Why was I ever attracted to you?

I wrote this for my creative writing class. We had to write a journal entry about a memory so I wrote about a guy I met over the summer...then it turned into a journal telling him that I'll never forgive him

 

            Why was I ever attracted to you? When I met you I thought you were much older than twenty. The next time we met Rosie was hanging all over you. I suppose that I just got jealous and wanted you for myself. It never really was a matter of attraction. That day that we had hung out for the first time didn’t go by very smoothly. A bunch of us had gone to Six Flags and then Shawn got kicked out. You just had to go wait in the car with him while the rest of us had fun. The drive back held more of Rosie hanging all over you. It pissed me off because she had a kid to take care of and she shouldn’t have been hanging all over someone that isn't the father.

           

            When she and Chelsi had to leave Lindsey’s house I just cuddled up to you. Something just pulled me in. I wish I had known that would be a mistake. I was drunk but not stupid drunk. I was drunk enough to not be able to walk but not so drunk to where I wasn't aware of what I was doing. We had sex that night. We shouldn’t have. It's very unlike me to do that especially since I had just met you. I got attached to you so quickly, you told me not to. It was basically the one thing you told me not to do. No one would tell me why I shouldn’t get attached to you. Apparently they didn't have the heart. They just would rather have you as a friend then look out for someone who's oblivious to what's going on.

           

            I guess you could say I enjoyed the sex…in a way I never really did though. I just craved the attention I got from you. Your personality drew me in for some reason. I can’t really explain it in words. Whenever I saw you I would be happy. I felt loved even though you didn’t want a relationship. I guess the sex was just something to do when we were together. Even though I never enjoyed it the way you seemed to my body craved it for some reason. I’ll be honest you’ve never made me orgasm. Not once have I finished during sex. Don't know why...people tell me it's because the two guys I've been with just suck. Can't say I blame them for saying that.

           

            I can’t say that I regret meeting you either. You were always nice to me when I was around but you kept your distance from me, from a lot of people. You never told me the whole truth. You're also the one who got me into pot. I will say I enjoyed that for a short while. You caught me in my rebellious phase I guess. I was out to do anything my parents had told me not to do.

           

            My parents didn't like you...they still don't like you. I can't exactly tell them why I don't hang around you anymore. I can't just go up to them and tell them that I was used as something to f**k for two months and then dropped because of some stupid pregnancy scare. Even if it wasn't the pregnancy scare that drove you away that doesn't change the fact that you were using me as an object. I never meant a thing to you. I do wonder why you're still after me.

           

            I've told you that I can't go back to the way things were over the summer. I don't want to see anyone that I hung out with over the summer. None of them respected me enough to tell me the truth. Twichi's the only one that told be the truth. Sure, one of my other friends tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen because she didn't have any proof. Twichi knew I deserved to know you were sleeping with a number of other girls behind my back. I don't think you can imagine how hurt and betrayed I felt. I don't think you can even understand how low I felt. Looking back on all this now it's hard to know why I stayed with you. Towards the end you would blow off the plans we made. And now you're after Twichi as well.

           

            She doesn't find you attractive in the least bit and besides you look like her uncle! There's no spark between us anymore either. Are you after us because we keep saying no? I don't want you anymore. Go f**k someone else for all I care. I'm not the same person I was over the summer. Obviously you still are. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I definitely do NOT have sex anymore. All you did to me over the summer was play on my emotions. Every time you talk to me I can tell that you want more. I'm not willing to give you anymore than I already have. I'll never give you anything more than an occasional hug and possibly not even that. You've destroyed all the respect I ever had for you. You haven't had my trust in a long time either. I mean why should you? You deserve absolutely nothing from me.

 

            I'm always asking myself why I was ever attracted to you. Why did I stay with you? Why did I move back towards you? Am I really that desperate for attention from someone? Can I really be that low as to go back to someone that treated me as an object? I've done so much changing while I've been away from you. I've realized so much. I know I'm much better than you can ever hope to have again. I was stupid to let you use me those two months. Even now it seems you're still trying to lure me into what we had over the summer. It's over.

 

            I wish that we could just be friends. You always want more than what I’m willing to give though. I don’t think that we’ll ever be able to be just friends. We didn’t start out as friends. To me our beginning was strange. Normally, I like getting to know someone. When I got to know you, you just became this obsession I had. You never wanted anything more from me but sex. You’ll never want anything but sex from me. Friendship would never work at this point. I wish that it could but I think that it would be best for both of us or at least best for me if we didn’t keep in contact with each other.

 

 

 

 

 

            This is the last thing that I want to do really. I wish that things had happened differently between us so I wouldn’t have to stop being your friend. But the pressure is too much. You never put pressure on me directly but whenever I’m around you I feel like you’re expecting too much. What happened over the summer was then. You lost me and you’ll never get me back. I was hurt so much when I found out everything that was going on behind my back. You weren’t fair to me at all.

 

 

 

 

            I’m sorry things had to come to this but this is the way it has to be. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call or text me anymore. Even if you do, don’t expect me to answer. Maybe in a few more months or a few more years I’ll decide to forgive you for what happened but at this moment in time, it’s very unlikely to happen. This is the point where I have to say goodbye to you. Maybe one day I’ll finally feel free of the trap you put me in.