Faux Worker

My life was meaningless before you

Until you entered my life I was a rudderless ship

Your infinite wisdom has finally given me the direction

I need to survive this long, strange trip

 

I appreciate beyond words the time you’ve taken to

Pass on your vast wealth of knowledge

It speaks to your brilliance that you know everything

About everything yet you went to an aviation-only college

 

A subject matter expert on all subjects

Keeping all that wisdom to yourself would truly be a crime

Think of all that I could learn from you

If you ever managed to show up to work on time

 

In a former life you must have been a ninja because

You get away with a lot due to your apparent stealth

You forget to do half of your tasks, are always two hours late, and

Never remember to shower, which I hear is bad for your health

 

So what if your hygiene leaves something to be desired

Maybe its an integral part of one of your master plans

Who else could get away with an avalanche of dandruff

And odors probably caused by overactive sweat glands

 

By the stories you tell, I’m envious of how

You have such an adoring and smitten girlfriend

I know it wasn’t your lack of social skills that drew her in

But just maybe that weird cough acts as a mating call, and that I would commend

 

I’ve grown fond of the way you always

Act like you’re doing me a favor

And how you constantly look down on me

Trust me, that’s truly endearing behavior

 

Even more impressive than the fact that you’re always right

Is the fact that you are never, ever wrong

That is reason enough to look down on all of us mere mortals

A god among men, this office is obviously where you belong