Steps

another old piece I found

 

Smoke and shadows

Hides the pain,

In the closet

Broken bone scattered.

Solar eclipse

Taunts the day,

Use the knife

So blood can spray.

Shoot my veins

Make me numb,

Shoot my brain

Make me dumb.

Open the cage

Let me fly,

Kill the cancer

Save a life.

Reviews

[~angelalala~]

i really like the dark imagery in this: smoke & shadows, broken bones, solar eclipse. the idea of this being perhaps the thoughts of a dying cancer patient makes it even more intriguing. i really love the lines: "Shoot my veins Make me numb, Shoot my brain Make me dumb." i like the idea of cilla's review: kill the cancer or let me die. i think with the darkness of this piece, that would be a great way to end it. overall i loved this poem, its mystique, its depth, its darkness.

[Liza]

interesting angle on what modern medicine does to kill cancer and save a life...the quality of life goes numb and we are made dumb because we feel vulnerable to the mystery of cancer.

[Michelle Long]

Oh I absolutely Love this!
No words to say other than that.

[~Mariposa Una Lila~]

wow, very cool! x0x0x0

[Spoken]

cool, something a bit different from you and i like :)

Shoot my veins

Make me numb,

Shoot my brain

Make me dumb.

Open the cage

Let me fly,

Kill the cancer

Save a life.

............favorite lines. I take this as either a poem of addiction or a about hearing something devistating like you've got cancer, and how you try to deal with the news.

[Dragon Witch]

This could be taken two ways. I like poems like this that are not finite on their decision but leave it up to the eye of the beholder. Is this not the essence of what poetry is?
A drug addict looking for release...
or
A cancer patient looking for an escape?
But alas are they not the same thing in a strange way?
Brought a lot of images to mind.
Koudos

[just is]

Kill the cancer
Save a life.

I only wish a simple drug was created to kill canncer before it started, I like your last line here.

[cilla]

With a staccato rhythm, the words fly in short bursts providing a series interesting cause and effect couplets. It reminds me of sighting in on a target, firing and moving to the next. Very effective, I think. Your choice of title is interesting because it implies a progression but a progression toward what?

"Open the cage � Let me fly" �. Freedom/escape

"Kill the cancer � Save a life" �. A plea for help, for life?

Alternate last line:

"Kill the cancer � Or let me die" � A call for resolution, to be set free from the disease.

I think this maybe stronger and ties the last four lines together. Hmm, seems I like to change the last line of your poems. I have a ton of old poems that I have some crazy bond with (Rule 1: Don't fall in love with your own work!) and I pull out occasionally and see if I can improve them. I think everything can be made better and sometimes we have to distance ourselves from our work in order to become more objective.

Anyway � really like this. It reads very well and is short but poignant.

[closed account]

awwe very nice!! yes I agree with the last line all too much!!

[EmpressPoetess]

So deep with pain but written very well.