sweet ways

idk a thing i wrote for an ongoing story ive been writing

do not ask me if i remember

because no matter how many years and how many miles i put between myself and you

there will never be enough

to drown the memories.

i stopped being sad years ago

although sometimes i will get to feeling so exhausted

and it will feel like ive only been happy for hours.

and you didn’t know how to sing me love songs

without making my ears bleed

and you didn’t know how to touch me

without bruising

but i’ve started to think that my memory has started being kinder to me

and i think that i am starting to find convenience

in forgetting.

i am losing the bad

and keeping the good

and i can’t say i’m not glad

i can’t say it’s not a relief.

i will remember you fondly

and i will think of you in sweet ways

as much as i can.

i will remember the slow-dancing

the feeling of your arms around my neck

and the smell of you and your breaths making the fabric on my shirt flutter

the way you would jump on chairs and tables and beds to get taller

whenever we would start to argue

the way you would speak to me as if someone replaced your whole vocabulary with sorts of flowers

and rose petals would drip off your tongue in the form of whispers in the middle of night

the way you would kiss me with your eyebrows drawn together

like dusty blinds hiding us from other things

and trace your fingertips down my wrists

slowly

like i had rivers for veins

and you boats for fingers.

i will remember how you said

i love you’s

not in brutal ways

or angry ways

or mocking ways

or lustful ways

i will remember every i-love-you

with adoration

and appreciation

for the way your mouth twisted and danced around the words.

i will remember you

and every time i do

i will try to feel more awake

and less like i have been

comatose

ever since i met you.