silent sorries

i let my mind imagine and this is what happened...

He wraps his hands around my waist, grasping it and holding me there. Panic rises up into my throat, scared of what he will say. I make the mistake of meeting his eyes. Brown portals showing his despair, silently, helplessly pleading for me to listen to him, for me to truly listen.

I wipe a tear from my eye, “What?” I choke out in a mere whisper.

“Honey,” his voice is so soothing, the most lovely sound on this earth. So many nights I fell asleep to it as he told me sweet stories, “I’m so worried about you.” Pain stabs my chest, I don’t want him to be worried about me, he shouldn’t have to worry. “You’re losing so much weight, your skin and bones.” I start to make an excuse or deny it, “You are, can’t you see it? Can’t you feel it?”

That hint of a tear lingers in his eye, evidence of the pain I cause him. My heart nearly explodes, the pain in my chest is over whelming. I shake my head, I mean it as ‘I understand don’t go on’ but he miss reads it, and his composure falters, a horrified frantic expression passes over his beautiful face.

Caught between a pleading cry for my understanding and anger, his grip tightens and he desperately yells, “Look at yourself, I can easily fit my hands around your waist. You are too skinny. I can see the ripple of your ribs through your shirt. The last time we were together, I was terrified I may crush you with every movement. There is no reason to do this to yourself, you’re young and beautiful.” He lets go of my waist and takes my hand, setting it over my ribs, they feel horrible and disgusting. Something in the back of my mind lies to me, telling me there is still too much fat clinging to them. My fingers sinking into the deep crevasse in between the protruding ribs. I try to pull my hand away as tears begin running in torrents down my cheeks. I need to free my self the hash reality of my body.

He finally releases my hand, expecting me to break down in his arms but I turn and run, but not very far at all, the energy isn’t there, I need it but there is nothing left. I crumple on the deck, the cabin looms above me, our table with the dinner he made, only 10 feet away. I’m so small in comparison to it all so small in such a big world.

“I’m sorry, so sorry, please, I’m sorry,” over and over his lovely lips form the words but no sounds escapes them. He’s next to me apologizing, when he did nothing wrong. He pointed something out, forced me to really see what I subconsciously knew was there, what the truth was. The pleading of his silent cries are echoed loudly in his eyes. His worry and love begging me to be okay. Begging for a change that will keep me alive.

“I’m sorry. I love you. its not your fault, you’ve nothing to apologize for. I love you. You didn’t do this.” I want to scream, but am met with thick, velvety darkness that takes hold of me, pulling me in and keeping me from uttering anything.

Author's Note

any thing to say about it? anything at all? all comments are very much so welcomed.

Reviews

[The Mad Prophet]

Very interesting, made me feel... Better about myself. (I Weigh a good 260lb)

Not bad, well placed words. I caught on this is a fictional character, very well done on that.

[Dustin Chang]

Are you desperately in love with somebody? All the shorts I've read, there's this unbelievable intimacy always present in your writing. If you are faking it, I'm very jealous of your ability to capture those moments, space btwn two persons, their world. This is little darker than your other shorts. But I love those little things the lovers(men) can't touch inside the female protagonist(s), that indeed they are three dimensional, complicated women who have their own secrets that they won't/can't share even with their lovers. Great writing full of intricacies. Enjoyed it a lot.

Some spelling: overwhelm is one word.
"I need to free myself the harsh reality of my body."