Dry Conversations

Children squeak scratchy toy violins

a relentless chorus of withering “Twinkle Twinkle”s in hundreds of keys

their parents stare at glossy phones

cringing pride

or maybe boredom.

 

Dry conversations

empty “how are you”s

how can everyone be fine all the time?

 

I see a parade of fancy boys in fancy boots

quick to laugh and quick to glower

thank goodness we all wore the same sweater

I suppose this is what they call common ground.

Author's Note

This is an early draft. Please send your ideas for revision.

Reviews

[bobc]

D...some suggestions since you've asked for some. But before, let me say, I think this is pretty to start with. I like the use of withering in the second line and really like the '...fancy boys in fancy boots/quick to laugh and quick to glower'. It's a very good use of repetition as a device to hold hold a rhythm.

IMO, in terms of suggestions, fewer words. If you can say something with fewer syllables, it's often stronger and easier rhythmically. For example, 'Children squeak scratchy toy violins' could be 'Children scratch toy violins'. There are other places where a different, shorter word, might work a little better for you.

I'm not sure you need to place quotes around Twinkle Twinkle or how are you. If you really want quotes try single quotes instead. Since the rest of the poem mostly lacks punctuation, maybe you can lose the quotes altogether.

Just some ideas for you to consider. ...bobc

[Jordan Bryant]

I would turn that second line into two separate lines for aesthetic reasons. But I think you make some lovely turns in this piece, espeically with the profundity of "how can everyone be fine all the time?" I would consider expanding on that because it's beautiful.