Girl, Delusional: Addison Rae

This is an essay I wrote about my love of Addison Rae and why I believe she embodies the archetype of the delusional girl. It was featured in the first issue of Delude Magazine!

To me, a delusional girl is at peace on camera and at odds with reality. Whether her disconnect between real and fake is a conscious choice, performance art, or a miraculous deficiency in self-awareness constitutes her allure; this mystery is where she derives her power. One may be compelled to ask, is that a knowing twinkle in her eye, or a flash of truly unblemished glee? I wondered this when Addison Rae first emerged from the glitchy mania of the TikTok Hype House. Some of her peers were technically better dancers, but there was no question as to who had star power once the camera was on. She embodied every cartoonish facial expression and cheerleader-like movement with the enthusiasm and prowess of a seasoned showgirl, without an ounce of the embarrassment that would sometimes cause her counterparts to stumble or laugh at themselves. Here is a girl, I thought, entirely unburdened by the crushing self-awareness that most of us suffer from after so many years online. 

            A self-awareness that pushes us to choose an aesthetic to identify with, each associated with its own array of media, products, and icons. A look at my lace-lined socks, Red Scare Patreon membership, and copy of Anna Karenina on my dresser will tell you that I’m a coquette girl. I’m painfully aware of how I come across online and of the fact that my stylistic choices are largely derived from Pinterest. I’ve heard friends lament the fact that they are constantly being “perceived.” Before posting a random thought on my story, I wonder what level of irony to operate on, and whether this will translate to those who see it. When the Internet chooses a new social cause to rally behind, I’m told that not posting about it contributes to the problem. Much of Gen Z calls itself “chronically online.”   

            And here we have Addison, a product of the Internet who seems wholly unconcerned with its corrosive effects and demands of how one must conduct themselves. She is the only personality from her TikTok milieu who hasn’t addressed her haters or complained about the pitfalls of fame. She clearly wants to be adored, but not in a craven way or to fill a void. She wants it in the way that I did when I was a girl waiting backstage at my school’s talent show, only a few years away from the all-consuming self-consciousness of middle school that would drive me away from singing. Addison welcomes fame with a radiant smile and a sense of wonder like that of Dorothy walking down the yellow brick road. A yellow brick road that leads to Hollywood, which has lost its shimmer and been exposed as a cesspool of sinister power plays in the past few years. It’s also the fact that Addison seems to maintain this starry-eyed awe despite this that makes her a delusional girl. 

            Addison is like the popular girl in high school who you want to assign a negative quality to but can’t. She’s too nice to call mean and too naturally charming to call fake and while her sensuality is impossible to overlook, it isn’t provocative enough to say she tries too hard. The very conventionality of her sex appeal is what makes it interesting. It is not campy or edgy or laden with political commentary or enhanced by a cool personal style or nearing the uncanny valley in its cyborg-like perfection. It doesn’t require nuance or control of its own narrative. Like the classical archetype of the muse, Addison is a thing of beauty, and you can project onto her as you wish. Your perception of her does not subtract from her undeniable warmth and positivity. It can be best summed up in this caption: “I have nothing to say, I’m just posting a selfie.” There’s something refreshing about that.