Bliss

A poem that is all about the most normal things of all.

 

Woken from my other life

I come to without coming to conclusions

There is nothing left

But morning and confusions

Married I once was

Daring I swear I did

But only for a night

At this you think I kid

Normal cannot be so absurd

Never in my wildest...

Did I ever come to think that life

Was more than what it seems

It could have been four seconds

But years weigh on my brain

And once this day ahead is past

I'll leave to it again

But if by chance I do not wake

Do never fear for me

Life is there beyond that lake

You call reality

I'll rot to death

eyes flitting for all time

This life behind me fading fast

The new one most sublime

Author's Note

First Writing done on this site, flail me as you will ;D

Reviews

[Vain Apocalypse]

Some of this I quite like.

The rhyme scheme is bothersome, however. It starts off well enough with an xAxAxBxB alteration, but then falls off into five unrhymed lines, and never really regains its original pattern until the closing four lines (xFxF). Maybe this was an attempt to correlate with the theme of the poem, alternating fluid rhyme with unfluid rhyme, in and out of a dream? If so, it could have been done better and subtler, such as with an alteration of diction types. I do strongly recommend revising the rhyme scheme for consistency.

The theme is well communicated, and not one that I've seen often before. I think it could be communicated better though with the use of more imagery, something that would bring out the colors and vibrancy of a dream, to help the reader feel this fantasm. For example: "Married I once was"; marriages can be quite colorful scenes, with a verdant lawn, the glow of flowers, the crisp whites, and of course the face of a loved one. These are merely ideas, but powerful imagery is something that a poet should take advantage of whenever there is a good opportunity.

My favorite lines were the closing three. To me, the rhyme here feels the smoothest and most natural of them all, maybe I just like the word "sublime," but it's also transitioned with a nice instance of alliteration. Alliterating with the word "fast" works well, as it provides the feeling of speed in speech, and carries the reader quickly to the closing line, which ends on a most comfortable note.

[Luna]

"It could have been four seconds
But years weigh on my brain
And once this day ahead is past
I'll leave to it again"

The rhyme is great with this. I happened to really like it.
Good write.

-Luna

[ICE]

I honestly liked it! It would help if you placed some type of punctuation to help the poem flow better.
"Woken from my other life

I come to without coming to conclusions

There is nothing left

But morning and confusions"

This was amazing...good job.

[Alyssa]

"eyes flitting for all time
This life behind me fading fast
The new one most sublime"
Like the rhyming here, this was very nice to read. Good job :)

[deactivated account. pl..]

I love the fragmented feel of the lines of this poem.
"a poem that is all about the most normal things of all" - I always find it interesting to read what the author has to say about the piece, and this is what really hooked me.
what a noble effort, to write aboutthe most normal things of all. I admire that.
excellent first write posted on the site, keep it up!

[Elliot Kyron]

It's beautiful! I really liked it, especially the last two lines.