DIARY OF A SHIFU

An hilarious out of the box story from the OTB Master, in this story, Emmy Blinks takes the readers through a series of funny interesting adventures that would leave readers glued from start to finish

 

 

THE DIARY OF

A SHIFU

 

(MY OUT OF THE BOX STORY)

 

 

 

 

 

Written By Emmy Blinks

Aka DA OTB MASTER

 

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to God almighty and all the creative members of planet phenom pictures galaxy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE ONE

 

Ok, I have being sitting in front of my keyboard for ten minutes wondering how to begin this story, I have also unlocked my inner chiakra so I can connect with my very own jujitsu. In the words of the great Augustus Caesar, 'any which way na way' therefore I would begin this story from the middle.

 

THE MIDDLE

At this point in my life, I would very well say I was just recovering from my 25th heartbreak, meanwhile did I tell you I once suffered the fatality of four heartbreaks in one week? Omo, that is a story you wouldn't want to miss.

I watched Favor as she walked away from me after she had just eaten my last four thousand naira at Kada plaza, only she chop ice cream, meat pie, hamburger, sausage roll, chicken pie, hot dog, doughnut and some snacks and she still had the effrontery to look in my eyes and tell me she was breaking up with me cos I was insensitive to her feelings.

*But girls sha!! My money was sensitive to your feelings and you were totally slain in the spirit just some minutes ago. U knew fully well that U wanted to break up, yet U sit down chop my money. I cursed her silently in my heart as she walked away*

From my mind's eye, as she walked away on her heels, the ground fought for me as she suddenly slipped on the smooth tiled floor and fell with a mighty thud that replicated the famous fall of humpty dumpty who sat on a wall, as she fell, her red gown tore and a huge part of her stretch marks ridden thighs laid exposed to the crowd, as she buried her head to the ground in utter shame. I didn't know when I burst out in loud and provoking laughter, every single eye turned to look at me in amazement, I began to wonder if they hadn't seen what I had seen before I came to the realisation that Favor's fall had only occurred in my head. I looked around in embarrassment at the faces that had stared at me. Even Favor had to turn back and look at me, she shook her head in pity I guess, for her mind she go say 'hei yah, this boy don OFF.

I watched Favor exit the door, I felt tears drop from my eyes, I had being fooled again... I felt like I was the vanquished in the award winning movie 'Fool Of Life' written by Victor Banks.

                

As I sat there wondering how I would return to my house at Utagban quarters in the remotest part of Ugbighoko, where you would have to enter two buses, three bikes and one keke na pep, considering the fact that Favor had stripped me lean and I was now having only two hundred naira in my wallet, my mind rolled back to my life as it had been so far before this unfortunate break up experience.

 

THE BEGINING

My name is Emmy Blinks, don't ask me any question, if you nor like the name, draw up a petition and send it to Mr Okunrobo. (Mr Okunrobo was one of my secondary school teachers, He once flogged me over fifty five strokes in front of my Pastor's daughter back in school, *I pray make I cry o, I bone the cane like tanigororo banigororo.

Meanwhile the blinks is actually my own spelling for BLINGS. Check out the meaning in your dictionary, it you ain't got one ask Mr Alabi, my secondary school English Teacher. (The same Alabi that used to call me 'foolish boy' and every time he did, I would cover my mouth with my hand and softly reply, 'Foolish man')

 

I have actually acquired a great number of nicknames from birth up till now, names like Blackishan, Harvander, Capt. Barbossa, Emmy Guerero, Emmy Phenom and recently acquired the enviable title of OTB Master. Was I born with a silver spoon? I would leave that question for my opponents to answer. But I quite remember that I was born with a spoon, the kind of spoon I don't quite remember.

As for the period I was born, I can very well remember we played games like Boju Boju, dribble to score, I here court, Police catch thief, Osuway, Ski Ski Skilolo and a host of other games, We sang songs like 'leke leke give me water finger', 'sandalili sandalili' 'jangolova, epo motor', 'London bridge is falling down' (that London bridge that has being falling since I was born and till today e never still fall finish. Msheew!!!)

We had snacks like Hausa sweet, Hausa groundnut, Abacha cap, long life, kuli kuli, faco yoghurt, and a host of others.

I fell in love quite early in life, I was already dedicated to loving and adoring at the age of FOUR. Gosh I loved her so much and wouldn't go anywhere without her, I could never leave her for even a second, I was so in love with my SCHOOL BAG, she was all that mattered to me, she went with me even to church. Every time I looked at the brightly coloured red words 'I LOVE MY MUMMY' on the milk coloured bag, my heart goes jigi jigi bam bam.

 

Just in case you are still having problems knowing the kind of person I am, I would give you a brief description of me.

I am a boy, I have a complexion, I do not plait my hair, I wear trousers and shirts, I have never worn a skirt before, I live in a house, my house is located in a street, the street is.... alright I know You already know me from the description.. One more thing I am the writer of that comic movie that rocked Africa and the World in general.... 'Armour Of God' even though I haven't officially started writing the scripts for the movie.

Alright, enough about me, let's talk about you..

You are either male or female and you are reading this story right now, I guess that's enough about you.

 

Meanwhile my story continues, I would like to refer to myself as SHIFU in this story.

 

Before I begin my story, I would love to introduce you to my crew, the story wouldn't begin or end without my loyal and faithful SIX... IFE my real real paddy. aka Mr Producer, AZE our scholar aka professor of life, EGU the strongest of us all although he is also noted for the famous Michael Jackson Backslide, aka Mr Lyricist, OMO my guy wey know me reach house aka Brother Charles pikin, OSA the finest of us for e tiny mind aka Mr Adobe and OMUREN my brother, my guy though he wasn't with us in school days, he was more of my Home paddy, aka Mr Director.

 

We were an unbeatable pack back in our school days, the exploits of men like Samson were nothing compared to our exploits and achievements. I would really love to jump forward and relieve the memorable moments and our glory days but as Steven Covey put it in his book 'seven habits of highly effective people' he said 'PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST'

 

So, rather than jumping forward, I would begin my story by telling U about my first crush. I thought I was only Eight years old. Her name was Obehi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE TWO

 

THE CRUSH

I was an academic bebelebe, as in I be know booker. Always topped the class from primary one to four and also had the added benefit of being the class prefect in these classes too. But ask me why I shouldn't top the class? My Mum was a teacher and if you per adventure scored less than hundred percent in any subject, she would calculate all the scores you missed and flog you the equivalent, so when I say My Mum could flog you two hundred strokes, nor be exaggeration. Talking about flogging! How many of you were flogged with TV aerial? What about comb? What about mirror? What about with a TV set? That was my Dad, the man would flog you with everything he could lay his hands on, even flogged me using my elder brother one Sunday evening. Details of that episode have been stolen from this diary though.

 

I had many friends, 1st reason was cos I know book and 2ndly was cos I was a class prefect, I always had to write the names of noise makers and God help you if we were not in good terms, I would write your name and multiply it by ten.

It was during the process of carrying out my assignment as a class prefect that I first discovered I was crushing on Obehi.

 

Haba! I should describe her? Ok, she was a girl, with a complexion, she had hair, two eyes, one nose, she could smile and she could cry - yea, the cry part, which was what first attracted me to her.

I had written her name on my list of noisemakers on that fateful day cos I had begged her for GOGO chocolatey sweets and she had refused.

She should have known better than to refuse her class prefect. Trust uncle A.B, he nor dey use flogging play, (infact we believe that when he finally gets to hell fire the devil would appoint him as minister of flogging affairs)

He flogged all the unlucky pupils mercilessly, till they all began to cry blood and there was blood all over the place. The blood was so much that it covered everyone and we were almost drowning before Moses came and stretched his rod and parted the red blood and we were able to walk on dry land again.

 

Ok, back to sanity, continuation from the flogging, Uncle A.B flogged them so hard and you wouldn't believe it, Obehi cried from that period till the close of school for that day.

Ok, Obehi was beautiful but I had never really taken note of her before, the tears I saw dropping from her eyes that very day did all the magic. That was the first time I saw Obehi cry so you can call it LOVE at first cry or rather more appropriately CRUSH at first cry.

I found myself acting the work of the Holy Spirit in her life that day being a comforter to the depressed Obehi. But Obehi refused to be comforted, you know all those kind cry wey sound nor dey come out but the tears dey flow. Obehi would have cried 20litres of tears that day cos we eventually needed a boat to come out of the class at the close of lectures.

I practically comforted Obehi till she eventually left school that day, She eventually stopped leaking, I mean tears stopped dropping and though she still wore the gloomy face as she walked away, a seed had been sown in my little heart. I was in love, hmmm, sorry, I meant I was in CRUSH.

 

That night, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about Obehi, images of her tears filled eyes kept appearing in my head, I suddenly had a very soft spot for her, I suddenly found myself wanting to be her defender, her fighter, her hero, her pillow, infact I wanted to be her very own George of the jungle.

Obehi helped me discover my 1st poetic skills, that night I wrote my very first love poem. It was a six lines poem and dear reader you are in luck cos I still have it here in my diary, read it and be blessed.

 

Obehi is a kind of fruit

Shalalala

Sweet like sugar

Yellow like Fanta

Everybody loves Obehi

Obehi!!!

 

Hmmm. Thank you, thank you, No cameras, no cameras, I know you are amazed at the kind of creative ability I had as a kid.

I could hardly sleep that night, I was in crush, I really had to show Obehi my poem the next day, it was until Angel Gabriel appeared to me and told me 'my Son, be of good cheers, a virgin shall bear a son and call his name Emmanuel that was when I could sleep.

(Hold it!!! I read your mind, you just asked 'what's the relationship? You know what? Ask the jury...

Hehehe, this reminds me of one dull girl I met in the university, she asked me a stupid question and I was like 'ask the jury' this dumb girl opened her mouth and asked me, who is Jury? She actually thought it was the name of a boy!!! Hehehe, girls dull sha, nah, not you reading this, I meant other girls)

 

The next morning, I was the first to arrive school, by the way I attended WISDOM Montessori school, it was the best primary school in the world at that time, by BEST I meant Bushy, Extremely far, Secluded and Tough. Just an acronym as you can see.

I waited till break time before I handed Obehi my well drafted poem, trust me I packaged the poem with two packets of her favourite snack. The award winning chocolaty GOGO. Obehi read the poem and fell in love or rather fell in CRUSH instantly with me *I never knew it was the GOGO that sparked up her feelings or should I say crushings for me, GIRLS!!! - deceiving boys since the beginning of the world*

 

That was how I and Obehi began a GOGO filled relationship. She would always be lively, play with me, even call me her husband as long as I had a packet of GOGO to offer, if I didn't have any GOGO to offer, she wouldn't even talk to me let alone play with me.

 I spent all the money I had as a kid buying GOGO for Obehi, I bought nothing less than four GOGOS a day. Two packs cost five naira then and my mum usually gave me ten naira to school, so in other news I spent all my snack money buying GOGO for Obehi but I didn't care, after all, Uncle Ehrumwunse, Our children bible study teacher once taught us that true love was sacrificial and Jesus sacrificed for us, I was only trying to be like Jesus.

 

I was seriously enjoying my newly found love and trust me as long as I always had GOGO to offer, no one was going to steal my Obehi from me, Our love surmounted all obstacles until we eventually crossed primary four into primary five and MACSON came along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE THREE

 

THE BOY MACSON

As I earlier stated, I and Obehi were having a perfect GOGO filled relationship until Macson happened.

 

Ok now I would tell you about Macson, if we were movie stars, I would be Brad Pitt and he would be Mr Ibu, If we were singers, I would be John Legend and he would be Slizzy E, If we were footballers, I would play for Barcelona F.C and he would be on the bench for Sabetu football club, Evbuotubu branch. Gosh! We were so far apart in all ramification. I too pass that boy I swear, book e nor know, tall e nor tall, fine e nor fine, infact even for ugly, he was still a learner, so I really wonder what Obehi had seen in him.

The unfortunate incident bore its seeds when we moved into primary five and uncle Jerry Our primary five teacher thought it wise to move some pupils from primary five B to primary five A and Macson happened to be one of these pupils.

 

THE SUSPICION THEORY

Ok, this is a special theory for my fellow guys out there. 'when u discover your girl having more than what she can afford and you didn't give it to her and you are very sure her parents didn't give it to her, then know it's time for you to begin to take karate classes cos U would soon have to fight to protect your investment'

 

It began when I first discovered she was beginning to have more packets of GOGO than I bought for her. I always counted how many GOGOS she had in a day and it was quite easy to discover that she was beginning to have more than six GOGOs in a day, I only bought her four before but it had dropped to three a day when we got into primary five as the GOGO seller had started selling at five naira a packet and three packets for ten naira. The cost of GOGO had increased but my Mom didn't increase my allowance. So it was a wonder when I discovered she was having close to six packs a day, I even peeped into her bag after close of school one day and discovered she had over ten packets of GOGO as take home for that day.

What!! I was a strong believer of the suspicion theory even at that age so I could very well guess that someone was beginning to contend with me on the battlefield of love or rather battle field of CRUSH. I didn't have to ask her anything, I had to be prepared to take out this intruder when the time came.

In the book, the Power Of Attraction, the author mentioned that what you think about more is often drawn to You. And so it was, as I tugged slowly behind Obehi one Thursday evening, after evening lectures in school, I saw a sign post advertising a free 2days Karate training for young people, my face suddenly brightened, I was going to teach my competitor a lesson. - that was what I thought to myself though.

 

A MONDAY TO REMEMBER

I woke up that Morning, feeling like Van Damme, My two days training at the stadium was eventually going to pay off today, I had already drawn my plans, I didn't need to ask her to confirm my suspicions, I knew there was someone else and that someone else was about to feel my *Zengsu sudashi, gedan barang*

I didn't even know who I was up against but I intended finding out that morning and handling the person my *brutality* in d voice of Shao khan.

 

When I got to school that morning, my spirit was entirely high, I couldn't even wait for the bells to ring for break, I didn't hear anything my teachers were saying, all I could hear were the voices of the Karate Coaches who had coached us during the weekend, their funny Chinese phrases clouded my brain, all I could see was defending and protecting my investment.

 

Kpagam! Kpagam!! Kpagam!!! The bell rang for break, as everybody shouted 'hei' I was busy perfecting my zengsu. I walked up to Obehi's seat, she was rather surprised cos the usual thing I would have done would be to go out for break and return in less than five minutes with three packs of GOGO and I would sit beside her and watch her devour them, she never even bothered to share.

As I stood in front of her, I observed she was looking at my hands as if to say ‘where are my GOGOs?’

 

'Who is it?'

I guess she wasn't expecting the question as her face twisted into one of confusion, she regarded me again and asked in reply 'what do you mean?' I asked again, this time with a little touch of baritone in my voice 'who has been buying you GOGO?'

She paused for a while and then broke out into a very offensive laughter that I felt like giving her 'hakinamunu iyamoto', 'Answer me?' my voice was deeper this time.

'And how is that any business of yours?'

I felt like cleaning my ears, I wasn't sure I had quite heard her properly, then I gathered myself, that wasn't her voice, her lips hadn't even moved, I suddenly realised the voice had come from behind me, I turned around and was staring at the face of the short man devil that was no match for me in any category whatsoever.

Macson was standing there looking at me, I looked down at his hands and saw packs of GOGO, it could have been over five packets, as I stared at him in total shock, it suddenly dawned on me and everything became quite clear.

 

Obehi and Macson lived close to each other, most times they walked to school together and went home together. I had never had any reason to distrust Obehi before cos she had told me they were cousins.

 

I felt like shouting and crying at the same time, so he always brought his own GOGOs to Obehi before I brought mine, no wonder he always practically ran out of the class once the bell was rung, I sized him with my eyes as I eyed him distastefully, I turned to Obehi and she looked away from me absentmindedly, she didn't care, after all, he gave her six GOGOs and I barely gave her three, he was doubling my effort.

I wasn't going to let Macson go scot free, He was going to learn the hard way that no one messes with a Kara taker’s crush. I moved forward like flash and without thinking I landed him a dirty slap across the face

 

Meanwhile, As Newton's third law would put it 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, Macson's reaction was the kind I would chose to refer to as Unequal and perpendicular destruction. I followed the words of my sensei 'in the game of kungfu, speed determines the winner' but I failed to adhere to the strict guiding philosophy of the sensei. 'Never Underestimate Your Opponent'. I had unleashed my action but the reaction I experienced that day, I swear I never saw it coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE FOUR

 

As I slapped Macson, I balanced myself and took the famous Zengzu sudashi stance, awaiting his incoming pig rush and totally ready to crumple his banana move with my great sun style, I really wanted to teach him a lesson and send a message to every other dude that would want to come near my Obehi in the future, to me I was a Sylvester Stallone and he was a bloody Baba Ijebu, I closed my eyes for a split second as I anticipated his next move.

I opened my eyes as I watched his face change from the mock mode it wore before, to angry mode and then to sad mode and the next thing I saw was tears rolling down Macson's cheek, I was perplexed and as I was still trying to understand what was going on, Macson burst out tearfully, as he opened his wide mouth in tears 'is it not because you can beat me? You must kill me today' Oh my God, I was ashamed for him and in that instance of distraction, I lost my defensive stance and didn't see him coming.

Macson was still crying loudly when he dived me and caught me off guard, the next thing I felt were sharp finger nails clawing at my face, his sharp finger nails narrowly missed my eyes, maybe by now I would have been like the famous one eyed warrior.

It had happened so fast, I fell to the ground and all I could feel were the painful stings of pinches on my face and neck, before I knew it, I felt his teeth on my neck.

Yekpa!!! Na bite be that? This boy na vampire o, I was shouting for help by the time I felt the painful stings of cane on our bodies, obviously Uncle Jerry had come into the class and that was their best way to stop a fight, flogging the two fighters like say dem nor get mouth to say STOP.

 

To cut a long story short, the fight ended, we both received strokes, I lied to my mum about the scratches on my face and neck, Obehi told me to never talk to her again, she even taunted me with the fact that she would get married to Macson.

I was really heartbroken for the first time in my life, nor be say she leave me naim pain me o, it was because I kept remembering all the GOGO I spent money on and what I would have achieved if I had saved all that money.

 

I nor send sha, I had learnt a lesson, it was my 1st heartbreak but I had understood two very important rules in life.

 

Rule Number One: Go Get Money

Rule Number Two: Don't You Ever Forget Rule Number One

 

Though I have forgotten the heartbreak and the hurt, I still can't imagine what Obehi saw in Macson, I was way ahead of Macson in everything, was it really all about the GOGO? Girls sha!

Obehi taunted me that she would get married to Macson.

NEWSFLASH: Obehi is now married to a Politician with two kids and Macson owns a mini store where he sells provisions, Obehi still drives there to buy the equivalent of GOGO, NESTLE MILO once in a while and Macson gives her NESTLE MILO for free, maybe someday after the Politician has died, Obehi might still marry Macson the GOGO seller...

According to Baba Ijebu - 'never give up on your dreams' *winks*

 

                   ************

 

THE TASK

We were all gathered sitting hands folded and legs crossed, the type some people call sitting akimbo.

We would have been seven in the dojo that morning, I looked from face to face as I saw my mentors in the field of karate and kungfu. There was Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Bruce Lee, Chow Yun Fat, Sammo Hung, Wong Ki Ying and of course the greatest of them all, my humble self, Blackishan.

The Old Grandmaster stood in front of us as he began to speak in Chinese.

'Yun Chan tan kin tin poon lin, shu lin pin tin, zang tang lin boon, tin pun tin lang sang dan lin zin'

 

We all nodded in unison as we totally understood all he had said and you my dear readers were all confused as you couldn't understand what he had said.

According to him we had proved ourselves worthy to be selected for the great task that lay ahead of us. He made us understand the importance of the great task that we were about to undertake, he stressed on the fact that there was no margin for failure. The whole universe was counting on us, He made us understand that every single one of us would have to engage our creativity and resourcefulness, he also told us that we would require help and a part of our task was selecting our team by ourselves.

His remaining words were in Chinese and they went thus..

'pupatalyin, yan tin pun chin lin, phenom, mand su teresh ling pun tin chung'

And we all responded 'amin, amin, amin, korukor jesu'

Then the music of Agbakpan Olita was softly playing in the background as we moved towards the grandmaster to collect our scrolls one by one.

I was the last to pick up my scroll, I received it from the Grandmaster and slowly opened it, on opening it, I saw only three brightly coloured letters on the scroll.

Written in red ink were the letters R.D.P, I studied the letters carefully and as I looked up to the grandmaster to explain what it meant, he smiled and replied. Use your resourcefulness and Initiative.

The last words he said to me were, find your team, and fulfil your task. R... D... and P...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE FIVE

 

I repeated the letters R, D, P continuously as I watched the grandmaster and all the other kung Fu kings disappear into thin air... as I stood there wondering what to do next, the clouds began to darken and without warning, the rains began to pour in torrents.

 

'Raise his head', 'hold him still'... I opened my eyes to loud shouts from different voices and felt the cold chilling water being poured on me, 'he has opened his eyes' it was the voice of Macomita, my course mate in the university, I could recognize his voice even in the dream,

I opened my eyes and looked round, I was been surrounded by a small crowd, they all wore blue lab coats and when I looked round, I immediately understood what had happened - I had fainted.

University Of Benin will not kill somebody, I was in hundred level studying one of the only two courses that existed in the world. (You do know the two courses right? Engineering and The others - You know God created all men equal then a few became engineers right?

Ok, I had just rounded up my hundred level and we were undergoing this industrial training they called UBITS, the stress associated with that training was the same kind of stress that killed one president of one country that they called the giant of Africa, the President was recorded to have died overseas while he was still in active duty.

The training was for a period of one month and we were just two weeks into it, I was feeling seriously weak and sickly that morning but the practical for that morning was mechanical based. All true Uniben graduates would know that the fear of Mechanical Ela was the beginning of wisdom. Onaghise and Enadeghe were two men that even the Devil had to dig a tunnel and pass through it rather than cross their path. their favourite words were 'GET - OUT' *Engine boys would know what I mean* It was so bad that they hardly used any other vocabulary, we strongly believe that they would be employed as gatemen in heaven to tell sinners to GET - OUT on judgement day.

So to cut a long story short, even if I felt sick that morning, the fear of Mechanical Ela took me to the lab that morning and the stress of mechanical Ela and my emotional state at that time considering I was on the verge of losing my first true love combined together and landed me a 'no shadow kick' that led to the fainting and subsequent revival by immersion in water or rather that should be sprinkling.

I was later taken to the hospital where I recovered very quickly but the trance I fell into where I met the grandmaster and the other kungfu lords was the beginning of a total new experience for me, the letters R, D, P suddenly meant something new to me, I couldn't just get them off my head no matter how hard I tried. It was so bad that whenever I saw any word that had any of the letters, my heart would immediately begin to beat fast. Obviously, that wasn't an ordinary trance or black out, there was more to it, I felt it deep within my spirit that somehow I had been given a mission, I had being called for something great. I remembered the grandmaster's words. Find your team and fulfil your task. R, D and P.

 

Meanwhile I just observed, I fast forwarded my story by quite a number of years, so before we continue with this point, we might have to do a little rewind.

 

Welcome back, I guess I lost you after the episode with Obehi and Macson, After the heartbreak episode, I moved on quite easily, finished primary school, had the best result in the world in the Primary School Leaving School Certificate examination.

 

I got into secondary school with very high hopes, the BEST secondary school in the world *I guess by now you know what I mean by BEST*

The name of my school was P International High School, whatever the P means to you take it like that, for the sake of this story I would say it meant Power Pass Power, so I attended Power Pass Power International High School.

 

My secondary school days were special for so many reasons, I was an academic bebelebe like I already mentioned before and as they would say, like attracts like, all my secondary school friends were also academic bebelebes. Major details that made us extraordinary would come on later in this diary but for now things that are worthy of note included the fact that we had our own squad, team of five, an A team just like Obama had *Note, he did read about us and decided to copy our style*

The six years spent in secondary school had its own glory and indeed there were cloudy days - a whole lot of them but no matter how forces of nature conspired against us we were ready to jump back and bite off its ears (taking a cue from Mike Tyson)

It was in secondary school that I unlocked my first chiakra, I discovered that apart from my A team being bebelebes academically, we were also musical bebelebos, we could sing and the only instrument we needed was a table, our hands and our voices and what you got was exceptionally good music.

Hmmmmm... Did I mention that I was class Prefect again from J.S.S1 to S.S 3? I guess I am that kind of guy you would want to call Omonitor of life (hehehehehe, I was born for the job, I guess, I might be a class Prefect in heaven too and write names of noise makers)

 

Like I said, secondary school also had its cloudy moments, like when Mr Anakhu gave me the 'Barakumudesoro' that's my word for the kind of knock that man pressed on my head, Jesus! That is the kind of knock that we call 'KONK', the man konked me so hard that till now, anytime I remember, I still scratch my head, *No wahala sha, If You are reading this now, Mr Anakhu, just know that, I must KONK your pikin back, anywhere I see am', another cloudy moment was when Mr Okunrobo flogged me over five hundred strokes one morning and Aunty Jennifer was busy adding fuel to the flames rather than douse it.

Another one, was when I and my A team wowed the whole school and visitors during a special program held in the school with our musical amalgamations and One of our uncles wey dey form our manager, wey we nor sign any deal put o, collected all the money wey dem spray us - over five million naira, my guy - he come ask us wetin we want, and my friend Aze said 'ice cream* this our uncle,tru tru buy ice-cream for us Chucken the remaining over five million naira dey form e dey keep am for us.

 

Though it wasn't all cloudy, we also had our very glorious days, talking about the fame that comes with being academic bebelebos as well as musical bebelebes. Hehehe, I remember the days of LDC mock news, I remember when girls used to write love letters to us, *omo, we dey hot sha, hot plate on point* I remembered when we played football and no one would chose me cos I be short 1 according to them.

I remember I was such a bad dancer that even for audition for cultural dance, I nor dey qualify.

 

I remembered secondary presented all the fun we could afford and for me, there was really nothing to worry about, I saw the life as one to be lived with ease, I took very little notice of girls including the ones that were willing to go through heaven and hell for me,

 

Yea I took very little notice of girls until we were about to write our final senior school certificate examination and the amazing 'Mz Cherry' came along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE SIX

 

Genesis 2 vs 18: And the Lord God said, it’s not good that the man should be alone.

I guess that was the same thing that happened before Mz Cherry came along. I guess the heavens had beheld how lonely I was and had decided to send me a help meet.

Ok, firstly let me correct an impression, I earlier stated that I took little notice of girls right? Omo, that one na big lie. I took very huge notice of girls especially the special ones, by special, I simply mean those who were created on a Sunday, the ones that God actually spent time designing.

So the truth was that I took huge notice of special girls but what I lacked was the courage to go out to them, in colloquial English, I nor get mind.

 

So here I was in S.S.3, girlfriendless but totally male friend full, trying hard to concentrate on the forthcoming senior school certificate examinations and nature decided to unbalance my natural ophostery by bringing Mz Cherry to my school.

The first time I saw Mz Cherry, She had come to enrol for the Senior School Certificate examination in my school. She had also come with her twin brother, I remembered it was during break period and somehow my 7th sense had inspired me to look out of my class window, 22degreees to the east, towards my Principal's Office and that was when I beheld Mz Cherry and her twin brother D Chero for the first time.

 

Oh My God!!! Was that a human being? I very well remember the words that rushed out of my heart that day 'O pogeny, miraculous, santaculous, betaculous, what an amalgamation of beauty and splendour'

I must confess, Mz cherry was indeed a beauty to behold, her charm crisscrossed the 19th kingdom of the ihemeres, like an old Mercedes 200, she was balanced, her total framework made me visualize the pearly gates of Avalon. God! Was she endowed? Remixing D Banj's 'endowed' I would say 'She's the type of lady that your favourite angel would like to be' I was still gazing at this awesome materialisation of God's creative ability when my friend Osa interrupted my visionary experience, he was like 'Emma, wetin you dey look, wey you......' but that was as far as he could go, he never finished his sentence, I looked back at him to observe A transfixed Osa, he was staring and totally speechless, he had also being enchanted by this 8th wonder of the world. I don't quite remember how I survived the remaining part of school hours after she had left, neither do I remember how I had survived the remaining part of the day at home but the only blessing I could never forget was that the next morning, Mz Cherry resumed school with us and God so divinely orchestrated it that she was in my class (science class) and her twin brother D' Chero was in the Arts class. hehehehe, let the celebration of the festival begin...

Meanwhile, do I still need to describe Mz Cherry to you?

Ok, just a little insight, so you would understand why my heartbeat always quickened at the sight of her. She was pretty, like very pretty facially, She had this carriage and confidence in herself, you know the way you act when you know you are really beautiful, her gait was 2nd to none, when she walked, I guess even our male Teachers had difficulties concentrating, the way she swayed her hips inspired Sisqo's thong song. Truth was anytime I saw her walking, Sisqo's thong song always played in my head. When she smiled, there was peace on earth and goodwill to all men, her laughter was sweet, talking about sweet laughter, but the most extraordinary feature she had was her anterior and posterior formations. Gosh! Mz Cherry was overly endowed. The type that inspired Troy to become a Greek warrior.

The lyrics of 2face's Omotoshan kept bombarding my heart. 'This kind of girl I cannot secretly admire, got to step up to her and tell her she's my desire'

But then my number one weakness stood before me just like the red sea stood before Moses and the Israelites, 'I didn't have the heart' all I could do was admire from a distance and go home regretting every day that I didn't have what it took to walk up to Mz. Cherry and even strike a conversation.

 

After about three days of endless observation from a distance and dying in silence, I decided to gather courage and at least say something to her, but this was after my team of friends had given me extra mural classes times without number on just how to approach the girl of my dream and make her the girl of my reality.

I remember that Monday morning, I had so washed my uniform that the original cream coloured sleeve now seemed like white, I had brushed three times that morning, My school shoes had being polished by shoemakers the day before. I had spent the whole night studying various love quotes from the almighty Shakespeare. Indeed I wasn't going to leave anything to chance, they say first impression mattered but I was going to make sure this first impression didn't only matter, it was going to Martha and Mary.

 

It was immediately after the assembly bell rung, I watched her as she took her seat, I was going to strike while the iron was hot, I rehearsed my opening speech once again and walked towards her, her back was turned towards me and she was trying to get her books from her bag when I tapped her.

 

**** She turned towards me and when she saw me, the smile spread fully across her face as she stared surprisingly at me, I returned the smile as I spoke with great confidence 'your beauty transcends the heavens and undermines the beauties of the stars, be my chosen one and I will postpone my death' She was absolutely blown away as the smile on her face widened, she hugged me so close as she whispered into my ears 'I thought you would never ask'. ***

 

Hehehehe.... for my dreams abi? Yea, that was the fantasy I had, like Samuel L Jackson would say 'who dash monkey banana?' If wishes were horses, GEJ would still be the president.

 

Anyway back to reality. I walked towards her, she was backing me and trying to get her books from her bag when I tapped her, she turned and stared at me, there was absolutely no kind of emotion on her face, she wasn't smiling or frowning, she just stared at me with indifference, at that single instance of her 'lookery' I totally forgot all the lines I had worked so hard to prepare, I guess she would have being looking at me for a rather long time before I heard myself say 'do you have two pens?'

Did I just say that? I knew how awkward my voice had sounded when I said that, my voice was practically shaking but I think it had an effect on her because her face broke into a smile as she pointed at my breast pocket, 'you already have more than one pen' I looked down at my breast pocket and saw two pen heads peeping out of the pocket, 'oh' I said, 'I really didn't check on that before' she smiled broadly again and said 'are you sure you really wanted to ask for a pen?' I smiled back this time and scratched my head in a funny way, before I could think of something to say, Our Physics Teacher walked into the class and I whispered to her 'talk to you later' and she smiled and whispered too 'okay' as I went back to my seat.  The joy in my heart was the kind the bible talked about when it said 'with joy shall ye draw waters out of the well of salvation'

That was the beginning of a great emotional experience for me, even though I was friend zoned in the long run and didn't have a relationship throughout secondary school, my long wait paid up eventually after secondary school as the amazingly endowed Mz Cherry became my first LOVE after my secondary school days.

 

BACK TO THE MIDDLE

'Hey! What are you staring at?' I was jolted back to reality by the pretty ebony waitress that had attended to Favor and I. I had being so lost in thoughts about how I had met Mz Cherry that I didn't even notice she had been standing in front of me, I smiled at her in response, she returned the smile as she cleared the table and cat walked away.

 

I looked at my wristwatch, I had been here for over one hour since Favor left Kada plaza, She had broken my heart point blank and didn't even give a damn - meanwhile I couldn't help remembering I had only two hundred naira in my wallet, I had left home with a little above four thousand naira in the hope that I wouldn't even spend above two thousand naira, Favor chop my money, break my heart - there is God o.

 

I walked out of Kada Plaza, brooding on how to find my way home with two hundred naira considering the distance, I had just graduated from the university and hadn't gone for NYSC then, so funds were rather low, I was so engrossed in thoughts, that I didn't see the big van coming, it almost hit me before I jumped out of the road, the driver didn't fail to throw insults at me 'bloody fool, if u wan die go die for house, idiot'

I didn't even care but as I looked up at the back of the van as it zoomed away, something strange caught my eyes, I had last seen these letters in a trance, when I had just finished hundred level.

I saw the acronym R, D, P and beneath it was written Recognise, Develop and Promote.

PAGE SEVEN

 

Somehow I managed to find my way home that day, but sure after trekking very long distances.

Two major experiences had occurred in my life that day, Firstly was the fact that Favor had just updated my heartbreak list from twenty five to twenty six and secondly and most importantly was the fact that the mission I had received in a trance from the grandmaster, the same mission I had totally forgotten about had just returned with a bang and this time it was clearer than it had been the first time. Now I didn't just have acronyms, I had words to match the acronyms. Recognise, Develop and Promote.

I was still in the dark regarding how to go about my mission until I attended a particular event.

It was a very normal event, a very normal church program, a friend had invited me to the event, and there was a beehive of activities, special presentations from different groups, ministrations, games, refreshments and a whole lot of entertaining and life changing activities.

Like I mentioned before, it was a normal event, but something abnormal happened to me, at a certain stage of the program, I had the 'AHA experience' My earthly body remained in the program but my spirit was catapulted to a different realm and for the first time, I really understood what my mission was, when my spirit returned back to Earth, I knew my mission, that particular activity in the program had made it clear to me, I knew the mission now but fulfilling the mission was the next big thing. How was I going to go about this???

 

'Find your team and fulfil your task' those were the exact words of the grandmaster from the trance I had, I knew I had to find my team and just as Jesus found his twelve disciples I opened up the profile of those that were to form my team if I was going to fulfil this task that I had been given. join me as we take a ride into the profiles of my A team..

 

MEET IFE AKA MR PRODUCER

Ife my paddy, was my day 1 paddy, we became friends back in the days of Children department in Church, where our uncles usually threatened us with stripping us naked as punishments or hanging us on the roof, hehehehe. Uncle Ehrumwunse my man.

Ife was short, fair and handsome as opposed to many ladies' dreams of tall, dark and handsome, but even though he was only about 2feets, 2 inches, more like 2 rulers in height, he still managed to thrill the ladies cos he was musically gifted and back in children department, his elder sister was the choir mistress so she would always allow him take all the solos and raps, omo, I swear nor be today family sentimentality start o.

We attended the same secondary school and he was a part of my A team in secondary school.. We regarded him as the V in VEDIA, He was a great drummer as well as a vocalist, He was a major lead singer in the then amazing VEDIA crew, although na chairman for copying people's song. He contributed to the glory days I told you about while we were in school, but I would never forget the day he received a blinding slap from one of the fair girls we nicknamed three witches.

Oh My God, Cynthia slapped my guy Ife and six fingers showed on his face. No jokes men, six fingers!!! He had to be taken to the drycleaner and his face was washed with bleach for seven days before he recovered his natural complexion.

So, Ife was a part of my A-team and he was sure going to be a part of my team on this mission.

 

MEET AZE AKA PROFESSOR OF LIFE

Aze was the kind of paddy I would like to refer to as bestie back in secondary school days, Our friendship dated back to the early children department days too, when he and some other member of his crew dey beef me from a distance cos I was just too handsome and all the ladies dey scream my name like rooftop mcs. Forget sha! I dey sing and I fine dye. What else would a lady want in a guy? (Lolz, that one na that year o, dis time without money, if you like be Brad Pitt, you are just a loser... who fine boy don help?)

Aze was tall, dark and handsome - yea, the type ladies want but he really never had the ladies sha. He also contributed to our glory days in secondary school, a scholar or the type we would call Know booker. He was also a good singer and we referred to him as the A in VEDIA.

Hehehehe, everyone has their dark moments in life, Aze also had his, I remember a certain day where he had an argument with an obviously older class mate and before we knew it, our dear Aze received three slaps in quick succession, We all held our breath expecting a bloody retaliation but Omo the next thing wey we hear na the tearful voice of Aze 'Is it not because you can beat me, that's why you are beating me' lolz. nor be small laugh that day, we still tease him with that till this day.

It was this same Aze that fell in love with one of the three witches, we come get carry our guy go mountain of fire for 365 days deliverance o, it wasn't a small something my dear.

So, Aze being a member of my A team, was sure going to be a part of my team as I embarked on this mission.

 

MEET EGU AKA MR LYRICIST

EGU my guy, fattest of us all, rumour has it that EGU eats three drums of rice when he's not hungry, so we do wonder what he eats when he is. We referred to him as the D in VEDIA. Born lyricist and Rapper, Back in our glory days he took most of the raps and the ladies screamed his name more often than not. He was a leader by rights, one time West Life Crew President, Awilo President, King of the farm aka Babugbo and Executioner for the then Junior Writer Series.

Hehehehe, whenever I watch a Michael Jackson Clip, I remember our dear Egu. He would never be forgotten as the great dancer of the famous Michael Jackson's backslide.

It was a very warm afternoon, We were having our normal rehearsals for a particular makossa presentation we were meant to present for a school program and a very big bully decided to disturb us,

Back in secondary school, the fear of a bully was the beginning of wisdom, so when they decided to bully, we always ignored.. But on this very day, my dear Friend EGU decided to be a hero. lolz, if only he saw what was coming, he would have decided to be a zero rather than a hero. On this particular day, Julius Caesar’s quote became real to us all 'the monkey that tries to see the hunter clearly, collect the bullet in his eyes'

We were busy rehearsing and this big bully came and started throwing pieces of chalk at everyone, he stone me o, I laugh, he stone every other person, them laugh too, but he stone my guy Egu, the next thing wey we see na Egu open e mouth tell this Bully say 'Stop fooling your old age;

Gbagaun!!! The words ring for our ears, na something like this Psquare see wey make them sing 'OSETIGO'

The Bully paused and asked Egu, 'na me you dey talk to' all of us expect Egu to correct he self but my guy nor hear o, he continued 'Yes, wetin you fit do' when the Bully began to advance towards Egu, we know say e don set, ** you know that kind setting when your guy dey get belief in you so he go come dey get mind they attempt the inevitable, OMG, all of us wey be Egu guys sufri throway eye like Bello begin look outside window, hmm from my own view, the school trees began to appear more beautiful, omo as I turn back face the scene, nor be small slaps n blow my guy Egu don dey receive o, next thing wey I see, na my guy dey dance daddy showkey abi na backslide, but our Bully don over pound my guy sotey my guy leg nor fit stable again, the Michael Jackson backslide wey he dance that day nor be small thing, and after that day, my guy turn Christian o, if you do am anything after then, he go say 'God bless You'

Lolz, Egu was my real guy, I sure was gong to need him in my team if I was going to fulfil this task.

 

MEET OMO AKA BROTHER CHARLES PIKIN

I would like to refer to Omo as my day zero brother, we were friends from when I couldn't even remember, all those years wey mama dey warn children make dem nor eat for person house, I and this my guy were busy breaking all mama's rules.

Omo was a natural fine boy, but the guy chest flat sha, we nor dey know the difference between e chest and he back cos both of them flat accordingly, no undulations or hills, only the valleys that refused to be exalted.

Omo was the perfect ladies' man, but he was always friend zoned, talking about spending the money on campaigns but another man dey enjoy the dividends of democracy, this my guy spend he school fees for woman three consecutive times, he was a woman lover, sacrificial loving, true disciple of Jesus.

Lolz, talking about his dark days, plenty people beat Omo sha, I remember when I beat am too using my famous hijit mi thuruhuki style. But I think the high point was his encounter with Aze, the famous battle of waterloo, that occurred between my guy Aze the conqueror and Omo the aspirant.

Lolz, this was one battle Omo would never forget in a hurry. it was supposed to be an harmless question and answer segment, but that 'answer' changed the course of his life forever.

 

PAGE EIGHT

 

Back in secondary school, We prided ourselves in insulting ourselves, most times the insults even escalated and involved some people insulting one another's parents, it was during these periods that we crowned some people, 'RIC' meaning Raw insults Champions.. People like Rukevwe, Osaro and my friend EGU were kings in these aspects.

We always laughed over it and we rather saw it as a tease rather than take it seriously.

This day was one of such days, we, I mean I and my team had teamed up against a particular classmate, we nicknamed him Tsoede of Edegi after one of our history classes. We had so teased him till he was almost crying and thus weren't expecting his word attack when it came. He sized all of us and looked hard at my friend Aze and with a very overpowering emotion he teased Aze and called him a 'DOG'

 

It was a rather unprecedented outburst from the one we had nicknamed Tsoede, I looked over my shoulders at my friend Omo and asked him mockingly 'the mother of a dog is a what?'

He couldn't hold his laughter as he replied 'B***H''

My guy, nor be small beating, Omo receive that day o, naso Aze rush Omo with slap and blow and kick, my God I swear it was like a wrestling match between the Rock and Agbakpan olita. It was like a battle of the ant and the elephant, I swear when Aze finish with Omo, e b like person wey just come out for bathroom, e sweat dat day fit full one bucket. Till this day, whenever I want to mock Omo, I simply ask him 'the mother of a dog is a what?'

Hehehehe, before then, Omo had intentions of becoming an English Professor, but after what Aze did to him that day because he had simply answered an English question, my guy nor come like English again o, He come like maths with all he life en, to the extent that he eventually became a graduate of mechanical Engineering..

Hehehe. But then to fulfil my task, my Friend Omo had to make that team too.

 

MEET OSA AKA MR ADOBE

If there was any dude that carried this air of over fine boy around everywhere he went, it was my day 1 friend, OSA.

Osa, Just like me, was tall, dark and handsome, athletic built and potential ladies’ man.

(Winks, the first thing girls always said to him was 'you are handsome' but they always friend zoned him at the end. News Flash, My first love Mz Cherry originally liked Osa before me, but na me win the election in the end.  hehehehe..)

We had many things in common and for most part of our senior secondary school days he was more like my sidekick. We both liked ladies but we both didn't have the courage to walk up to them. Osa always had this quality of playing Mr Nice guy so that your girlfriend go dey like am, lolz, nazo Osa almost thief one of my big admirers back in J.S.S 3, Talking about Project stealing Shola, but I warn am o, the fear of my Hijit Mi Thuruhuki style was the beginning of wisdom. Hmm, Shola, My Official first female bestie.

Anyway, still on Osa, He was also a great know booker, just like me he loved to reason abstract and he was a major fan of cartoon series, Osa nor gree let me see road for Samuraix that year.. He inspired my language choice in page 1 when I used the words chiakra and jujutsu, I still love to refer to him as Osakhare Hiyamoto Nakamura.

Osa also had his dark days you know, lolz, Osa decided to be brave on one fateful day but he chose the wrong person to test his bravery on, Osa forgot the 3rd rule of combat 'Choose your adversary wisely'

Aze had fast become a bully in S.S.3 and Osa chose Aze of all people to exercise his bravery on. Hehehe, the result of that terrible mistake, is the reason why tortoise has a bald head and cracked back till this day.

Aze was always fond of hitting people on the head and laughing over it, that was a common thing with most bullies then, On this day, Aze had hit Osa rather playfully on the head and laughed over it and had gone back to his seat, immediately he did that, a teacher walked into the class, Nobody knows what came upon Osa that morning, it might have been the same spirit that came upon Samson when he pulled out the gates of Gaza and carried it away with him. Osa stood up from his seat in rage, ignoring the fact that a teacher had come to the class already, he went up to Aze and landed him three hot slaps on the head with the precision of a true disciple of the Zumotsu Zubairu.

I swear, the slap enter, even our teacher looked back quickly and wondered what was up, but when he saw the fury in Osa's eyes, he picked the better option of ignoring before Osa go tidy am join the matter.

We were all surprised cos Aze just pin down like say nothing happen, it was about 30minutes later that the teacher left the class, we had even forgotten what happened earlier, Osa was busy trying to make my own Mz Cherry laugh at one of his dry jokes when Aze accosted him and landed him a rather overpowering and blinding slap. Omo, I swear even me wey dem nor slap I see the sun, the moon and eleven stars.

Omo, the matter be like film, as Aze slap Osa, the next thing wey we see na Osa head on top table, Osa begin count from one to ten, Shuu.. what has Aze done to Osa, he use jazz, abi na 'slap and turn mumu' jazz he use for Osa?

The whole class watched Osa as he counted from one to ten, only for him to count to ten, jump up from his seat, we were all expecting him to attack Aze and DIE because Osa was officially one of the weakest boy in the whole school, he stopped right in front of Aze and blurted out tearfully 'Aze na your mama you slap'

What!!!

I still don't understand what happened there till this day, did Aze really slap Osa with Jazz? Was it the kind of Jazz we call 'slap and confuse?' I knew about some jazz like 'slap and fall', 'slap and see darkness' but this one en, I swear na new jazz o.

How person go slap you, you come dey lie say na him mama he slap? gosh, it was funny, the whole class burst into laughter, even Aze wey be don ready to give Osa total smack down and babality, nor fit hold the laughter.

hehehehehe, since that day en, we nickname my guy Osa as 'Slap and confuse'

But Aze sha, he too like fight that year sha, he nor get who e nor fight for secondary school, the day wey he hit me too, wey I suppose get am down with my Hijit Mi Thuruhuki, na God save e life as my inner spirit tell my outer spirit say make I nor fight, say I b God pikin.

Hehehehe, still on still, Osa was my real real padi, I needed him on this mission too.

 

MEET OMUREN AKA MR DIRECTOR

Anybody wey see me talk say I black go change he mind set when he see my guy Omuren. This guy black sotey once sun nor dey na only e eye we dey see, even he eye wan still black join sef, and he teeth fit black too depending on his mood.

Lolz, Omuren, my real real guy, my home padi, we didn't attend same school, we practically grew up together in the ghetto of Owegie street, Omo, see name of street, why Nigeria go better?

Tall, Dark and ..... I would leave that dash for my opponents to fill, Omo, this my guy fat sha, he and Egu, we nor come know who fat pass, he was a black version of the famous wrestler Rikishi. We don run many s***s together, back in the days in GFA, we don run drama things together, music things too, lolz, the days of FOC with another of my guy Babuwa.

Omo, I dey believe in this my guy hugeness, until he show me say grabist na water, abandon me for one quest like that.

It was one of those scripture Union camps, we all attended the camp, by We I mean my family, Omuren my guy and the other of my guy Babuwa. My younger brother was left in my care and when we arrived at the camp ground, he settled in one of the hostels that wasn't far away from mine. By that time I guess I was just beginning to attend karate classes, so my Hijit Mi Thuruhuki Style never too strong like that.

It was during siesta period immediately after lunch, naim my younger brother rush enter my hostel with tears for he eyes say person slap am for e hostel..

What!!!

This was totally unacceptable, no one touches my younger brother and get away with it, for this town, they would know why they nicknamed me Capt. Barbossa in secondary school. I marched behind my brother as he led me to the hostel of the boy that had slapped him, I barged into the hostel, my guy Omuren was beside me, as I entered the hostel, the first person wey I see, I swear, the muscles on his body were like heavy ropes around his skin, I immediately enter prayer mode for my mind 'father in heaven, please take this cup away from me, but nevertheless let ur will be done' My younger brother nor even get conscience, naso he begin point this bag of muscles, say 'this is the boy that slapped me' I dey try code am with my eye but this my brother nor gree hear sign language, my guy Omuren don form phone call comot inside the hostel leave me to my fate,

As the boy see say na me dem go call for am, naim he stand up look me ask me 'so na your brother be this? Omo I swear I nor know when the words fall out from my mouth o 'no, na my church member, I don dey warn am since say make e nor dey let e face dey go jam people hand e nor dey hear word, bros abeg nor vex, I just come tell you sorry, say make you nor vex, naso he face dey do'

Omo, I read total disappointment for my younger brother eye, I bone e, as I drag he hand follow me comot for the hostel, who wan die? Abeg I never reach to die, as I carry am come out of the hostel I waka fast fast before the grabist boy go come change e mind call me back. As I reach outside, I see my guy Omuren don waka go far go chill under mango tree dey form e dey make call, firstly, I warned my younger brother, to avoid trouble o, for his sake and my sake, told him to go back and apologize to bag of muscles, as e wan protest, naim I give am the senior brother look, omo, e nor get choice again, he went into the hostel to do that.

I walked towards my guy Omuren, as he saw me coming, he began to walk towards me forming activity 'wey the guy, I say wey the guy, make we bam am here, make I fall that guy' I just stand look Omuren, he be like say make I use slap take tire am, We didn't know the guy came out of the hostel and was watching us, as Omuren was acting his movie, the next voice we heard was from behind us 'So you wan fall me abi?' Omo, as we turn back, see Mr Muscles for our back. hehehehe, nor b small Olympics we do.

Talking about Flash. nazo we take reach our hostel that day, I never knew fat people could run like that, OMG! Omuren should be a state runner, I ran with all my strength but as I bash into the hostel I was shocked to see Omuren on the bed panting heavily, Shuu, this boy na winch o, he could have given Usain Bolt a race for his money. From that day, I understood very well the quote of the Pharaoh that knew not Joseph 'Everyman for himself, God for us all'

 

Hehehehe, even though Omuren fall my hand sha, he was still my real real padi, I sure was going to need him on this mission.

 

And so I had made up my mind on those that would form my team for the mission I had been given, I had drawn my plans also, I had intentions of breaking the news to them and selling the mission to them immediately I returned from a certain journey to Ondo state.

I had left home that morning with lots of safe journey wishes from my friends and family, If only I had foreseen the outcome of this particular journey, maybe I wouldn't have embarked on the journey in the first place.

I took a very normal route, though I didn't go to the park as a friend had suggested to me that along the route buses were quite cheaper, true to their words it was cheaper, a whopping 500 naira difference, it was a mini bus, we were about five guys and two ladies in the bus, I was the last to enter the bus, along the Benin Akure road, Everything seemed normal to me and I felt there was no cause for alarm.

I usually slept during most of my journeys and so it was quite normal for me to fall asleep also, I guess the only thing I would have noted as abnormal was when they had diverted from the Akure route to another route entirely but I was too asleep to have noticed that, when I eventually opened my eyes, it was too late for me to turn back the hands of time

PAGE NINE

 

Grand Master was standing on the altar again, we were still in the dojo, but this time, I was alone in the dojo. I looked round but couldn't find my kungfu compadres.

I looked back at Grand master, He was smiling, he brought out another scroll from within his robe and handed it over to me, I stood up from my akimbo position and received it from him with bowed head, I opened the scroll slowly and only one word was written boldly on the scroll in red ink. On the scroll was written 'SHIFU'

I looked up at grand master in confusion, he looked down at me from the altar, shook his head like one who was in pains and spoke

'Your task is threaded with thorns, only a true Shifu would succeed, Now you have found your team, fulfil your task, I now ordain you SHIFU!!!

Then almost immediately the whole dojo was covered in sounds of thunder, and I could hear little voices and big voices screaming 'Shifu! Shifu!! Shifu!!!’ I covered my ears with my hands and shut my eyes tight as the dojo suddenly became dark and it suddenly seemed as though the end of the world had come.

 

When I opened my eyes eventually, it was still dark, but I was in no dojo, I was inside a bus and the bus was in a dark environment from what I could immediately understand at first glance. I tried to move, only then did I discover that my hands and feet were bound too, I tried to scream but my mouth was gagged too, only muffled sounds came out, I tried to turn my head as much as the little space around me would permit and I saw there were about three others suffering the same fate as I was, the two ladies and another young man. I and one of the ladies were tied on the seat immediately behind the driver's seat, the two other captives were tied on the back seat.

It suddenly became clear to me, the bus we had entered was a wrong bus and only God knows what they had done to us that made us sleep so much that we had been conveniently tied and taken to this forest without our knowledge.

I suddenly remembered the words of the Grand master, 'your task is threaded with thorns and only a true Shifu would succeed'

Was this the thorns, he had mentioned? Or was this just me taking a harmless dream seriously? What if this was some kind of prank? Oh they might as well be trying to prank us and there had to be a hidden camera somewhere.

The bus opened almost immediately as it brought me back to real life settings, two heavily built stout men entered the bus and pulled the lady that was beside me out of the bus, she tried to scream but her mouth was gagged too, they pulled her and carried her out quickly and effortlessly, like she was a piece of doll, they left the door opened and I readjusted so I could have a view of my immediate surroundings, it was rather very dark outside the bus I could only see the rays of light coming from a dimly lit hut, that wasn't far away from the bus, the two men carried the girl into the hut, it was only when they were within glares of the light that I saw they both wore red knickers, their chests were bare and there were palm fronds tied around their waists and necks.

It suddenly became clear to me, this wasn’t a prank, this was real life and most certainly these were ritual killers. For a paltry five hundred naira difference in price, I had entered one chance. *this was the perfect definition of Ogo Ogolo, Aba e Mie Mon Na Na*

 

           ***********************

I immediately recalled the words of the grand master 'I now ordain you Shifu' I still couldn't understand where it came from but I suddenly felt an unusual calm, I was a hundred percent certain that I would get out of this alive.

I switched on 'Karate Mode' I attended karate classes for a little part of my secondary school days and a major part of my University days, infact even if I did not attend karate classes, I had watched so many karate movies that I was quite sure I could take on this people and uncover an escape route.

I immediately switched to karate mode *one very important rule of combat, understand your environment and use it to your advantage*

I studied the bus in the best way I could, it was rather dark inside, I could only make out shapes, including the shapes of the other two captives that remained in the bus. In the darkness, I tried to feel the kind of rope that bound my legs, to my excitement, it was PVC cables, obviously they were in such a hurry and didn't bother to get good ropes, every true disciple of the zumotsu Zubairu knew that PVC cable could never withstand stress for long, by the way, who PVC don help? Who ever thought up such an idea? Binding people with PVC cables? Their master must have been a NEPA staff.

In our preliminary karate classes, we even practised breaking twine bonds talk more of PVC cables. With minimum effort, I got my hands and legs free and removed the useless piece of rag from my mouth. My mouth tasted sore, I guessed I had been gagged for quite a while.

I had intentions of freeing the other two captives but just then, I caught a glimpse of the two men returning back to the bus, immediately I saw them coming, I assumed my original captive position and waited patiently. *another rule of combat, patience is key*

 

The unsuspecting men got to the bus, the first one entered inside to grab me, as he stretched his hands to grab my legs, I swear, he didn't see it coming.

The last time I used the powerful kick 'MIGAYREE' was way back in secondary school, where I almost condemned Osarobo's rib cage for hitting me without provocation. This time, my MIGAYREE was much stronger and my increased knowledge of karate and physical combat had even made it more deadly. My right leg shot out powerfully from inside the darkness, it was a timely and perfectly executed kick, the kick caught him somewhere around the neck region, I didn't see it but I knew it because his deep groan of pain showed it, he fell backwards outside the bus, I immediately rushed out after him before the other man could get in.

The other man was taken unawares too, He didn't half expect the confrontation, I got out of the bus and quickly took a fight stance, I had only one intention in mind, hit him at a disadvantaged position and make a run for my life.

The Man was indeed very muscular, much more muscular than the other man that I had managed to hurt, He immediately took a fighting stance too, by all standards he looked like a professional Boxer, It was a little brighter outside the bus, the rays of light still appeared dimly from the hut and lightened up the surrounding a little, I quickly scanned my surrounding in seconds to pick the best escape route, to my disappointment, right behind me was a rather steep slope, we were on top of a hill, the slope below looked like a mini forest and was covered with what seemed like trees from the little view I could get from the dim lights, behind the Man, just a little away from the hut was a small pathway, I guess that's how the bus had come here, all I needed to do was crack his ribs and get away before he and his second that was still groaning in pain would recover. I didn't even care if anyone was in the hut, all that mattered to me at that moment was conquering these two men of which one was already down.

I moved too fast for him, like his companion, he didn't see it coming, the punch was well calculated and was bursting with so much energy, his attempt to block the punch was a few seconds too late cos as he made to block the punch, I side stepped to the right and delivered the ribs crushing punch to his left side just a little above his stomach.

 

Yipee!!! Victory for me, I felt like Sanasuki Sigara when he delivered that bone crushing Punch to the face of the one eyed monster. The way I had delivered that punch, I was quite sure my sensei would be proud of me, he always told me I was a Hero with kicks but my punches could never win a title. If only he had seen me the way I had just counter attacked this man's defence, I was very sure he would be proud of me.

 

What!!!!

 

This wasn't happening, I looked again at my adversary, I expected him to double over and fall in pain, that was the perfect reaction to that kind of punch but I was shocked as he sucked in the punch like it came from a female and smiled. I was so lost for words that I didn't see his right hands as it turned into a fist, the last I could remember was the bone crushing upper cut that connected with my jaw.

The force of impact took me off the ground and as I fell backwards, I knew I had lost the fight and the battle, that upper cut had taken out the last fight in me, before my body eventually touched the ground, I was zero percent certain of getting out of this alive *this was indeed murder in cold blood*

 

 

 

 

PAGE TEN

 

You know what they say, that your whole life flashes before your eyes just before you hit heaven's gates as the case would be for me or hell's gates as the case may be for some unrepentant readers out there.

That was exactly what happened at the point of impact of the uppercut from the 'Man wey nor get joy' that is the name I chose to call him till this day. At that instant of transition to the other world, a certain fond memory found its way to my head, it was the memory of the one who had won the title of my first true love, her face was wearing the same sad look it had worn when it had become unequivocally transparent that we couldn't be together anymore..

At that instant of transition to the land beyond beyond and to the world past hope and fear, I saw the lovely face of my first true love, the one I had nick named 'Mon Amie'

 

Let me tell you about Mon Amie!!

 

I guess we all know that fat chubby baby faced dude they call 'CUPID', the one that goes about with a bow and arrow? That was the dude that shot me, he poisoned the arrow with love for Mon Amie and shot my heart.

It was after secondary school, the feelings bore roots before I got into the University, and sorry I meant 'THE UNIVERSITY' No one writes the great UNIBEN in lower case letters.

We both had a common point of intersection and a week wouldn't go by without our paths intersecting diagonally for a spiritual purpose. I simply mean I had to see her every Sunday cos we worshipped in the same church. 'House on the sand international gospelized ministries'

She was in the choir and I guess it was the love for her that made me fully animate my music talent.

All the same, Cupid shot me at a time I least expected it, I had barely recovered from the shock of losing Mz Cherry, when Cupid shot its arrow.

Mon Amie was my friend and that was all that quite existed between us, it was until Cupid shot its arrows that I began to discover her outstanding qualities for the first time.

Mon Amie was indeed something to behold, how come I never saw that before? They say 'Love is blind' but in this case, love opened my eyes.

She was tall, fair and beautiful, what do guys call that? TFB right? She wasn't just beautiful, she was outstanding. She had a very lovely three shaded hair, had the kind of physique that makes papa Ajasco say 'Ojibi jibi', her gait was second to none, every time she swayed her hips, she aroused suppressed feelings in me.

Her eyes glowed in the dark, I suspect she is the Nigerian version of cat woman, her voice was distinct and heart elevating, and when she smiled, the whole world smiled with her, and she had this perfect listener quality and could encourage you to the extent that you start feeling like Thor. She could sing, gosh, she was too many in one.

 

It began with my inability to concentrate anymore, remember, it was before I got into THE UNIVERSITY, and so, I really didn't do much apart from private lectures, so in other news I spent a whole lot of my time thinking about her.

 

I found myself always fast forwarding the week days in my mind, I wanted every other day to be a Sunday cos that was the only time I could see her. She was indeed a very special person and I wanted her to be my customised friend but then that stumbling block came again and again and again. 'Emmy Blinks nor get mind to talk to girl ooooooo'

And you know what happens to guys like us right? We end up being friend zoned, girls begin to tell you things like 'you have being a very good friend and brother to me.

Anyway, in this case, I never had the boldness but when you really want something badly, you go gather the mind my guy, I do remember the first time I mentioned to her that I had a dream of us getting married, she warn me o, o boy, that warning nor be here o, she turn princess morgana sharp sharp, I gat's retrace my step sharp sharp, undream the dream o.

 

But my God who never sleeps nor slumber would never let me down!

And indeed, God did it for me, when I least expected it, Cupid shot her too and the conclusion of the whole matter is that we bonded.

Electrovalent bonding, which was what it was, we were like Robinson Crusoe and his Man Friday, we were like Aki and Pawpaw, we were like Bread and Egg.

She meant so much to me, a large part of my developmental creativity stages could be attributed to her love and care, and she absolutely brought out the best in me. My poetic amalgamations boomed when I thought about her, majority of the official first things I did were with her, first date, first classical love song, first poetic rendition, first classical story. When I say she was my first true love, I know what I mean.

We were perfect and ideal for each other until a certain theory was founded.

Till today, that theory has no backing and I guess when I eventually become a lawyer in my next life I would dedicate my first year of practice to fighting that theory.

Ok, like I said, there was a theory, My Mum believed in it, her mum believed in it also and that was how Parents put asunder in what someone had already joined together. This matter join wetin make me faint one time for Practical Lab, the one I mentioned before when I first had the trance.

I remember when we had to go our separate ways, to me, it was heartbreak, though it wasn't the fault of any of us, I still count that as my biggest heartbreak, it ranks number two most deadly in the heartbreak chart.

 

I could never forget the sadness that was written on her face that day, and here I was in the middle of nowhere, receiving upper cut from a Man with no joy and seeing her sad face again, probably the last face I was going to see before I eventually catapulted to the next realm.

 

My body hit the floor with a mighty thud as I fell just a few feet away from my assailant. The uppercut had hurt like hell, I suspected I had a broken jaw, as I lay on the ground groaning in pain, He reached for his side and when his hand showed up he was holding a pistol, He pointed it at me and just before he could pull the trigger I rolled over backwards, it was more of impulse rather than choice.

 

I had already rolled over before I recalled that I had been lying just at the edge of the cliff, I was still in mid-air, falling to certain death, when I heard his terrified shout of 'No!!!'

It then dawned on me that he wasn't going to shoot me anyway, probably he wanted to scare me into submission. Who cared? I was going to die anyway, I would rather die trying to save myself than be used for ritual purposes, the deep forest or whatever it was that I was falling into didn't seem like what anyone could survive.

 

I didn't expect it when my body hit water, I guess it was a river that was down the cliff, I hit the water with a very great force and my body sank deep within, I didn't even know how to swim, I found myself drinking water and drowning helplessly, what a terrible way to die. I saw my mum's face, she was crying, that was the last vision I saw before my eyes closed finally, as I resigned myself to my fate.

*Death by drowning*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE ELEVEN

 

As I closed my eyes and anticipated death by drowning, I heard the knock on my room door, very loudly, it seemed the knock had being going on for some time because it was unusually very loud, I opened my eyes to discover that I had been dreaming and the knock on the door was meant to wake me up for devotion that morning.

So, the bus, the kidnappers and the 'Man wey nor get joy' was all a dream, I returned back to my original state, back to my room, I was meant to travel to Ondo state that day for my NYSC camping experience. I couldn't imagine how long I had been dreaming, I was even sweating, I smiled when I remembered the part where I had dreamt of Grandmaster calling me Shifu. I immediately loved the name and crowned myself Shifu.

I was going to serve my nation at last and I had every intention to sell my visions to my A-team when I returned from the Camping experience at Ikare-Akoko. Ondo state. So help me God!!!

There were two things that made going to camp quite difficult for me, firstly was the vision that we had to consolidate as quickly as possible and secondly was the fact that I was leaving her behind, the one I had nick named 'Avatar', she had the keys to my heart door at that point in my life. I had many misgivings about leaving her behind, somehow my sixth sense told me that I wouldn't come back to her the same way I was leaving her. My inner spirit told my outer spirit to abandon ship and fore go serving the country but my right brain took precedence over my left brain and so to avoid stories that tickle, I pushed on to Ondo state.

 

My three weeks NYSC camping experience opened my eyes to a whole lot of mysteries and fuelled the vision even greater than it had been before.

I probably perfected my table drumming skills in Ikare Akoko, I probably sharpened my facilitation skills in Ikare Akoko, I probably polished my yoruba speaking skills in Ikare Akoko but more importantly, at one of our boring seminars at camp, while I was probably dozing off in the spirit of boredom, the words came to me, unmistakably the voice of Grandmaster, it was another dream but I woke up with the words in my mouth 'Animate Your Passion'

 

To cut a long story short, before you could say Jack Robinson, before NYSC year had begun counting in earnest, the vision had being aroused amongst my A-Team.. Probably Grandmaster had spoken to them too, we had all aligned to the vision and the greatest minds that ever and would ever live were working at par to achieve one of the greatest task that would be achieved in the world. It was a project that was even greater than our own planet Earth could understand hence we decided to create our own PLANET.

 

Creating a Planet like the one we had in mind was no box of chocolates like my fellow naijarians would say 'nor be beans talk' Finding the A-Team to create the master mind was only the beginning, we had a whole lot more to do and in the spirit of recognising, developing and promoting, what better river to fish than to fall back to the legendary L.X.G.

 

Legends of an Xtraordinary Glory, that was where it had all begun, L.X.G had made its own name on the annals of the dance kingdom while it lasted and though it had become defunct, the great minds that once dwelt in that world were still alive and well, they were sure going to be the foundation if this Planet we were trying to build was ever going to stand.

 

We ultimately fell back to the true Legends of an Xtraordinary glory. The same legends who had caught the passion early in life and were totally animating it already. They were Kings and Queens of the dance hall in no ordinary way, totally gifted and talented to the bone marrow, our first task was to recognise the passion, and indeed these ones didn't just have the passion, the passion practically oozed out of every pore on their skin.

They constituted the building block on which we built, totally solid rock, but then we had to include all the other genres that would make the vision complete..

And indeed we didn't have to search for long, they had been there all along waiting to answer the call, we searched for and found them, totally gifted and passionate in the other genres of music, drama and comedy, what we had in our hands was a whole lot of amazing stars.

Now, We had them, now we were on course, all we needed to do was turn on the ignition, we took up the first fight, the very first task that would determine if we really knew what we were up against.

 

Our first task was one task we didn't envisage the outcome, true to Shifu's words 'the overall task was threaded with thorns, only a true Shifu would succeed. We embarked on a project, we called it 'Project AMADASUN' but indeed, we didn't see it coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAGE TWELVE

 

Back in primary school, I had a flair for writing fictions and short prose, I guess the first professional story I wrote was back in secondary school, Having received early inspirations from my elder brother in his unpublished award winning novel 'In The Line Of Suffering' I had gone ahead and created short novels like 'Karate Kid', 'Just Danger' and my first crime/action thriller 'Mirage'. Hence when I wrote the epic movie 'AMADASUN' I was absolutely positive that it would be an instant hit, infact Newton's first law was not applicable in this case, cos even without the influence of an external force, AMADASUN was a story that would not only change its state of rest but was bound to soar high and bring down the high heavens.

 

Two members of my A-Team where directly responsible for making this project work. I had little or no time for direct involvement as I was still actively involved in serving the country.

Omuren aka Mr. Director was a seasoned actor and movie director, reputable for winning local Oscar awards since he was a kid back in the days of G.F.A, playing the role of the Devil. A role which he played perfectly and it was very economical for the movie directors then as he never needed any make up for his roles, once he appeared on the stage, a simple look at him and you would hear the Audience whispering to one another, 'that is the Devil'. We had played many roles together including movie spoofs, such as when we produced and directed 'the story of Jesus' Spoof version, (full movie with only four casts) he had even gone ahead of me and done greater exploits in the movie kingdom. He had also earned the enviable title of Dr. Love. With a Man like Omuren on our set, Amadasun was already a great success that I was very sure of.

 

As if Omuren wasn't already more than capable of handling this mission, We also had my Guy Omo aka Brother Charles Pikin on this team. Omo had actually instigated my passion for creativity and out of the box thinking. Many years ago, I had always looked up to him and admired his passion for high levels of creativity on set. He had gone professional years before me and his ability to think abstract and interpret roles was something I really did envy. Omo was an Actor and director of no mean standards. Therefore with men like Omuren and Omo, We were as confident as a rock before a machete that Amadasun was a success - Boy, were we wrong??

 

After NYSC camp, I was posted to a place I would refer to as NLNW. Simply means No Light No Water.

Idanre Local Government Area, the land of the great cocoa bunkers, too much money but them nor know wetin dem wan use am do, more like that phrase 'money miss road' it was only in this land that you would see a Man riding a range rover 2015 limited edition, yet he had to go into the bush to defecate. Omo, e b like say there was a law against building toilets in that land o, One could count the total number of toilets in the land, I nor sure say e reach 5 toilets self. My lodge, 2 government buildings, one public toilet and NCCF corper's lodge.

 

Nigeria Christian Corpers Fellowship (NCCF) introduced me to very blessed experiences, I remember the days of dressing fully kitted into the bath room, and you had to wear your full NYSC ajuwaya outfit into the bathroom so that you will not cause your sister to sin. I remember the days of sim card fish as we called it then, hmmm, the days of 'no this is my own' where anyone can use your property, come see men they refuse to buy property that year for family house all in the name of my brother go get, the days of rural rugged evangelism, where we had to sometimes go into the deep jungles that reminded one of the ancient kukuvu islands that housed barbarians and cannibals, Hehehe.. It was more like taking the gospel to the ends of the earth, talking about Paul's fourth missionary journeys, hmmm, the days of NCCF family song. There was never a dull moment, with the likes of Psalmie Sparkles, Comedian and Joker of the federal republic and Marcus Aurelius, Conqueror of the arena.

 

Service year continued at Idanre Local Government meanwhile Project Amadasun was on full gear back in Benin City.

 

Plans and counter plans were set into motion, at a time, we had to fall back to our roots, where it had all began for us in movie works 'GFA' only for us to discover to our disappointment that those we once looked up to in the movie world back in the days were totally rusted and wouldn't even cross an audition if we auditioned them. That was quite a major setback especially for I and Omuren, we had built so much trust on these people that constituted our movie crew back in the days but indeed they had lost touch with their inner passions. That's what happens when you leave your talents untapped for a very long while.

 

The strive to make Amadasun a success took many routes and encountered many thorns, We involved great talents from the award winning BYD at the time, we employed the services of one of the greatest movie Directors all the way from Auchi, We auditioned great talents from all over the continent, even Paul Walker of blessed memory didn't miss the opportunity to audition, we had a great story line, we had a great cast, we had the help of some of the best Directors in the world, we made huge financial commitments, we were indeed good to go, we were ready to shoot, we already had our fliers out but as unexpected and unanticipated as it was, Project Amadasun hit the rocks. *tears*

 

When Project Amadasun hit the rocks, it took us a rather long while to get over the shock, we had given so much to it, why did it have to fail? It was at those points I began to wonder if we really wanted to undertake this task of 'Healing the world' and 'Making it a better place' using the altar of creative entertainment..

 

We were still contemplating our decision when my home boys EGU and Ife hit the studio and came out of it with their official first hit single 'Let It Go'

'Let It Go' was a song that not only inspired me, it gave me a reason to go on, EGU seemed like he had being motivated by Grandmaster himself to do that el classico. When I was at the verge of abandoning ship and fleeing the task, 'Let It Go' came along.

 

The determination was back, Planet Phenom had come to stay, we couldn't turn back now, no not now, 'Let It Go' brought again the needed determination and it officially heralded Ife's big leap into music production where he officially earned the name Mr Producer.

'Can't Stop Us Now' came up as a follow up to 'Let It Go', this time, it was Ife, EGU and Kizzy on this track, written, produced and directed by Mr Producer himself. When 'Can't Stop Us Now' came it only fuelled the determination and enthusiasm that 'Let It Go' had already built in our hearts.

We had learnt a great deal from Project Amadasun and despite the fall, we had uncovered more amazingly talented and passionate characters, Planet Phenom was ready for its next task and we had learnt to trust more on God than Masters in the field.

 

Four months into NYSC We were back on our feet, we were ready to balance the Planet Phenom galaxies and with all our hearts, we embarked on our next task, we were ready to officially show case to the world the heroes we had Recognised and Developed, it was time for the P. They had to be Promoted, we called this one GALACTIC BALANCE

 

The tag was inspired by Mr Adobe, Osa, and it came quite naturally to us, we had already created the galaxies in the planet. Music, Dance, Drama and Comedy, what we needed to do, was create a balance so that the Planet would never fall apart.

 

Galactic Balance had every hand on deck this time but a whole lot was shouldered on Ife - Mr. Producer. He was the man in charge, we all worked together to ensure we weren't twice beaten.

 

But then the huge question we couldn't entirely wipe off our hearts was 'Had we prepared enough? Where we really ready to balance the galaxies?

 

Galactic Balance wasn't a success!!

 

 

 

 

PAGE THIRTEEN

 

Galactic Balance wasn't a success!!

If success meant having a hall bursting audience, if success meant having a hundred percent returns for all our efforts, if success meant achieving its full purpose a hundred percent? Then Galactic Balance wasn't a success.

 

But if success was easily translated to the joy of watching your dreams come true? Then Galactic Balance was a mega success, and indeed it was cos our sole aim of Recognising awesomely talented and passionate young individuals, Developing the talent and passion in them and Promoting them by creating a platform for them to be heard and felt by the world was achieved during Galactic Balance.

 

It was a major boost to our motivations and as Marcus Aurelius put it, we had officially lunged into the deep, now we could sail on deep waters.

 

Meanwhile NYSC service year continued after Galactic Balance, and all went smoothly until the night NCCF family house suffered attack... The famous attack we chose to call 'ATTACK FROM SOBIBOR'

 

Firstly, it was the familiar spirits of the land that launched the spiritual attacks, they had been nicknamed 'ILEGBEDE' and 'IWEEN'

Omo, Idanre local government area turn mount zion faith ministry movie o, this one nor be joke at all, Corpers began to see live ojuju or rather demons in 'daylight' and 'night darkness'

It began as night attacks, Willie Willie the great, would have been inspired by the way this demons appeared and re appeared to unsuspecting corpers, if you were saved, then you were a target for 'Appearation'

But they came in one way and were always fleeing in seven ways, then they switched to daylight mode, Operation catch them alive was born, ILEGBEDE and IWEEN had concluded that our God was a God of the night but even when they switched to daylight mode, We matched them fire for fire and water for water and when they could no longer comprehend the bigness of our God, they launched a physical assault that we decided to tag 'Attack From Sobibor'

 

NCCF family house was the seat of all our spiritual activities, it was this same house that we had used as our fortress to launch the final assault on team ILEGBEDE and IWEEN. We had taken them by surprise and engaged them in warfare, till they had submitted the way Ricky Haton submitted to Floyd Mayweather Jr on December 8th 2007.

 

They couldn't concede defeat in peace just as one president of one country had done prior to election results, rather they planned a reprisal attack from the physical battle field and indeed we didn't see it coming.

 

(THIS PART OF THIS STORY WOULD BE REPORTED VIA THE EYE WITNESS ACCOUNT OF 'PSALMIE SPARKLES' WHO HAPPENED TO BE G-UNCLE AT THE TIME OF THE EVENT)

 

I was sleeping in the sitting room/ chapel of the family house and  G-PAPAE and PAPAE were sleeping in PAPAE's room when I woke up to funny sounds that I couldn't quite comprehend, the next thing I heard was G-PAPAE asking with a rather very commanding voice 'Who is that?' a voice simply replied 'We are thieves' G-PAPAE repeated the question again 'Who is that' and the answer came as clearly as it had been the first time 'We are thieves' when it became obvious to G-PAPAE that they were really thieves, I guess just like Elijah in the bible, the holy spirit took G-PAPAE in a chariot of fire and he was no longer found, until hours later when the chariot of fire brought him back and he later re appeared from back of the door after the thieves had disappeared asking 'have they gone?'

 

Meanwhile, immediately the holy spirit took G-PAPAE, the next thing I could see was blinding torch light shining in my eyes, as I raised my head to stare, I could see the nozzle of a gun pointing at me from the broken panes of the window and a voice from behind asking me to open the door, I immediately entered confusion mode, firstly they already asked for my laptop and my blackberry phone which I peacefully handed over to them through the broken panes of the louvered window like a truly obedient servant of God.

Meanwhile, some others were trying to break the wooden door, hitting it steadily with a mighty tree stump the same way enemies tried to attack the mountain people in the movie 'The Hobbit'

 

I rushed into the passage hall to get the keys from where we usually hung it and there was MAMAE, she had just come out from her room too, I guess she must have developed a fever all of a sudden as she couldn't even stand on her feet, her legs were shaking like 'jeje mosquito'

'Mamae where's the key?' she was wobbling on her feet, the only reply she could give was 'key o' 'key o' shivering and stammering at the same time, PAPAE was out of his room too and in the passage hall at this time, we were all pacing up and down looking for key, meanwhile the banging on the door continued and the thieves kept on repeating that if they had to break into the house that we would all be dead.

Our sincere prayers was for them not to break into the house but just as we were hoping and praying, the door burst open and they came into the house in torrents.

 

They would have numbered over five hundred that day, they came in with all kinds of weapons, guns, machetes, battle axes, bow, sword, arrows, knives….

Immediately they came in they began to ransack the rooms, G-Papae's chariot of fire was still shielding him behind the doors and by God's divine agenda they couldn't find him behind the doors.

They succeeded!!!

Yea they did, this is no folk tale where we always have a happy ending and 'live happily ever after'

They took away our phones and priceless possessions all in a bid to avenge the fall of their masters ILEGBEDE and IWEEN, they had departed before G-PAPAE's chariot of fire returned and he appeared from behind his room door and was like 'have they gone?' and I swear I felt like replying 'no o, dem go bring sacks come wey dem go use come take pack raw rice for kitchen'

 

And indeed they meant if for evil but God turned it around for our good cos everything we lost, now we have them in even a hundred fold.

 

Psalmie Sparkles, aka G-Uncle reporting live from the family house.

 

WELCOME BACK!!

And that was the eye witness news brought to you by our correspondent Psalmie Sparkles, my twin as most people would say back in Idanre. Hehehehe, meanwhile I, Psalmie Sparkle and Jacobu Jacobu were kings of the OPA dynasty and we dwelt in Opa, We would very well have been free from the attack, except for the fact that Psalmie Sparkle was rather pre-destined to be at the family house at the night of the event.

 

Indeed NYSC had its great days and its sour moments as well and passing out of NYSC was more like the way it used to be when we collected our results back in primary school. I know we all remember the very popular lines we always wrote on the blackboard.

'Today is happy and cry'

That was how it was for us all when we eventually passed out of NYSC. I passed out as a G on many platforms

So I passed out as a G-Rabbi, G-CDS Chairman, G-Sunshine Teacher, G-CFH (CFH means Comedian of the Family House), G- Corper and as Oluwasikemi would say then G-Emma.. hehehehe...

 

I rounded my NYSC days with mixed feelings but the joy far outweighed the tears. And indeed the premonition I once had before going for NYSC became a reality, it was sad but it was almost anticipated, this time I wouldn't say I didn't see it coming, infact I saw this one coming.

I lost my AVATAR.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FINAL PAGE

 

The story of the one I had nicknamed Avatar?

Actually there wouldn't be much to talk about there, it was simply a case of 'Que Cera Cera'

Whatever didn't kill one, helped in making one stronger.

 

I sit here staring at the last pages of the diary, indeed, just as the Grandmaster had foreseen, my path had indeed being threaded with thorns and bulrushes, the A-team that actually started off with this mission ain't complete anymore, we had our worst days out there but our great days far surpassed the worst days.

From the stables of Planet Phenom Records We made hit songs that took the world by storm, We discovered awesomely talented singers, Planet Phenom Pictures hosted mega events that indeed left all participants awed for life. 'Armour of God' was a movie that would never be forgotten in the history of mankind, other movies that came alongside armour of God were the type no one could forget in a hurry, Planet Phenom Hybrid gave a whole new meaning to dancing, It was like nothing the world had ever seen before.

Indeed the earlier visions we had at the inception of the dream was a reality, Many founding members opted out, probably the dream was too big for them so they had to wake up, even some members of our A-TEAM woke up from the dream too but some of us couldn't just back down, not me, not them, we were too into the planet phenom movement.

Vikky Wattz had coined the perfect tag for us 'Larger than life'. We were indeed larger than life..

 

Though my bones are old are weak now, though my hair has grown all white, though I do not have the strength to do those things I did as a Youth, I look back at the team we had created and I am proud.

I close my diary right now a fulfilled Man, our efforts had indeed been far reaching, the lives we affected couldn't be numbered, the young talents we Recognised, Developed and Promoted were indeed like the stars. Indeed they had animated their passions and enjoyed the dividends in their own lifetime.

 

We made it against all odds, we stood against the storm and indeed we came, saw and conquered.

 

I closed my eyes and opened it again to find myself in the dojo. Grandmaster was in full white regalia now, wearing a crown and beaming with smiles, I walked slowly towards him, I was wearing a white robe too, I also had a crown on my head. He handed me a scroll and when I opened it, boldly written in red were the words 'Welcome home, thou good and faithful SHIFU'

 

Immediately everything turned all white and glittery and I closed my eyes, most probably, eternity had just begun for me...

 

The End