My Unspoken Apology; Your Unheard Closure

It’s quieter now.

The once familiar buzz is gone.

The soft symphony that accompanied your voice has stopped playing.

Yet somehow, by some magic, I still feel the buzz,

I still hear the symphony.

Can you?

My mind paints pictures for my senses,

A desperate attempt at making you real again.

The air smells sweet,

The un-used side of the bed feels warm,

The sounds of life seem to carry your voice,

Even street meat tastes of homemade love and affection.

But it’s all an illusion, I see that.

You’re gone, I pushed you away.

I told you to forget me so you could fight for love.

I wonder if you hate me for leaving you alone,

For breaking my promise of being there for you through thick and thin;

But I’m toxic. 

I seem to build you up just to kick the chair out from under you.

To watch you squirm as you hang from a rope of dreams, pain, truth, and compassion.

And as much as I want to cut you down,

Your brown eyes staring deep into mine make me weak in the knees.

I freeze and I’m filled with the most putrid feeling I’ve ever felt.

My heart stops beating and goes into cardiac arrest.

My stomach becomes violent and I choke momentarily on my own bile.

I look up and see you crying; though I left you hanging by a string you still seem to care.

As I slowly asphyxiate on my own bile I cut you free.

I struggle, but with my last breath I manage to utter a few words:

I’m sorry, I’m no different than the others.