i was afraid that we were destitute

written during my anthropology class, while i should have been taking notes.

“The truth is,” I told him

And my eyes felt burning, but

They probably just looked calm;

Like a winter sea that will never let you

See its floor,

“I only wanted to watch you from a distance.”

So you stepped aside

To the edges of my vision,

And to you it was love, but

To me it was hate,

Because I was hate,

And you laid yourself down to my bidding.

I remember that one time

My mother gathered me in her arms

And cried into my ear, saying

Something about how young I was,

And that I wasn't ready to leave.

But she didn't understand

What love was; how

You have to run after it.

You can't let it go.

And she'd gotten my ear wet, so I pulled away,

Wiping it with my sleeve,

And told her goodbye, saying I'd call

When I got there. But I wouldn't.

And we were 30 miles down the road

When I realized

I was wearing her jacket,

The worn-out denim one

She'd had since high school;

It was her favorite, but it fit me well.

I was surprised she hadn't noticed it

When we were saying goodbye,

That she didn't ask me to

Leave it behind.

I had an interesting thought

The day following the night that you

Destroyed the world;

That the ridge of your cheekbone rose

At a pleasing angle, a gentle swell

That's good to watch.

So throughout the smashing, wrecking,

Swinging, burning, pounding,

Obliterating, pulverizing,

And killing, if you

Stay turned toward me

There on your pillow, and I'm on mine,

I'll remember that you're beautiful,

And I won't stop you.