John
woke up with a big smile on his face, as he always does. He knew it would be a
fantastic day, despite not knowing what the day had in store for him. He went down
his stairs, still draped in his ever-so-tacky robe to make his morning coffee.
John liked a blend from his local coffee shop, but everyone else agreed that it
was disgusting. He poured it into his mug which read “worlds greatest dad”
(despite the fact that he was not a father, nor the worlds greatest anything),
at which point he clumsily spilled some on the counter. To any normal person
this would be a bad thing, but not to John. John was not normal. In fact, most
described John as strange, irritating, and slightly unnerving. It was after his
morning coffee that John decided to head to work.
John stepped
in his blue 1997 Toyota Camry LE, which was the ugliest car you could possibly imagine.
John loved ugly things, and it’s certain that if he had a girlfriend, she would
be the absolute ugliest. John left his driveway and got on the interstate,
always making sure he was following the speed limit. John had no excitement in
his life, and led a boring existence. He arrived at work, where he worked as a-
you know what? Who cares? I’m sure whatever his job is it’s boring and
unrewarding. You see, John had no ambition in life, and never had any. He was
merely coasting his way through life, blissfully unaware of how much others
dislike him. John walked up the stairs to his office. He preferred the stairs
to the elevator, because it kept him in shape. However, walking up the stairs
could not do anything about his face. He passed by several of his coworkers on
the way up, and they exchanged pleasantries. John’s coworkers all secretly hated
him, but he was not aware of this. He was not aware of anything, really, as he
was inattentive and just generally stupid. He sat down at his desk for a long
day of work. He was excited for this productive day, despite the fact that he
was never productive and everyone hated him.
When
lunchtime came, John pulled out the packed lunch he brought from home. He carried
it with him in a plastic bag because he hated the environment and sea turtles.
He brought a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo on white bread, the most boring
sandwich he could possibly bring. The mundanity of this sandwich was only
compounded by the fact that he brought the same sandwich every single day. At
quitting time, John walked out to his awful, run down car, and headed for home.
He maintained the speed limit the whole way back because, again, John was a
horridly boring human being. I’m sure he does it for his own safety, because he’s
too stupid to not hit other cars. He arrived in his driveway, turned off his
car, and headed inside. He was greeted by his two children, who I’m sure were
adopted. Oh, did I say he wasn’t a father? I meant he wasn’t a good father. I’m sure his children will
grow up to be burglars or murderers. He brought home fast food for dinner, as
he wasn’t smart or talented enough to cook for himself. They all sat and ate
quietly, as John was too stupid to think of anything to say. After dinner, he
put his kids to sleep without reading them a bedtime story, because he didn’t
know how to read and hated his children. He then went up to his room, which I’m
sure is disgusting and has garbage strewn about. John lived like a pig, and he
looked like one. He got back in his robe, which was disgustingly filthy and
tacky. He went to bed with that same stupid smile on his face that he woke up
with. He thought he lived a wonderful existence. I hate John.
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