Genesis 19

And there were two guys who could find no other town that would allow them to stay there, as they said that they were angels---winged beasts tramping bare-chested, whose reason for being had never really been established.  One day they wandered into Sodom, around 5 pm  or so, when everyone was already in the bars trying to get shitfaced so that they could forget the jobs that they had left just an hour ago.  It was Lot (nicknamed Alot by prostitutes whom he frequented who spoke of him unloading quite a bit when he ejaculated).  Anyway, he saw the two guys parading as winged beasts claiming they were holy or special or whatever, and he got up after snorting his line of sweet desert nose candy.  Wiping his nose, he bowed himself to them both, eyeing the ground, trying to keep from tumbling over in his narco-stupor.            

        

Lot, nearly tripping over his own feet, babbled out unto the winged beasts, “My lords, I pray you, come into my house, as I will be your concubine---we can tarry all night, as I have newly acquired some great blow!  I will wash your feet, suck on your toes and when the sun arises, I can suck you both off simultaneously in the name of God if you like in my desert-pit Jacuzzi, before you both go on your merry way.”  But the winged beasts said “Nay, our place is on the street, we will make much more money that way, and we will spend our whole night in such a manner.”    

 

He told them that he would make them the best damn flatbread that he could muster, sprinkling it with garlic and sesame seeds.  They ate, oh did they eat---they stuffed their f*****g bellies full.        

 

Before the guys went to sleep, Lot, who had been lounging out on the porch in his favorite hammock, came tearing in like a madman, shaking the two in their prospective rooms.  To the one who was catching up on his Nietzsche, he said “There are a bunch of men outside and they are enquiring as to whether you are interested in shooting a few games of pool.”  The respectful Nietzschean said he’d think about it.  Lot stumbled his way to the second winged beast and asked him.  He was almost asleep, already wearing his eye-blinders.  “Leave me alone man, I’ve had a long day.  I just want to get some rest,” he told Lot.  Lot went back outside and told the gathered men that the pool game probably wouldn’t be a go that evening.       

 

Good ol’ Lot, you know he had a couple of daughters.  Traded like Pez between schoolchildren as they were, he figured that he would offer up their virginal selves to the gathering of men.  He hoped that they would take them away and off his hands, as he was sick of feeding them, clothing them & all around parenting them.  He dragged them by their hair out the door of his little abode, as his cro-mag ancestors might have & in the name of all that is holy, he tossed them to the mass.  “Take them and eat them---do with them what you like.  Do this in remembrance of me.”    

And the crowd of men were disappointed because they had wanted to play pool---they were looking to hustle some newcomers and since the two winged beasts were just the type of folk that they were looking for, the fact that they didn’t want to come out and play brought them all down.  They were suspicious as to whether Lot’s daughters would be as good at playing pool, because they needed the daughters to feel that they were in fact great, so as to hustle them for big winnings.  Lot went back inside, locking the door behind him.  His two nameless daughters stood before the men in the crowd.  

And the winged men grew ornery.  Lot tried to plea with them, but they spoke of how they had not smoted anyone in quite a while, and they might as well step outside and smote away those that had come to beat them in pool.  

“For we will destroy the billiard club and everything around it!”  Those winged beasts did say to Lot.  “The whining of those wanna-be hustlers outside may be too much for us to bear, as it is waxen before the face of the LORD---that LORD whose panties in a bunch, does not stand for someone ever being louder than HIMSELF, as you know, Mr. Lot.” 

And after opening the door and creating mass blindness by smoting all those in the crowd, they shouted out that come the morning all the city would be destroyed by the warm loving wrath of the LORD their GOD, whom had of course created all of man, including these men who he planned on destroying---as well as all those peaceful cityfolk who had no knowledge of the LORD’s most current lunacy at all.     

And when the morning arose, the two winged beasts, after eating a decent breakfast with the Lots in his humble abode, and tapping the sides of their smiling mouths to dab the leftover ketchup from the scrambled eggs that had been so flurry---they did tell Mr. lot to gather all the nameless & role-less women from his household (wife, daughter #1, daughter #2) and to run for the hills ASAP, as they were planning to destroy the city and everything in it with their god given magical powers after they had both showered and made their bodies glisten with olive oil as well as conditioning their wing-feathers.       

And there were many a hither and thithers, but in the end, the winged beasts, all oiled and conditioned, were able to convince dumbfuck Lot and the three women that went nameless and without purpose, to flee for the hills, much like the Von Trapp family did in order to flee the Nazis.  “When you run for the hills, make sure to take your prospective Clarinet, Oboe, Violin and Mandolin!” Said one of the winged beasts.  The other reminded the four to drink some green tea with honey prior to going to the hills, because they would need their vocal chords to be moist and yummy in order to sing amongst the tall healthy green grass of Palestine.    

The four of them ran with their instruments up and over the hills that they were supposed to, until they came to the bustling city of Zoar.  And the LORD did rain down hellfire and brimstone and all those bad things that spoiled angry deity’s do when they want to show how big their c**k is (but no one is asking).  And the great LORD overthrew the cities of Sodom and Gommorah because he had heard, what with being an omniscient being and all, that the people who lived there---the people who he had created, so that he could tell them not to do anything that he didn’t like and so that he could tell them to worship him and so that he could tell them that they had to think exactly what he wanted them and not go astray mingling with the devil and sin, which he had created to lead them astray so that he could yell at them and send commandments to tell them again what not to do so that he could listen to everything that they did and he could make their lives toil and he could watch them die and he could tell them again and again to do this and that and then yell at them again telling them MY C**K IS THIS BIG!  MY C**K IS THIS BIG!!!  LOVE IT!  DO WHAT IT SAYS!  LICK IT! F**K IT!  WORSHIP IT AS IT EXPLODES IN YOUR FACE!---yes, he would do it all to prove to himself that he was in fact greater than anything that he himself had created to prove to himself and nothing else as there was nothing else to play with to talk to, to mingle with---unless he created it---because only he possessed the magical magic to do so (that big pulsating god-penis that was so very big and boastful).                     

In Zoar, Lot turned over a new leaf.  He felt that the civilization that he had been living in did not give his wife or his daughters any purpose, not to mention the fact that his pub which he had loved so much had been burnt to the ground in the fire & brimstone, thanks to good ol’ GOD.  So he found a cave on the outskirts of town and opened up a full service brothel, really the first of its kind in all of the holy kingdom of the LORD.  As Lot’s wife had been told specifically by the two winged beasts not to go back to the cities from whence they had come for any reason, there was to be some sort of consequence for doing so---and so when she wanted to go back to get her curling iron, it was then that she was turned to a pillar of salt.  Lot, always the optimist, found good use for his wife’s pillar of salt transformation, when he built the brothel, using her as the cornerstone of the new building.          

And the night before Lot opened his “Holy Kingdom Whorehouse,” his firstborn daughter (still nameless, role-less) said to the younger (etc., etc.) “Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to cum into us after the manner of all the earth.  Providing that he can still get a good erection, come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, for as long as it takes this fine evening---that we may preserve the seed of our father.”     

And so did Lot the father f**k both of his daughters, who to this day still remain without names as that is inconsequential.  What matters is that by the seed of their own father, both daughters bore Lot children.  The firstborn daughter gave Lot a son, who though a bit deformed due to this holy inbreeding, was known as Moab, as all the relatively normal monosyllabic names had been taken.  This same Moab is the father of all Moabites to this day---and if you ever meet a Moabite, be sure to understand that this person was conceived of the holiest of virtues, as a product of a man who fled Sodom & Gommorah to f**k his daughters and produce such a child under the permission of GOD the LORD of ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD.           

The younger daughter of Lot also bore a son to him.  She called him Benammi, and in this, she was the first to have a child who would gain the nickname “Benny.” Benny is the father of all the children of Ammon unto this day.  If you meet an Ammonite, ask em’ about the two for one special on Tuesday evenings at their great grandfather’s brothel in Zoar.