Ancient History

A Story by Lovingleigh

This is an excerpt from an old journal I found.

I don't know what hurts the most;

Living without you,

or living with your ghost.

... And this goddamned diary doesn't talk back. It can't beg me not to go out and buy a razor blade like I wanted to today. I got in my car, and I just started crying. I'm so unhappy. Even with friends, even with my new job starting soon and going back to school; Nothing. None of it makes me happy. Because I'm still all alone. You aren't here anymore.

I just want to cut everytime I think of you, or her, or when I'm hungry so I don't eat, or when I'm angry or sad or frustrated. I just want to feel something besides the pain of you walking away and leaving me all alone with no one to talk to, and nothing to help me get through this misery. How do you get better when nothing makes you happy? And the girl I want likes me, but she likes him, too and won't be committed to me. But she doesn't have a problem with me buying her dinner and rolling my heart out just for her to walk all over. I want to cut everytime I see her talk to him, or go out with him. Or when she tells me she wants me, but isn't ready; because it's a LIE and she's never gonna be ready.

I want to cut everytime I drive home from her house because I know the kissing and cuddling don't mean a goddamn thing, and when I get home I'll be just as depressed and empty and alone as I've always been. I want to cut when I think of how bad all of this hurts, and why I deserved all this when all I ever did was love her and give her the best of me.

I want to cut when I think of you out there, not thinking of me or what you left behind. And the pain I still feel, the tears I still cry when I remember the day you left me for good. I want to cut when I think of how much I miss you, how much I NEED you, and how badly I just want you to come back and save me from myself.

Heather, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of tonight, of tomorrow, of next week, of next year. I'm afraid of living this life without you. Because I'm not living at all anymore.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds. I want to tell someone, hear someone say it will all be okay... But I grabbed my phone and I realized that I have absolutely no one to call. No one would want to hear this. Nobody cares.

I'm losing my mind.

I cried all the way to the gas station, bought gas and a pack of razor blades, and cried all the way home. I cut harder than I ever have before. But it didn't help. Nothing is making this pain go away.

What do I do? What am I supposed to do when NOTHING makes it feel any better? God, I just want to scream! I just want to run to wherever you are and fall into your arms and hear you tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want to run away from here, from everyone, from her, from myself. I just want to be happy, I just want to know that someone cares. That someone legitimately gives a f**k about me.

I want my therapist back.

I want my best friend back.

What's gonna happen now that you aren't here to save me anymore?

I'm so angry that I don't know what to with myself. Angry at her for being so heartless, angry at me for believing her again, angry at them for not understanding and telling me to just get over it.

But mostly,

I'm angry at God.

You were the ONLY person I had to talk to. The only person that cared, the only person I believed in.

And He took you away from me.

He took you away.

I want to run until I collapse from exhaustion. Until I can't breathe anymore. Until my heart gives out.

I want to hit something with all the force in my body. Until either it breaks; or I do.

I have to get this rage, this bitter angry hatred out of me. I can't stand it anymore, it's driving me insane. I want to hurt so bad until I just don't feel anything anymore. I want numbness. I don't want to wake up and feel the heartache, I don't want to face it another day. I can't bear it any longer, it's killing me.

It hurts so bad, Heather.

It hurts so bad, and nothing I do stops it from hurting.

Is this what rock bottom feels like?

Or can it still get worse from here?