Hating Every Minute

A Story by Hadri A Rahman

Based on the Alkaline Trio song with the same name

Hating Every Minute

"H-h-hh-hi, Alex," I stammered. "Was it hard for you to find
this place? No? W-w-well, that's g-g-good then," I said, clearly
nervous.

I can't believe it, Alex's here. It seems like forever since
I've been trying to go out with her, wanting to say how much I love her,
how much I want to be with her, imagining how I would hold her hand,
lying down next to her..

Oh s**t, I can't believe I left her at the living room.
Damn it, where's my manners? I panicked. "I'm sorry, Alex," I said,
"Have a seat, please." I said, somewhat hastily. "I'm sorry, I'm
kinda panicking at the moment, it's a bit of a surprise having you
here..especially at this time of night, you know?" I said.

"So, uh, how's the seat?" I asked her. "I-I-I-uh, hope you
feel comfortable sitting in that seat, it's a bit old, but it's
actually pretty comfy," I said. "I'll just take the seat in front
of you, is that ok? You're ok with that? G-g-g-reat!" I stammered.

"So, uh, Alex," I said, looking at her, looking down at my shoes,
and wiping my palms on my knees at the same time. "So, uh, Alex..."
I repeated, not knowing what to say, how to even begin it. She just
stared at me.

"Yeah, I know this is weird, Alex. I'm feeling pretty weird myself,"
I grinned sheepishly. "Listen, Alex...there's something I've always wanted
to say to you," I said. " Oh god, she's still staring at me. "What I've
been trying to say, is...that...hurf..agh," I choked.

"Oh god, I can't do this," I said in despair, stood up and walked
to the kitchen. I know what I want to say. It's really simple.

I love her.

I love her to death.

Even death will never separate us, Alex.

And you know this too.

I want you to know that I'll always cherish you, Alex. I know
it's ridiculous, but I mean it.

But I'm just so nervous, getting the words out of my throat
seems downright impossible, with my clammy hands and beating chest.

I walked back to the living room, sat down, clamped my mouth shut,
and pretended to look elsewhere.

She doesn't seem to mind.

I decided to change the topic.

"So, uh...how's your folks?" I asked.

"Oh, you got into an argument with them, and that's why you're
here? I..I don't know how much I can..." I swallowed my saliva,
before I continued, "h-h-h-help you, but why don't w-w-we..travel?"

"Y-yeah, Alex. Travel, j-just you and me. W-we can g-get in
the car, drive t-to wherever we want, and we can go t-to the plainlands,
l-lie down in t-the grass, just w-watch the stars, you know?" I said.

"W-we can even f-f-find a nice town, b-buy a house, get a j-job there,
g-get m-married, have kids, j-just live there till we get o-old, and we
don't e-even have to t-tell our f-folks about it, w-we'll just d-disappear,
and t-they can't f-find us! Isn't that g-g-great?" I stammered.

She looked at the floor, unresponsive.

"P-please, Alex," I said, sadly.

"I-I-kn-know how hard it is for you, Alex, b-but," I continued,
as I tried to force the words out again.

I failed, miserably.

I failed to even tell her how much I love her and how much
I wanted to be with her.

"E-excuse me, ok?" I said, somewhat hastily, as I got up, and went
to the bathroom.

My reflection looked back at me in the mirror, mockingly.

"You lousy coward," I growled.

"All you have to do is say how much you love her. And you can't
even do that. You god damned coward," I growled, as I stared
at the sink, both my hands holding the sides, shaking it, until
I felt my resentment and self-loating draining out of my soul.

"Ok, this is it. It's now or never," I said, turning on the faucet and splashed some water on my face, and stared at the mirror.

I took a towel, dried my face, collected myself, and walked out
to the living room.

"A-A-Alex," I began, before I noticed that there's blood trickling
out of a corner of her mouth.

"Alex, you're bl-bleeding, l-let me c-clean that up, ok?"
I said, as I got a napkin and dabbed it clean, but then, I realized
that my shirt is soaked with blood.

That came from the stab wound from her chest.

"O-oh, I'm s-s-sorry, Alex. I f-forgot to t-take out the kn-kn-knife
fr-from your chest. I'm r-really fo-forgetful sometimes," I stammered.

"L-let me t-take care of this, ok?" I said, and I smiled, somewhat
pathetically, as I lifted her lifeless body up from the chair, dragged
her to the kitchen, and laid her body on top of the plastic sheet on the floor.

"D-don't worry Alex, I'll t-take good care of you, I promise," I said,
as I noticed the trail of blood from the living room to the kitchen,
held her hand, and said, "Just give me some time to think, ok?"

She just stared at me.