So Into You (Part 1)

My chest felt tight, my head felt heavy. It was hard to look up the street. I kept stepping on it while crouching, staring holes and gravel on it without bumping into something or anything. I was very familiar what I had to go through to reach the great river bridge. Oh God, no one knew how much I wish I would not find any single figure I ever knew there later. Well, who was I fooling? Of course, Pieter had been there since long minutes ago, leaning on the side of the bridge as usual. He always came early. His mind wandered to the things that I did not want to imagine at all.

He had been honest with me once about his fantasy at the bridge, the things that made me many times more uncomfortable than if I had to see two lovers making out with unstoppable lust and passion in front of my eyes. Yes, I admitted that I knew and ever want to be involved in the realization of that fantasy, but now what I imagined was that I did have no obligation to meet that half-Dutch young man as I had promised. He waited for a meet and chat, and maybe it coulg proceed with hanging out like we'd done for one or two times, but all I was going to do was telling him what others wanted me to say. Oh God, I thought I would not be able to receive any reaction from him. I even wanted the ground to swallow me at that moment, when his damn senses noticed me even when the distance between us was still quite far away. Pieter hastily changed his position, he stood up and smiled. Not as usual, his warm smile made me suffer at this time.

"Good afternoon Suhartini," he greeted as usual. I never got used to, my heart was always flowered every time I heard him saying it. My name sounded different, like more precisely, it was much more meaningful when it slid from his thin lips. My world which was actually a real boring urban, my seasons which were only dry and rainy, changed instantly. Good afternoon from him made the afternoon look brighter and feel more cheerful, as I spent a lovely afternoon in the spring when the flowers are blooming. Now, all the beautiful flowers were burned and disappeared suddenly struck by cruel lightning and heavy rain fell thereafter flushed the remnants of my flower garden that used to be beautiful. I reciprocated his greeting with a tasteless one. As usual, Pieter tried to get me to talk about my family, school, about myself. Most of my answers were just yes and no, but he did not seem to care, made me barely able to be there any longer. My heart screamed at the top of its lung (if only it had lung) only to tell him that something had happened and he should not be that casual. His attitude like that made it more difficult to me to imagine how to tell him. But, it could not go on indefinitely.

“Tin.”

“Piete!”

Pieter seemed a little surprised. I understood, that was the first time I voiced his name so firmly. I did not even remember when I ever mentioned his name. He was the one who always called and tried to find me. A moment later he looked sort of happy.

Pieter invited me to express what I meant to say first. Where did I begin? I did not know. I felt like to back off. Escape and return home.

"Tin, what's wrong with you?"

But the shadows of people in the house began to haunt me. My Eang (a Javanese term of grandfather) who was angry, shouted from his rocking chair cursing the Dutch people and their descendants. Father and mother who forced me smoothly to deny the rumors from some neighbors about my relationship and a (half) Dutch young man by receiving Bagus’s propose, as it was the only way. My sister who advised me to take a safe course by following my parents’ advice. Pon who sadly told me I should be subordinating my heart. I took a deep breath..

"I want to get married."

"What?"

I saw he was instantly overwhelmed by feelings between happy and confused for a reason.

"We're still too young, Suhartini."

"Too young? My age is 16."

"Yes, 16 years is too young,"

"No, if you were a native."

Pieter was a little hurt. I know it was a bit outrageous and offensive, but I had no other choice. I was too weak to take the other choice than to make himself angry with the ancient issues. But apparently he was not moved. He felt no need to discuss it at all. I could not give up.

"My grandmother was married at the age of 13, my mother was 15 at her time. Likewise with other mothers.."

"But you are different than the others, Tin. You are a smart girl, you are still young and very beautiful. You can be anything you want, besides just dandle and cooking in the kitchen .."

“You-“

"Do not misunderstand Tin, I do not disrespect the women around you. You must know that my mother is skinned the same as your mother. It’s not I do not want to marry you.. Trust me, it's become my goal, but there are still many things we can accomplish in the future. We’re still so young, Tin. Moreover, more things we have to prepare for that day.. I mean, about your family, my family, and- "

"Pieter! I'm going to get married, with another man .."

His expression was indescribable. I regretted that I did not close my eyes at the moment. He froze for a moment, then started to say something, but he undo it. I would not be able to imagine before, a cheerful and witty Pieter who always had a thousand reasons to meet and talk to me to be silent like this. But the fact was clear in front of me and it made me even more sad and felt so guilty. If I had another choice.. Besides having to confirmed that he was not allowed to close to me again.

"Next month," I said, "he is an Eang's grandson friend. His name is Bagus. We have met and agreed on some things."

"Did you love him, Tin?" Pieter looked straight into my eyes. I was so much confused. It was so sudden, never existed in the graffiti scenarios in my head.

"I-"

"You do not love him .." he hung his words.

I almost gave up, but I have had not lost any sense.

"He's a good guy," I began, "polite, educated, come from a good family,"

"I did not ask it-"

"A native and we have the same faith."

His face was flushed, obviously he was so offended. Then as being sarcastic, he wondered aloud why all of the reasons were important to me. For him, love is above everything. For him, marriage without love is a ridiculous choice that ever existed in this world. I could not argue with him properly, because my heart said yes to every single thing he said. But I had to do something.

"You know nothing about my heart, Pieter." I said.

“I know, Suhartini. I know you feel what I feel."

"You're too confident!"

Pieter smiled. "Then you know my feelings, right?"

I was silent.

"I've met with Bagus. I admire him, he's so-"

Pieter smirked. I really hate him atnthis moment, but what I fought, my own heart?

"I know you love me, too,"

"No!"

I turned my face.

"So, why did you tell me about this?"

"Just because I want you to come on my wedding day later, as other school friends of ours, which also I invited." I replied flatly.

Pieter smirked again. "Are you sure you will be able to see me there?"

I looked at him angrily. Pieter ignored it.

"Then what does all this mean? You are not the type of �" I’m sorry �" a b***h who is willing to go with any man even if you have no feelings for that man, aren’t you?"

I slapped him on the left cheek. Pieter was not ready for it, but he seemed to have guessed it was going to happen. He knew that it was too much and I naturally couldn’t help myself. However, he could still manage to be patient.

Without thinking, I turned and walked quickly. I told myself to stem my tears atleast until I got home. Pieter tried to call me which I ignored. He was really out of control. As sadness over the fact that love can be so this bitter was not enough, now I must feel so humiliated by the man whose heart was where I put my heart into.

I didn't notice when he began to overtake me, but suddenly he walked almost beside me while begging me to stop which I ignored.

“Suhartini,”

“I said, you understand nothing!” I kept walking.

“Which point that I do not understand, Tin?”

“About us, Pieter.” I stopped my step. “You and me. Can’t you just see that we are too different?”

"Believe me, it is more evident in my eyes and my heart, Suhartini. I understand a lot more than anyone in this world."

"Then why do you keep trying to approach me?"

"Because of how to get rid of this feeling, Suhartini, how to stop loving you is the thing I do not understand. And how to stop being excited and shy away from the belief that you are the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life together with, it's that I do not know.."

Immediately I was stunned. I did not think his feeling was that deep, his dream was that far. He was so serious, anyone would believe the conviction that not only contained in his words but also seen from his eyes. I could never avoid his gaze. I always admired the eyes that had me stupefied one day, beautiful light brown eyes, deep and broad as keeping such a mystery. His eyes were like a gateway to another world I eagerly wanted to explore without a second thought.

I threw my face back before I couldn’t help myself entering it.

Pieter sighed. "I bet maybe if you love me, too.."

"We'll get through this.."

"Yes.."

I burst into tears. Finally, I was giving up. We’re really naive, so stupid. I feel cheated by my own feelings, which dispelled any bad possibilities I would have to face in my head, making me letting myself sink deeper in love filled with question marks and risks.

Pieter was about to wipe my tears, but he hesitated and undo it. I did not know if he knew how much I appreciated his attitude was, especially because we were getting older. He'd never touched me, except once in the class photo session a few months ago. Out of nowhere, he suddenly appeared and took a place next to me. I knew a half-Dutch young man were standing next to me and just normally ignored it. Until when the photographer gave the cue to us after asking all of us to smile, I was surprised to feel someone holding my hand and instinctively I turned to him and stared at him intently. He looked at me back and smiled slyly and that was the time the photographer took our picture.

"Please, stop blaming me, Suhartini." he said softly.

"I knew from the beginning, your parents certainly would not agree with this, people will desperately oppose our relationship. But I thought everything does take time.. In time, everyone will be able to accept it, if they see us happy. Really, I did not expect they would get you betrothed this soon.. "

There was only the sound of my cry for a few minutes afterwards.

"But you can cancel it, Tin."

"No, Pieter. I can’t," I said weakly. It was something that really far even from my wildest dreams. I was more upset because of despair.

Pieter repeated his words, at this time as half-pleading. I really did not expect this. I thought everything would go smoothly. It was uneasy thing for me to set out to meet him that day and expressed the reality, but I thought I was going to be able to hold my emotions, as I thought he would not argue with me so much that I gave up on my own heart. My thought was I could immediately leave him and forget him. Of course, I hoped I would not have to see him again after that.

Now he was asking for the impossibility. I had to end it.

"You will find a better woman someday, Pieter. She would be much prettier than me. A woman with the same faith, and is in the same group with you.."

"I can’t." he said.

"Sooner or later," I said, wiping my tears, "you would have forgotten me."

"I can not and will never be, Suhartini.”

I was about to walk away but he reached my hand quickly. “I won't forget you!"

I was too weak to do anything but letting him did it. I looked at his.

"Why, Pieter?” I asked. “Why do you insist?"

"Because I know my love’s reciprocated.. And I'll do anything to fight for the things I believe in. I will b everything for you, I will do anything,"

I was amazed, but then realized something. He was willing to do anything for me.

"In that case-"

"Anything but leaving you."