An apology to my friends

I'm sorry for the way you were treated

When I was thirteen, fourteen,

 Fifteen, sixteen

There is no excuse for bad behaviour

But have you ever spent so many years thinking

That death was better, that your life was fleeting

Of living, dying, and endless crying

Of an ache so bad it shut your mouth,

It stopped all the words that needed to come out

The pain of starving to lose a pound

The torment of feeling as though you had drowned

Have you ever looked up

How many painkillers it takes

To stop your heart,

To end this race

Have you ever clawed

At your skin

because your soul was trapped in a prison

Have you ever thought that before sixteen

Your life would end

And you would be free?

 

There is no excuse for the way you were treated

Only an explanation into why

I stared through you for days on end

I was too busy contemplating suicide

I am sorry for the times I opened my mouth

And only cruel, harsh words fell out

I am sorry for the days that started off so good

I am sorry for the lies, you did all you could

I never noticed the looks you gave

To each other when I began to cave

I never heard the words you spoke

“she’s not talking today”

I had given up hope

 

Now today we are older, still friends

Yet we hardly talk

I made it end

But I had good days, even then

And I look back fondly

 

Depression is a mist of darkness

It ruins friendships, blinds partners

I can barely speak of it now,

How close I was to the end

I can only say I'm sorry

And that I wish you were my friends.