Ms. Modern

Critique of today’s feminism inspired by George Carlin’s “Modern Man” monologue.

Ms. Modern

 

As you can see, I’m liberated

A girl of the 21^st century.

I’m my own boss and you’ll be at a loss

If you don’t treat me with respect.

 

I’m marvelously medicated

Microplastic and gluten free.

My eco-friendly lip gloss 

Says I’m politically correct.

 

On Tinder, I’m not tender

I know exactly what I want.

We’ll split the bill and I’ll be chill

When you act out what you see in porn.

 

Then I’ll write return to sender.

I’ll be quick and nonchalant.

Easy, breezy, and on the pill

But when you leave, I’ll be torn.

 

I’ll hop right on my Peloton

And forget what just took place.

After all, I have a conference call

And an Etsy store to run.

 

And once my Lean Cuisine is gone 

I’ll put some oils my face

And settle in for a nice, long haul

Of Netflix true crime fun.

 

When I see girls from my high school

Getting married at twenty-five

I feel a pang of sympathy

For all that wasted potential

 

How can you play by your own rules?

What pleasure can you derive

From a nagging, dragging family

And a life with no credentials?

 

I got Ann from HR fired

Rumor has it, she’s transphobic

I dug through tweets and found receipts

And she’s rightly getting toasted

 

 

I’ll be 80 when I retire

And probably anaerobic

But with a legacy of perfect spreadsheets

I’ll be hot and Huffington Post-ed.