Willow Seed

An older work of mine, about someone I long ago forgot

The ages between
these pleading connections
plant a willow tree's seed.

Roots of absorption
grow, soil shifting
a shaken foundation
slowly seen,
and pierce intentions.

The draped green
leaves' shade
is sunlight guarded by pain,
which the grass wished undone
as pictures do of broken frames
no longer hung.
The rustled shadows
resonate your name
like beginnings not begun,
acknowledging the existence
that's unknown by our eyes.

 

Sadness sends our glares down,
ignoring infinite sky,
drawn to the ground,
each on the trunk's other side.

We are separate but equal
as we lie underneath
tonight’s bright moon, full
of shade from draped green
leaves, our willow,
unseen.

Author's Note

The third stanza used to be like this:

"The draped green
leaves' shade, sun
light guarded by pain
that grass wished undone
as pictures do of broken frames
no longer hung,
resonates your name
like beginnings not begun,
acknowledging existence
unknown by our eyes."

Let me know whether the new or old is better. Thank you.

Reviews

[Kelly Scheppers]

I got a little lost at "resonates your name..." the lines before that are perfect, but somehow it just didn't read right to me after that. However, you quickly regained my attention, and finished with the articulation that I'm beginning to expect from you!

You have such talent, Travis! It's very commanding!

[Maxwell]

Well, I like the idea very much. But I don't think it's one of your better poems.

In general, the timing is awkward at best (Ex: "as pictures do of broken frames/no longer hung,"). I think it's mostly just the number of syllables per line and how the line lengths match up.

Also, same comment as on "She Rains as Snow" -- I would love it if you were a bit clearer in wording and descriptions. Then again, maybe that's just my personal taste.

I'd love to see this in Travis-prime form... it looks like it has the potential to be a very powerful piece.