55 Days

The Only Letter I Sent

It’s been 55 days since you said your goodbye. It’s been 55 days since my heart cried so hard, since it started bleeding, since it started to scatter its pieces on the places we’ve been. Dear, it’s been 55 days since I started trying to get over you, to forget you, to forget everything you said, everything I felt. But it’s been 55 days and yet nothing has changed. I am still nervous when you’re around. I can still feel the butterflies that won’t stop flying in my tummy. I still struggle not to smile when I see you smiling. I still struggle to fake my smiles and my laughs whenever you’re around just for you to see that I’m okay, that I’m not affected at all, that this means nothing to me. But dear, it’s already 55 long days of pain and sadness and false hopes. And dear, for that 55 days (and counting), there’s not a single day that I wouldn’t think of you. That I wouldn’t wish you’d come back. That I wouldn’t wish this is all part of a dream.

And since it’s been 55 days, lot of things have changed. I can see we’ve both grown so much. Especially you. You’re becoming the man I always know and I always perceive that you are. You’re becoming someone whose life is dedicated to God alone, whose life is dedicated to serve Jesus. Whose life is dedicated in preaching the truth, whose life is dedicated to disciple others- a man whose disciples are really growing .And dear, I am so proud of a man you’re becoming. All of these, at least I can say, wouldn’t happen if we didn’t choose to let go. And dear, it’s getting clearer to me now. The reason why I’m still hurting, the reason why I need to go through this, it’s all for my growth. It’s all for our best. And I am very much willing to feel the pain even more, whether it will last a couple more days, or weeks, or months, or even years. As long as this means we’re growing in the knowledge of Jesus. As long as it’s magnifying God’s love and purpose for the both of us. And it’s okay if we grow apart, as long as we’re growing for God’s glory. As long as after all these, it is God that will be praised, that will be uplifted. So, despite of having what ifs and maybes and questions in my mind, I am choosing to let God take control of everything. I am asking Him to let me feel the pain He wants me to feel to learn the lessons He still wants me to know. I’m asking Him to break me, even crush me to be a fine salt. I’m asking Him to give me all the sufferings I need to be the best version of me that He wants me to be.

So dear, no matter what will happen, I’m very much happy and glad for it. For I know that it is God who is writing our stories. So, I wouldn’t mind if you’ll love again. I wouldn’t mind as long as you’ll do it the right way. As long as she’s the best for you. As long as you’re both growing in Christ. As long as it wouldn’t affect your ministry, as long as she’s God’s best for you. I wouldn’t mind because I know you deserve God’s best. I wouldn’t mind because I’m asking God to love you for me, because I know, I couldn’t love you more than He does. I haven’t, I couldn’t and I won’t ever be able to give you the love I know He alone can offer. So instead, I’ll love you the best way I can, the best way I could. That is to let Him love you for me. I wouldn’t mind because I know He knows what’s best for you. I love you that way that much, that I wouldn’t mind you having someone that’s best for you.

Yes, I still miss you. And it still hits me somewhere in this heavy-beating heart whenever I pass by the places we have been, whenever something pops out of my mind and makes me remember little things about you. Whenever I see you at church, whenever we meet each other’s eyes, whenever we accidentally bump into each other, whenever I hear your name, whenever you say my name. It still hits me as if everything was just yesterday. Truly how fast time flies yet how slow heart heals, how slow love fades, how slow memories are forgotten. Dear, you are the boy who felt like a miracle to me, the boy who taught me lessons, the boy who made me love in all the ways I don’t think is possible, who taught me to love the best way I could- that is to ask the Heavenly Father to give you the best. Dear, you are that boy and I can see you’re becoming the man you ought to be. And for that, I am very much content for what we had, for what we have, and for what we won’t or we will have. I am satisfied knowing that it is God that’s behind all of these. I am satisfied. I am thankful. I am relieved.

I already said my goodbye 53 days ago So, instead, I’ll say, I’ll let you go, I’ll let you soar as high as God wants you to be and see you up there. See you at our best. See you at God’s best. See you when all is well and all is right. See you at what God intended us to be. See you at your best. Till then, I’ll still pray for what’s best for you. You were the boy with starlight eyes and sunshine smiles, and I know you’re more than that as a man. So, see you at the best version of that boy, of that man.

 

10/25/2016-ALT