I am an Addict

    My name is Alex and I'm an addict.  Not a recovering addict, but a full time practicing addict.   My life is in shambles, I've lost so much.  I lie to everyone I meet, but at least I'm not lying to myself.  I know I'm hopeless.  I know I can't quit on my own.  I know I've fucked things up for my friends, my family, and myself.  Maybe this is rock bottom, I don't know.  I've thought I was there a few times before, but things always got worse.  All the times I've tried to quit and failed, all the pain I've caused, is it adding up to this?  Or is this just another bump on the lonely road I've been traveling for so long? 

    I don't know if I can stop.  Really, I don't know if I want to.  As much as it sucks, this has been my life for so long, I don't know how to do anything else.  And there have been good times.  Not so much lately, but things haven't always been this bad.  So why do I keep at it?   That's a damn good question. 

    Theres this feeling I strive for.  I call it super-cool.  Nothing matters to me.  I am better than everyone else.  I have confidence.  All the chatter in my mind goes away, and I can have a singular thought.  The paranoia is gone, I can talk to people, and best of all is the euphoria.  When I think about using I think about that feeling, and getting it again.  What I don't think of is the blackouts, the lost friends, the lies, the legal trouble, the sickness or the insanity.  I don't think of all the reasons I shouldn't do it.  I know what I want to feel, and I go for it.  And inevitably I'm disappointed.  That feeling is rare.  But its just so great that I have to try for it over and over.  Because even if I feel it for just one moment it was worth it. 

    So there it is.  I'm a pleasure seeker.  I practice self-gratification at the expense of friends, family, and my life.  But that's not what I tell people, or even myself.  I say its because I'm depressed and I need something to make me feel better.  If that were true I would stop using once I was drunk or high enough.  But its never enough.  If I don't get that feeling I will keep at it until the day ends or I can no longer function, whichever comes first.