stuggles with mia

A Story by samanthajoe

my story
mia stuggles
I have seen alot of these stories already, someone will tell you their problems and then promise it will get better. i wont do that, im not saying it doesnt get better but im not there yet, so i cant preach it to you.this story,my story, doesnt have a happy insperational ending, mainly because it has not happened yet, i hope one day it does. and hopefully with me fighting like hell everyday i can get there. but thats not today. today i will tell you my struggles so far and what i hope happens in the future. i hope you keep reading this, it would mean the world to me:) here i go:
it all started, well since the time i was born really. i cannot remember a time i wasnt depressed about something, sad i know. its sad a little girl has to cry when her father doesnt show up for another visitiation.but im that little girl, i cried countless times when my father would rather do whatever than come and see me. how can a parent just cut out their child? that will forever be blurry. i guess that was/is the start of my problems. it made me second guess myself and make me think im not good enough for my father, who will i be good enough for?
while im still on the subject of my childhood, i was the chubby cousin.i had alot of cousins and they were all skinny and then there was me, the sweet one. thats just code for the fat one. and growing up with my four other girl cousins my cousin allie and i were always left out. mandie, caitlyn and heather were a always together when we hung out, and allie and i were just blah on the sides. this also made me feel like s**t about myself.
i guess what it comes down too is that i never felt/feel good enough for my family cause there is always someone better than me, at everything.
i wont even get in to detail about my broken family, thats a whole other story, but there is domestic violance and alcoholism that run wild with them.
in elementry school i was again chubby and getting bigger. in third grade i was 99/100 llbs. im so ashamed i was that heavy that young, i cant belive i let myself get that bad that quick. but i always ate and couldnt stop. that was around the time my mom started dating, and i took it hard. VERY hard, like i went apeshit, also not proud but i felt like she was going to replace me with a man and i couldnt deal. i dont know why i took it so hard but i did. i remember crying so hard when she would go out on a date, i would curse and scream at her hoping she would stay home and take care of me. i guess i just needed her and felt like she was not there enough.
kids my age never made fun of me to my face or even behind my back, well i was never told. but i still felt like i didnt belong, because i had such low self-esteem. so i with-drew from the more popular kids in fear of rejection and started hanging out with the 'scummy' kids. they actually accepted me, and i hate to say this i felt better because i saw what their home was like and mine was better. they were some of my best friends growing up and they also formed me as a person, i still love them. even though i dont talk to them.
lets fast forward to my eighth grade, oh boy.everything changed. my mom got engaged to a man i do not like. he was fine when they were dating but as soon as he put a ring on her finger. damn was he a diffrent person. i hated/hate him. i also came out as bisexual that year which is just a whole new stress. my mom and siblings were really open to it and didnt care but there are some family members who dont know cause i know they wont accept me. my cousin mandie, whose two months younger than me, rolled her nose up in discust when i told her. that literally broke my heart, i thought we were like sisters and she wouldnt judge me.. well i was wrong she didnt like the fact i like girls and boys. we still dont talk about my sexuality. because of all those things and my denial of being depressed i started to cut.
nothing too deep or bad but i still broke skin and watched the blood bleed out. i tried to hide it and for the most part i did, since i always wore hoddies. one day i didnt,stupid me, and i had fresh cuts that were healing and my mom saw... all she did was tell me to put stuff on it so it didnt get infected and we never talked about it since. that scared me into stoping, well for two years anyway. that year i also would purge, also nothing too bad just sometimes when i felt like i ate too much. for some reason i stoped that too, im not sure why but i did.
lets fast foward again, now we are in grade 10, i started falling for my best friend dakota and that made me depressed bacause i was nothing more than i friend and that killed me. also that year i met one of my best friends nikki, she was one of the first people to have stuggled with the same things as i did, so we instantly bonded.everything was going good, well as good as you can be depressed, eariler that year i started to admit it to myself that i wasnt happy and i wasnt okay.
now we are in june, in june i told dakota that i liked him and all he said was im sorry, for talking about other girls. thats it. that broke me and made my depression ten times worst,. and i know that was not his attention but it was what happened. and i started to cut again. this time alot more, i would shredd my tigh, because no one would see it. also my eating disorder came back.
i went to highschool for cooking, cooking is my passion that was discovered when i was 12 so i wanted a good future, so i got a head start on learning. nobody told me how much weight i would gain being in that school.i gained 50llbs! and for someone who has always tired to diet and failed growing up it was hard to see the number keep going up. and seeing the look on docters faces when the found out my weight. i was/am 240ish pounds, gross i know, i hate myself for letting it get this bad.
so now we are in grade 11, my currentu year. my hardest year. this year i started out depressed and cut quite alot. this year i also got reintouch with my best friend bunny:)(oh gosh now im gonna get emotional:)) we were best friends in middle school but lost touch because we didnt have classes together. if it wasnt for her i might not have lived through this year, you truly mean everything to me:) you are the only one who understand and i hope you believe what im saying, because its all true.<3
this year girls in my shop made fun of me, not to my face, of course. they would say im too obesse to stand on my feet, that i was milking my foot condition which put me in a wheelchair. and i remember one time i didnt eat luch because partly my mom was very tight on money so i didnt want to take more money than nessary. so i just didnt eat lunch, no big deal to me. i learned to not pay attention to my hunger pains i just chewed some gum. well my teacher found out about that and made me some pasta. i never really like him because he fliped s**t when i got a lip stud and he joked about my weight. but that was the nicest thing ever.well the girls in my shop didnt like that one bit. so now i was critized again on what i was eating. i got so upsett i wanted to go into the bathroom and purge but didnt, i saved that for home. but i did start to cry, i couldnt help it i just broke, i know im fat i dont need it pointed out. so that put strain on my shop. we were so divided eaither you like the "poodles" or you didnt. simple. well thank god that year is over:)
at the end of the school year i decided i wanted help. i wanted to go into inpatient so i could beat my addictions and live healthy.. i thought atleast getting the help would be easy. i know recovery isnt easy, i know i will have to work everday and i am committed to that, i truly am:)
so i told my mom, that didnt go as planned, she dosnt think its right for me to go away. whatever.so now my problems are worst because im so stressed, but when i turn eighteen and if i havnt been to inpatient i will sign myself in. i need it and noone understands besides bunny. i know whatever i saw she will understand and i thank you SO much for that you have saved my life multipul times:) i will never forget you!we will go up to canada and have canadian babies:) haha
so this is the end to my long long list of stuggles. i hope i didnt bore you too much, i just needed this off of my chest. if you need someone to talk to im here,im not done with my problems but ill help you as best as i can:)