say

i’m afraid it’s much too late to say what i want to say

and what i want to say is that i shouldn’t have tried to say

the things i wanted to say. i didn’t plan on wasting

that much time, but i was sorta happy. however i hope

something like that will never happen again as i

won’t say much of anything anymore. i promise.

how much does 4 words cost

or an entire sentence for that matter

will all the poems i scrunched up and threw

away as they hit the back of my pillow, suffice

for a momentary break in silence

now that i think back, for all that i couldn’t do

i guess i paid for it with all the words

i couldn’t say, thinking surely, i’ll get to say them

with a straight face, someday. with the benefit of 

hindsight i’m somewhat glad that someday

isn’t anywhere near, and all the conversations

i rehearsed in my head, possible continuations,

questions with half answers and good answers with no

question, will never be realized and all the things

i might have sort of really wanted won’t materialize

like the things i’ve always really wanted to say

someday.

but hey, it might be better this way. things might

start looking up, and the starbucks i pass by on my way

home might seem a bit more warm and inviting

and i’ll think back to the first things i immediately regret,

i can confidently think to myself

that it was unfitting of me and I should have stopped

before that second word and lied, late at night,

and never speak of it ever again; burying it

with all the things i shouldn’t have ever tried to

say.

Author's Note

ignore the lack of capitalization, it only puts emphasis on the inability to capitalize on my part.