aegrescit medendo
A Stage Play by cyclometricus
 A short play with a weird, time-jumpy structure to it. It's about a woman who developed a gambling addiction as a side-effect of her Parkinson's Disease treatments. 
aegrescit medendo By cyclometricus Scene 1
A Vegas casino. At downstage center is a table
with a slot machine and a stool. There are no
other physical set pieces. Ambiance can be
generated with lighting, projected backdrops, and
sound effects. NORMA, a middle-aged woman, is
sitting on the stool, clenching a tall paper cup
where she keeps her supply of quarters. Her PURSE
is on the floor, under the table. She’s been here
for a while. She’s dressed for comfort, and is
determined to stay at the machine for as long as
it takes. As the lights come up, she’s trembling
with anticipation as she fiddles nervously with a
quarter. She finally drops the quarter into the
slot machine and pulls the lever. She loses.
NORMA
Damn!
(a beat. she readies another quarter.)
Okay, wait. Right before the last time I won, I held
the quarter over the slot like this, and counted to
three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
NORMA
Damn!
(a beat. she takes another quarter from
her cup)
Okay, I remember now...I held the quarter at an angle,
maybe two degrees - was it two degrees or three? I
think it was two. So I rotated the quarter two degrees
from the parallel, and held it over the slot like this,
and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
NORMA
Damn!
(a beat.)
It must have been something before that that did
it. Oh yeah! There was a woman over there, and she
fell out of her high heels!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
Suddenly, a DRESSY WOMAN, who was standing in the
wings at stage right, falls onto stage, and lands
flat on her face. It looks painful. Norma
readies another quarter. Meanwhile, the Dressy
Woman sits up and rubs her head.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
NORMA
Damn!
As Norma sets up the scene, the Dressy Woman
resets to her original position
off-stage. COLLEGE GUY, a young man celebrating
his twenty-first birthday, enters from stage left,
bringing with him a small table that holds a large
pitcher and an ENORMOUS mug of beer.
NORMA
(a beat.)
Wait, before that...there as some college kid over at
that table, chugging a beer to impress his friends.
College Guy, with a goofy, proud grin on his face,
lifts one of the GIGANTIC mugs of beer, and chugs
it all the way to the bottom of the glass, we hear
the SOUND of a group of men chanting
"Chug! Chug! Chug!" When College Guy is
finished, he pounds the mug back on the table and
releases an earth-shaking belch.
NORMA
And then, the woman...
Dressy Woman does a face-plant onto the stage.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
NORMA
Damn!
As Norma sets up the scene, Dressy Woman resets to
her original position off-stage. College Guy
ducks off-stage to retrieve another mug of beer.
NORMA
Even before that, there was a fighting couple...
Enter BEGGING MAN. He looks disheveled, his
clothes askew. He’s obviously done something
awful, because he’s following his wife, DEBBIE,
who is very angry with him and determined to get
as far away from him as possible. He’s at her
heels like a puppy, begging for forgiveness.
BEGGING MAN
Debbie, don’t go! Please, Debbie! Debbie, Debbie,
listen, please-
As they reach center stage, Debbie whirls around
and slaps Begging Man across the
face. Hard. Very, very hard. She storms off,
leaving him to lick his wounds.
NORMA
And then the college boy...
College Guy once again chugs his beer to the
bottom of the glass, to the sounds of chanting
fraternity brothers. It’s definitely more
difficult the second time, and the actor is
encouraged to be a little sulkier as he finishes
the beer. This time, his belch is less
enthusiastic.
NORMA
Then the woman...
Dressy Woman does a face-plant onto the
stage...again. She’s starting to get a little fed
up with this, too.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
NORMA
Damn!
(a beat)
Oh! I remember now!
The Dressy Woman, College Guy, Begging Man, and
Debbie groan with resignation and reset to their
original starting positions.
NORMA
My alarm!
We hear the electronic "beep-beep...beep-beep" of
Norma’s digital watch. She silences the alarm,
retrieves her purse from under the table and digs
through it until she finds a PRESCRIPTION
BOTTLE. She opens the bottle and dumps a capsule
into her palm. She’s ready to take it, but
hesitates, remembering what her friend said
earlier. Dressy Woman, College Guy, Begging Man,
and Debbie all enter, waiting with baited breath
to see if she takes the pill. Norma lifts the
pill, and the others all cringe. Then she lowers
it, and they relax.
A long pause.
Norma has made up her mind. She pops the pill
into her mouth and swallows. The others let out a
collective "Awwww!" sulk to their starting
positions. Norma readies a quarter.
NORMA
Now, the couple...
Debbie storms across the stage with Begging Man at
her heels.
BEGGING MAN
Debbie, don’t go! Please, Debbie! Debbie, Debbie,
listen, please-
As they reach center stage, Debbie whirls around
and slaps Begging Man across the
face. Hard. Very, very hard. She storms off,
leaving him to lick his wounds.
NORMA
Then, the college boy...
College Guy chugs his beer. Now it’s really
becoming difficult. He lets some of the beer
slosh out the corners of his mouth. When he’s
finished, we get a half-hearted burp.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
NORMA
Then, the woman...
Dressy Woman does a face-plant onto the stage.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and loses.
NORMA
Aargh! Damn it!
(a pause. then, under her breath)
What am I missing? What am I missing?
The others look hopeful that she won’t make them
go through the routine again, and then...
NORMA
Marie was here!
Enter MARIE, Norma’s travel companion. She’s the
same age as Norma, but is a bit more
elegant. She’s wearing a dress that is a bit too
tight, and is waving an empty MARTINI GLASS
about. Needless to say, this was not her first
martini of the evening. Norma picks up and
clutches her quarter cup closely. Marie is
fishing through her own purse.
MARIE
I know they’re in here somewhere. Aha!
She pulls out a roll of quarters, but gets
distracted.
NORMA
(extremely relieved, and even ecstatic)
Marie, you’re such a life-saver.
MARIE
(drunkenly)
No sweat, Nom-orma. I’ve never seen you so...
NORMA
What?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
MARIE
I forget what I was going to say.
(a beat)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I met this lawyer at the
bar, and he said that your pills-
NORMA
You already said that.
MARIE
I did?
NORMA
Yeah. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Dr.
Benway wouldn’t keep something like that from
me. Besides, if I didn’t have the pills, I wouldn’t
have been able to come with you, right?
MARIE
(decisively)
Norma, you’re right. We’re here to
celebrate! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
!
NORMA
Marie! Marie!
MARIE
Huh?
Norma holds out her open palm.
NORMA
The quarters?
(a beat)
Please?
MARIE
Oh! Oh, yeah!
She drops the roll of quarters into Norma’s
palm. Norma has a look of triumph on her face.
NORMA
Thanks, Marie, you’re a doll.
MARIE
Anything for you, Nor-mal.
Marie tries to take a sip from her glass, but is
startled to find it empty.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
MARIE
Oh, my God! Somebody drank my martini!
NORMA
Go get ’em!
MARIE
Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrge!
Marie stumbles off stage. Norma cracks open the
roll of quarters, and pours them into her
closely-guarded quarter cup. Closely-guarded
because, well...it already had some quarters in
it. She just conned Marie out of some money.
We hear the electronic "beep-beep...beep-beep" of
Norma’s digital watch. She silences the alarm,
retrieves her purse from under the table and digs
through it until she finds a PRESCRIPTION
BOTTLE. She opens the bottle and dumps a capsule
into her palm. She’s ready to take it, but
hesitates, remembering what her friend said
earlier. Dressy Woman, College Guy, Begging Man,
and Debbie all enter, waiting with baited breath
to see if she takes the pill. Norma lifts the
pill, and the others all cringe. Then she lowers
it, and they relax.
A long pause.
Norma has made up her mind. She pops the pill
into her mouth and swallows. The others let out a
collective "Awwww!" sulk to their starting
positions. Norma readies a quarter.
NORMA
Now, the couple...
Debbie storms across the stage with Begging Man at
her heels.
BEGGING MAN
Debbie, don’t go! Please, Debbie! Debbie, Debbie,
listen, please-
As they reach center stage, Debbie whirls around
and slaps Begging Man across the
face. Hard. Very, very hard. She storms off,
leaving him to lick his wounds.
NORMA
Then, the college boy...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
College Guy chugs his beer. Now it’s really
difficult. Most of the beer sloshes out the
corners of his mouth. When he’s finished, we get
a burp...barely.
NORMA
Then, the woman...
Dressy Woman does a face-plant onto the stage.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever...and she’s a winner! Loud noises,
epilepsy-inducing flashes of light, and a small
stream of quarters pours out of the metal
wonder. She’s won exactly five dollars. Norma
experiences a high, like nothing else she has ever
experienced before. Dressy Woman, College Guy,
Begging Man, and Debbie reset their positions.
NORMA
Hot-diggety damn!
Norma greedily scoops up the tiny pile of quarters
and fills her paper cup. Then she resumes her
seat. Marie stumbles in, carrying her purse and a
FULL martini glass.
MARIE
Norma? Norma?
NORMA
Yeah?
MARIE
Did you win, Norma? I thought I heard some bells and
sirens and whatchamacallits over here.
Norma clutches her paper cup.
NORMA
No. No, but I know this thing is gonna pay out pretty
soon. I’m just running out of quarters.
MARIE
Not to worry, I have a roll of quarters just for
situations like this!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
She begins fishing through her purse.
MARIE
Hey, Norma, I just met this - *hic* - I just met this
lawyer over at the bar. He’s a lawyer.
NORMA
That’s nice.
MARIE
Anyway, I told him about us being here celebrating your
recovery from Perky - Perk - Perk...um...
NORMA
What?
MARIE
You know, your disease.
NORMA
Parkinson’s disease.
MARIE
Yeah, Perkyson’s! Anyhow, he says that he’s building a
class action against the company that makes your
Perky-man’s medicine.
(tries to whisper secretively, but is
too drunk to succeed)
They say that it makes you an addict.
NORMA
What did you say? I didn’t hear you.
MARIE
Your medicine makes you want to - *hic* - play the
slots.
A beat.
NORMA
That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.
MARIE
No, no, he explained it like this, see? You get the
tremors and all that because the brain cells that make
dopey-mopey...dopey-mopey, right?
NORMA
(becoming exasperated)
Dopamine?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
MARIE
Hell, yes! The teeny brain cells that make that - what
you just said - are all dying -
NORMA
I know. The doc explained it to me.
MARIE
But listen! The lawyer says that the medicine you take
fills your brain up with rope-a-dopey, and it makes
your shaky-hand-thing go away, but it also makes your
brain obsessed with figuring out how you won the slots,
when it’s actually all random! There’s no way you can
ever figure it out!
Marie gulps her martini.
NORMA
You said you had a roll of quarters in there?
MARIE
Oh, yeah!
(a beat)
I know they’re in here somewhere. Aha!
She pulls out a roll of quarters, but gets
distracted.
NORMA
(extremely relieved, and even ecstatic)
Marie, you’re such a life-saver.
MARIE
(drunkenly)
No sweat, Nom-orma. I’ve never seen you so...
NORMA
What?
MARIE
I forget what I was going to say.
(a beat)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I met this lawyer at the
bar, and he said that your pills-
NORMA
You already said that.
MARIE
I did?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
NORMA
Yeah. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Dr.
Benway wouldn’t keep something like that from
me. Besides, if I didn’t have the pills,I wouldn’t
have been able to come with you, right?
MARIE
(decisively)
Norma, you’re right. We’re here to
celebrate! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
!
NORMA
Marie! Marie!
MARIE
Huh?
Norma holds out her open palm.
NORMA
The quarters?
(a beat)
Please?
MARIE
Oh! Oh, yeah!
She drops the roll of quarters into Norma’s
palm. Norma has a look of triumph on her face.
NORMA
Thanks, Marie, you’re a doll.
MARIE
Anything for you, Nor-mal.
Marie tries to take a sip from her glass, but is
startled to find it empty.
MARIE
Oh, my God! Somebody drank my martini!
NORMA
Go get ’em!
MARIE
Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrge!
Marie stumbles off stage. Norma cracks open the
roll of quarters, and pours them into her
closely-guarded quarter cup. Closely-guarded
because, well...it already had some quarters in
it. She just conned Marie out of some money.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
We hear the electronic "beep-beep...beep-beep" of
Norma’s digital watch. She silences the alarm,
retrieves her purse from under the table and digs
through it until she finds a PRESCRIPTION
BOTTLE. She opens the bottle and dumps a capsule
into her palm. She’s ready to take it, but
hesitates, remembering what her friend said
earlier. Dressy Woman, College Guy, Begging Man,
and Debbie all enter, waiting with baited breath
to see if she takes the pill. Norma lifts the
pill, and the others all cringe. Then she lowers
it, and they relax.
A long pause.
Norma has made up her mind. She pops the pill
into her mouth and swallows. The others let out a
collective "Awwww!" sulk to their starting
positions. Norma readies a quarter.
NORMA
Now, the couple...
Debbie storms across the stage with Begging Man at
her heels.
BEGGING MAN
Debbie, don’t go! Please, Debbie! Debbie, Debbie,
listen, please-
As they reach center stage, Debbie whirls around
and slaps Begging Man across the
face. Hard. Very, very hard. She storms off,
leaving him to lick his wounds.
NORMA
Then, the college boy...
College Guy chugs his beer. Now it’s really
difficult. Almost all of the beer sloshes out the
corners of his mouth. When he’s finished, we get
a burp...barely.
NORMA
Then, the woman...
Dressy Woman does a face-plant onto the stage.
NORMA
Then I rotated the quarter two degrees, held it over
the slot like this, and counted to three...
(under her breath)
One...two...three!
She drops the quarter into the machine, pulls the
lever and...
BLACKOUT
© 2010 cyclometricus
Author's Note
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Questions? Comments?
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Author
cyclometricus
About
Hi! I'm a web developer by trade, but my overactive imagination has led me to try returning to my halcyon days of playwriting in an academic setting. Not that anything I write lends itself well to a.. more..
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