Poisonous Darkness

Poisonous darkness slips silently through my mind; cold, sinful hands reach down, deep into the isolated depths of my insecurities. Fearful hands suffocate each and every thought of happiness and, with a smothering touch, aim to destroy every flickering light of hope. My lifeless eyes cry the fatal tears of loneliness as my dying heart and defeated soul tear themselves in two. Fractured images, glimpses of the things that have been, surround my damaged thoughts and almost offer to take away the dreadful pain. But as my ruined hand of hope reaches out in desperation towards the almost rewarding destination of ending my life, the promising chance slips through my weakened fingers, forcing me in further: further into the depths of my own, ever darkening, thoughts.

Author's Note

There are various parts that could be improved, I know, and therefore any suggestions are welcome. Also, if anyone feels they have a more fitting title I'd be happy to change it.

Reviews

[William Liston]

I think we've all been in this "poisonous darkness" state before, and your words capture it vividly. I read this more as a prose poem than a story, primarily because it uses evocative language and striking imagery to convey emotion as opposed to characterization, plot, scenes, ... (elements used in narratives). I especially liked the image at the end, with the desperate hand reaching towards what seems like a happy ending, and the final sentence letting the words resonate in the reader's mind.

As for critiques: I think this piece is too descriptive. I found many adjectives and adverbs unnecessary. For example, when you said "cold, sinful hands" I would've omitted the word "sinful" because it doesn't add much. The same goes for the word "lifeless" in "My lifeless eyes" and "fatal" in "fatal tears. That being said, I suggest you to take notice of EVERY adjective and adverb and this piece; read certain sentences with and without them and decide which ones are unnecessary (this is, of course, quite subjective ... you may think they are all necessary, and that is just fine).

Also, I would use a dash instead of a colon in the last sentence.

Hope this was helpful.

- William Liston

[elenaluisa]

Thank you for a really helpful review. I will see if I can eliminate some of the adjectives and adverbs and maybe replace them with a more effective word. I agree with the use of a dash instead of a colon. Thanks again for your review.