Lost and Found

This is a piece of novel I have begun working on. Everything I submit will be short pieces

Who am I? I am something or someone to many, and nothing to just as many, but who I am to myself is most important.

 

I am a mother and a daughter. Perhaps not the best of either but still, I am. 3 beautiful daughters were born to me and I have done the best I could to raise them with what knowledge I had. They would not be the women they are today without the help I received from my own mother. Though one is lost and may never find her way back; she too is special to me, no matter the hatred in her heart. My youngest, the most precious child ever to take a breath is my reason. Oh they all have their places and reasons in my life, but my baby has taught me how to live. She showed me what was important in life. This leaves my middle child. My sunshine and my smile. Some days she is the only reason I laugh. She is much like her momma. She possesses a hungry spirit, my bohemian child. They are separated from me right now, and I ache daily for them to come home. Soon is my promise, and one I shall not break. Not to myself and certainly not to them.

 

I am submissive. I am a submissive woman with the strength only found in she who surrenders her will to another. I bend out of loyalty, I am humbled each and every time I hear the words 'good girl'. I fall to my knees not because I feel I am beneath; I fall because I can find no other way to show my devotion. The man who contains me is a strong man indeed, and only he can see that by chaining me he allows me to fly. I expect no one to understand this. Sometimes I don't understand it myself, but it is a large part of who I am. I am proud of who I am in this regard; I will always be proud.

 

What has brought all of this about? A shower. You may ask how that can be. I'm more than happy to tell you. 

 

As I stood beneath the near-scalding stream, I watched rivulets lazily flow over chest, into the valley between my breasts and down my stomach to follow the long lines of my legs before pooling at my feet. I wiggled my toes; toes that I find so ugly I try to keep them hidden at all times. I smiled because my lover likes my toes and takes every opportunity he can to play with them. Actually two of my lovers do this. I find it humiliating but funny at the same time. I stood like this for a long time, watching the water follow a different path with every passing second. It was hypnotic and when I finally shook myself out of the daze I was in, I couldn't help but smile.

 

I stepped from the shower and into the warmth of a waiting towel and caught my reflection in the mirror. I let the towel drop and I sucked in a deep ragged breath. Tears sprang to my eyes as a heady realization struck me, and hard. For the very first time in my life, I saw myself through the eyes of the men who love and/or adore me. I saw my naked reflection as something of beauty; not as something to hide from their lustful gaze. My eyes followed every curve, from the outside of my breasts into the slight dip of my waistline and over the swell of ample hips. I studied my tattoos, marking of my choosing, and I smiled. No, not one do I regret. I pressed the palms of my hands upon my belly and whimpered. Long gone is the flat stomach of my teenage years. Forever gone are breasts that sat up high and proud when I was 16. In their places are the markings of a life in progress. In their place is the body of a woman who has given birth, who has lived through illness and surgery, who has lost and gained so much weight over the years in some misguided effort to find perfection. As my blue eyes rose to capture their own attention, tears fell to stain my cheeks and a broad smile coursed pouty lips. 

 

What a fortunate woman I am. I am loved by two amazing men who accept me for who I am, inside and out. I am cared for, adored, and chained by another, who, like the others, accepts me for who I am. I have gained a sister, one who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. If you had told me 5 months ago that I would be as content as I am today I'd have told you to take a flying leap. Not today. Today I tell you that it is just beginning. Many loves await me, for I am too much woman to ever be contained by just one love. I have too much to give.

Author's Note

All of my writing up until now has been general blog, journal style. I'm trying to find a style that fits me. Please be as critical as necessary. My feelings won't be hurt too much :)