What?

Sleep deprived and barely here
Trying to focus on [ignore] anything that
                isn’t you.
        [or maybe me]
And my stomach growls
fueled by sugar and caffeine, nothing
                    else.

What am I doing here?
    doing to myself?
Starvation?
        At least there’s no more
            mutilation.
My ribs are showing more than ever
cheek bones sunken just enough to
            almost   
                    scare me.

Yet. I’m more _alive now that I’ve ever been....

I know,
    I am sure
that what I need to do is
            seriously get control
    over all of this.
But it is so much easier
to skip a meal here, forget to take care of myself
                    there.
I don’t want to be [by] myself anymore.
I am ready to give in.
    what is the point?
Why fight something that
        isn’t going to ever stop?

And who to begin with,
        am I [was I ever] fighting for?
Cause, at this moment,
 with my cheeks flushed from heavy tear
        fall..
the idea of survival seems just a            
            little absurd.

The only thing I can do now,
with my breath ragged and the sobs
slowly starting is pray.
    He forgives me of all of my sins
        I know this.

And that makes me cry even harder.

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

For a poem that focuses on the suffering of someone with an E.D and S.I, this is quite original. I like what you've done with the brackets - the internal contradictions going on there.
The ending is sad; things like sympathy or forgiveness can hurt more than other things at times.
The narrator of this poem sounds in a very bad way; I hope they don't give up because it IS possible to fight it off...just very, very hard. I felt empathy with them because they made an effort to be rational and objective, but struggled because of what theyre going through.
Good write. Thanks for sharing this.

[Aaron B.]

He forgives me of all of my sins
I know this.

And that makes me cry even harder.

I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE these lines

We as humans are SO broken....and that Christ forgives us...at our worst...and loves us...NOW...not a future version of us, not a better version of us, He loves the fucked up broken us...and he forgives us...

Grace is truly an amazing thing, and something that at times I have trouble grasping...

I find myself asking more often then naught...

why does he love me, why does forgive me, for there is nothing to love and a TON to forgive!

[Parker Pearl]

this is incredible.
it hits like a punch in the nose...very painful, brings immediate tears to the eyes.
the style is great, it flows freely, very stream-of-consciousness.
beautiful.

but art aside,
i'll still hold you up on that offer...
the one where you can talk to me about anything.
and i won't judge.

i'm going to give you a great big hug someday.