Amy Kissed My Father

10 minute story, first line provided, including the following things: - Ripped upholstery - Bill the Paleoclimatologist -The thing he does with a newspaper

There she was, Amy Gerstein, over by the pool kissing my father.

In fact this was all basically my own fault. I mean, what exactly was I expecting when I invited the most ‘popular’ girl in the office to a family gathering? It’s not like I work in a rock star environment, paleoclimatology may well be the most boring of all ‘ologys’. It’s certainly not a magnet for girls, hence my desperation in inviting Amy.

Dad had been ribbing me for weeks. Who would I be bringing? Was it going to be a girl this time? You know the rest. You wouldn’t really call my father the supportive kind, not unless you class constant mockery as supportive. This time I was going to show him, this time I’d give him something he couldn’t mock. Amy had been flirting with me for weeks, a brush of the shoulder, a long lingering look. Not exactly the ten minutes she’d spent in the stationary cupboard with Ronald, but it was a start and I fancied my chances. After all, everyone else had taken theirs…

Still, in retrospect, maybe a family gathering wasn’t the best choice of first date. It started badly with that awkward greeting. You know the one, where you’re not sure whether to shake hands, hug or give the obligatory cheek kiss. As it was I fell into the trap of going for the kiss and ending up in an awkward hug. Still, when I realised that I’d left my zipper open with everything on show, I sort of understood why Amy might want to avoid too much intimacy.

I noticed straight away she was flirting with dad. It was her reaction to that thing he does with the newspaper. She studied his movements intensely from what could only be uncomfortably close range, and then ejaculated a girlish giggle as he got up. 'He’s only folding it to wipe his arse,' I wanted to shout - never did get along with toilet paper my dad, wasn’t manly enough - still I kept my mouth shut.

Mum did too, even when they came out of the guest lounge red in the face and covered in the feathers from ripped upholstery. God knows what they were doing for that to happen. Still, mum was a hero. If repression was a sport, she would be on your TV screen every Sunday afternoon. The woman is a rock. Her only concern seemed to be where she would manage to get new seat covers from at 8.30 of an evening.

Anyway, Dad continued to lord it over us and Amy was clearly having a whale of a time. It was excruciating, but I couldn’t help admiring the old man. Christ, it was a miracle he could manage a girl of such exquisite experience given that he’d had his prostrate removed not three weeks before. So it was somewhat churlish of me to push them both into the pool. It felt good for a moment, I felt an immense relief. It was short-lived though, there’s only so much happiness one can enjoy when you realise you’ve drawn your entire family’s attention to your dad groping your date in the middle of your aunt’s swimming pool.

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

And all this time I thought you Brits were famous for your Under-stated humor, sorry humour? Still, I enjoyed it, and thanks for sharing.

[dopey]

Quite an odd read. I liked the setting of a family gathering, giving it an uncomfortable vibe to it for me. Overall I enjoyed this piece.

[Ania L]

Really funny flash fiction. I could imagine the characters clearly even after such a short piece. Enjoyed this read a lot.
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