broken

one sentence is all it took to break me

My nightmare was coming true; the love of my life had left me. In one simple message all of my fears had unravelled right in front of my eyes, just as the tears continued to flow. Looking down at my phone I read it one more time as if to see if I was imagining all of this

Rose: Clara I’ve been stuck on this for a very long time and I know now what I need to do. Clara I will always love you. But I think, for the time being that has to be as a friend. I just have to look after myself before I can handle anyone else. Maybe we can try again in the future but for now I just need my best friend Clara not my girlfriend Clara...I’m sorry

Closing my eyes, I felt hot tears slip between my makeup covered lids. They slowly crept down my cheeks as I let them wash away my sorrow, my fears and all of my happiness. In that one moment, that one message, my light in the dark dissolved into the darkness leaving me isolated and alone in misery. I felt my phone slip between my fingers just like the light slipped between the cracks out of my life. It crashes to the floor as my tears continue to fall. Their pathway down my face leaves trails of warm wet tingling sensations. My body, no longer under my control, shakes uncontrollably as I give in to the grief building inside me and fall to the cold hard floor.

I see nothing but the darkness. I feel nothing but the stone cold concrete beneath me. Sounds of my sorrow surrounds me, as all I can hear is the sounds of my weeping echoes, nothing but the taste of my hot salty tears consume my sense of taste. I no longer feel the coldness of brisk air wrapping itself around me as it creeps into the area or the pain in my knees as I kneel on the ground.

The pain in my heart has all but taken over me, lying on the ice cold concrete; its solid form leaves me feeling just as cold as its icy surface, my tears fall and pool together. Looking up I see the stars up high, shining bright like beacons of hope steering weary travellers home on a bleak remorseful winters night, leaving me with the wish for my light to come back.

Now as I lay awake at night arms yearning for your warmth to be sheltered between them, like a mother wraps her child up in layers upon layers to keep them from all the harm that could come to them, my arms yearn to give you that layer of protection. Closing my eyes tightly as if the slightest gap could take the image of you away from me, fearing the mere thought that you are no longer mine to hold and protect.

“Clara?” I hear my little sister whisper “Clara, can I sleep with you tonight?” moving over I lift the covers showing her she could come join me. Jasmine climbs up and snuggles into my side as I put the covers back down over the both of us. “Thanks Clara”

“It’s ok Jas” sniffling as I wrap my arms around her.

“Clara?”

“Yeah Jas?”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok Jas; just a little upset is all, nothing to worry about.”

“Is it because Rose didn’t come over today?” taking a deep breath, I hold it in as I let it collect everything and let it out slowly, trying to release all of my emotions.

“No it’s not because of that Jas.” Leaning closer I kiss her honeycomb blonde hair.

“I miss Rose, Clara”

“I know Jas, I miss her too”

“Is she gonna come over tomorrow?”

“No she’s not Jas” turning around in my arms Jasmine looks up at me with her childish curiosity shining in her crystal blue eyes.

“When’s she gonna come over again Clara?”

“I don’t know Jas, I don’t know” stopping and taking a deep breath and letting it go and putting on the best cheerful voice I could muster I say “but what I do know, you missy need to go to sleep now, ok?”

“Oh, ok Clara, night night Clara” Jasmine nuzzles her nose into my shoulder and slowly falls asleep

“Night night Jas” laying there I think about how I’m going to tell Jas, Rose won’t be coming over anymore. That Rose will never be around for us to laugh and play with. Sniffling again I let my tears flow once again as I held Jasmine closer in my arms giving her the comfort and protection I can’t give Rose. Closing my eyes, I drift off into a deep sleep trying to escape my nightmare which one would call my reality.