Once in a Lifetime

Life consists of three things: food, sleep, and the pursuit of Love. The first two of these three life-giving activities are, to me, important for obvious reasons. You literally would not be alive without them. But love - deep and penetrating love - is necessary on an altogether more profound level. For too long, I had a craving for this passion which yields true life, a lust for a connection, a yearning to celebrate in the arms of mutual reverence. I would venture to say that I would have spent my entire life without ever feeling true love had it not been for one split-second decision that completely altered my view of adoration, and what being “in love” would entail.

           Love has always played an important part in my life for the short 8 years of my life that I can remember, and from what my mother recollects.

“You were always trying to make others happy, and you simply delighted in your success,” she once told me reminiscently, when I asked her about my childhood.

            My heart was something my mother admired, and something that I prided myself on as well. This caring for others followed me all the way through elementary school and into the 7^th grade, where I met my first girlfriend. Like so many naïve middle school students before me, I fell instantly under the impression that I was in love. A doubt never entered my mind that she and I would separate, until a tragic November night when my illusions shattered.

            I realized with horror that I was elated in the crooning gestures she gave me, and the affection she allowed me to bestow upon her almost constantly, but I was not in love with the person underneath; she just wasn’t “the one”. Never being one to lie to myself, I accepted this fact, although with a heavy heart. Still, with great apprehension, caring immensely for my girlfriend’s feelings, I withheld from bringing it up for months. The day eventually came when she needed to know. She kicked me down the stairs. Literally.

            The experience left my stubborn assumptions mauled, and I took to questioning the nature of true Love. There were other prospective along the way, but never did I feel emotionally connected. As I realized that there was no solution but to find passion on my own, I spoke of this to nobody. With a few more girlfriends under my belt, I began to grow disenchanted with dating. Sure, I would kiss them and enjoy the physicality, but it would forever remain a simple kiss. There was no blossom of satisfaction inside me for these or any other romantic moments.

            These escapades followed me late into my 8^th grade year, when I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. I started thinking that I was the issue, or maybe I should resign to waiting before pursuing another relationship, as I felt I was in an age group not yet mature enough to grapple with love. It was on this day, in the bedroom of my good friend, and a small group of other companions and acquaintances that a fateful conversation changed my life.

“What do you think of love?” mused the birthday boy, sitting next to me on his bed. I scoffed, which drew his attention to me. “You don’t care for it?” he asked.

            “I certainly don’t have much faith in it,” I replied, sound nihilistic at best. I gave them a brief confession of my struggles in connecting with the people I dated.

            “Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong places,” remarked the birthday boy, appearing now rapt with the conversation.

            “I’m always open to meeting new people,” I retorted, “at school, when I hang out -"

            “That’s not what I meant,” he interrupted, speaking mischievously. His smile confused me.

            “Well then, wh - “ My sentence was cut short as he unexpectedly busied my lips with his.

            There was a long moment where I was completely nonplussed, panicked even. I felt rudely violated until a quiet, revolutionary thought popped into my head.

            Wait. Kiss back.

            Throwing all biases into the wind, I closed my eyes, and I kissed a man for the first time in my life. What resulted was a violent explosion of emotion. Colloquial butterflies worked their magical buoyancy into every inch of my stomach, feeling more like fireworks, and bolts of electricity shot through the two of us… connecting. There was such a passion in that one move, that one kiss, I could feel my life changing, I could hear my reality twisting, and there was no going back. I became aware of his arms around my neck, so I caressed his hips experimentally with mine. This was too much revelation for one body to consume; I inhaled sharply and broke contact, amazed. He was smiling mischievously again, and I was panting as if I’d run a marathon. My heart violently attempted to beat its way through my chest and scream what I just learned.

            I was, and am, gay.

            I stayed with that boy for a long while, but we both grew and there were no grudges when we parted. As my wants and needs changed and continue to change, the partners in my life also changed, but my quest for soulful happiness was no longer a futile expedition. There is a vast labyrinth of roads and options ahead of me, all of them brighter and more promising than my past, all of them stemming from my one singular, spontaneous act of experimentation.

            That kiss, honestly, shaped the core of my romantic being, taught me the value of open mindedness, and will always remain in my heart as the first time I felt love, and that I was loved in return.

Author's Note

This is an account of my realization of my sexuality. If you don't care for homosexual literature, do me the favor of not telling me.

Reviews

[Taylor]

Dane, I critique as I read. My intent is to offer both encouragement and support as well as constructive criticism. If I fail, please accept my apologies and toss the whole thing to the wind.
1) Paragraph 3 - no need for the word "reminiscently" as the reader will gather that from the mother's statement
2) " Like so many naïve middle school students before me, I fell instantly under the impression that I was in love" For me, this sentence is awkward; first, you've already established that he was in middle school (7th grade) so there's no need to repeat that. I think you might just say that "I felt instantly under her powers" or something of the sort -- we've all been there so you're not telling the reader anything new.
3) " I realized with horror that I was elated in the crooning gestures she gave me, and the affection she allowed me to bestow upon her almost constantly, but I was not in love with the person underneath; she just wasn’t “the one”." What might happen if you simplify this without interpreting his emotions; again every reader has been through the heartbreak of the demise of their first romance (and more).
4) "Never being one to lie to myself, I accepted this fact, although with a heavy heart. Still, with great apprehension, caring immensely for my girlfriend’s feelings, I withheld from bringing it up for months. The day eventually came when she needed to know. She kicked me down the stairs. Literally." If you transposed this into a scene, it would be far more dynamic than just telling it. Goodness, good thing he got away from her!
5) " These escapades followed me late into my 8th grade year, when I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. I started thinking that I was the issue, or maybe I should resign to waiting before pursuing another relationship, as I felt I was in an age group not yet mature enough to grapple with love." This feels more like an editorial -- in other words just telling instead of showing. Also, not sure that the word "escapades' is the right one. After all how much could happen in 14-year-olds life as far as dating is concerned. Or maybe I'm just wayyyyy out of touch (and that certainly could be).
6) "“What do you think of love?” mused the birthday boy, sitting next to me on his bed. I scoffed, which drew his attention to me. “You don’t care for it?” he asked." Now you're cooking. I'd like to see a lot more of this type of writing in the story. This peaks the reader's interest.
7) “I certainly don’t have much faith in it,” I replied, sound nihilistic -- no need to "interpret" for the reader, thus I would consider deleting "nihilistic." The reader can gather that from context.
8) I love the section starting with "Throwing all biases aside..." (which incidentally you don't need).

This is an important piece of writing and parts of it glisten. Other parts need more editing or rewriting, in my opinion. I certainly hope you will do that, since some heterosexuals don't understand how involuntary sexual attraction is. You've journaled a bit of it, given voice to a fact that many experience but which has been taboo to write about outside of the gay community. I salute you for doing so and very much encourage you to continue -- but using your polishing cloth to smooth out the rough edges. Hearty best wishes.

[CoraZanini]

acctually I really enjoyed this piece! I'd love to hear more.
Enjoy!:)

[Lizzy]

I really love this piece. Thank you for submitting this to my contest. This is a great look into coming to accept who you are.