOU DO. I'M AROUND MY CRUSH OR BOYFRIEND AND CONSTANTLY APOLOGIZE. ITS NOT THAT I DONT LOVE YOU. ITS THAT I'M AFRAID. AFRAID OF MAKING YOU ANGRY. OF YOU LEAVING ME. OF BEING...ALONE. EVEN WHEN I'M AROUND OTHERS I FEEL SO ALONE. NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND. EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE I'M BATTLING FOR BREATH ONLY TO GET A FEW GULPS OF AIR. I'M OVERWHELMED BY SIMPLE THINGS. I HAVE PANIC ATTACKS TRYING TO SLEEP. PHRASES LIKE "CALM DOWN" AND "YOU'LL BE FINE" AREN'T ENCOURAGING. THEY SOUND LIKE SARCASTIC JABS AT MY ALREADY FRAGILE MIND. I'M NOT PARANOID. I'M NOT CRAZY. I PROMISE. I FIGHT BACK TEARS EVERY DAY. I PUT ON A SMILE TO HIDE MY SHATTERED HEART. I WANT SOMEONE TO COME CLOSE TO ME. SOMEONE THAT I CAN RELY ON. BUT THEN I PUSH ANYONE AWAY WHO TRIES. MAYBE I'M HYPOCRITICAL. MAYBE I'M JUST NEEDY. BUT I CAN'T BREATHE AND I NEED AIR. WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES I SEE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH ME. THAT FACT THAT MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER DIDN'T WANT ME. THAT HE DIDN'T CARE. AND MY STEP-DAD ISN'T ANY BETTER. REJECTION. THE FACT THAT I RUN AWAY FROM ANYTHING DIFFICULT BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THE PAIN. OF FAILURE. COWARDICE. I CAN'T RUN ANYMORE. I'M SO TIRED. MAYBE IF I SEE A DOCTOR I CAN GET HELP. BUT "HELP" MEANS MEDICINE. "HELP" MEANS PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME DIFFERENT. THAT MY PROBLEMS ARE SUDDENLY WIDE OPEN AND I'M A NEW SUBJECT TO RIDICULE. "HELP" MEANS MEDICINE THAT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT. AND I DON'T WANT THAT. CALL IT PRIDE. CALL IT VANITY. IT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE OF MY FEARS. I'M A COWARD, JUST HIDING BEHIND FAKE SMILES AND UNSHED TEARS WHO CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THE MONSTER INSIDE.