Old News.

A Poem by hhvvrrr

To the girl who got what I wanted

I'm sorry you felt like you left empty handed before,
I'm sorry that my drowning in a puddle of sweat and waking up every morning feeling like my feet were cinder blocks and this bed was an ocean was not enough of the gift you were looking for,
I'm sorry there is something in your brain that makes you see me as a predator, I never meant to poach on your happiness.
I'm sorry you came here looking for blood but only found drought,
I don't know razor blades anymore,
I don't know wanting to drive myself off of 172 anymore,
I don't know thinking my scarf a noose anymore and I'm sorry you miraged me into your star crossed dream.
I'm sorry you feel unwanted hands all over your body when you see my happiness,
I know he ended up not being what you wanted, he wasn't what I thought I was getting either.
I'm sorry you had life inside of you and you felt the need to splash it all over break room headlines, I'm sorry you told my friends that I wasn't dinner enough for him, that when he wanted his main course he came for your jugular instead.
I'm sorry I have been working on forgiveness for damn near 4 years but I have never really said I'm sorry to you because I'm not sure I'll ever want your name and a pardon to ever touch my lips in the same breathe.
I'm sorry the first time around, the hospital gown, the rusted over thigh, my grandmother begging me to live, my inability to shower without salivating over blood running down the drain was not enough for you. I'm sorry you came back for seconds. I'm sorry you came back for thirds.

To the boy who called me crazy on the street and told all of our friends I was a psycho,

Thank you for dragging this out,
Thank you for promising me I'd never cut again the first time you kissed my forehead, you were right, I didn't have to hurt myself over selfish people,
Thank you for the cat,
Thank you for wanting to fix me and then realizing you couldn't.
Thank you for handing me the rope but telling me you wouldn't kick the stool out from underneath me.
Thank you for 2 am PB&J the week before you looked at me like I didn't belong in the home we built together. Don't you remember blistering your hands nailing me to the wall, begging me to stay.
Thank you for leaving me when you did, thank you reminding me love is kind but also can be used as warfare. Thank you for teaching me my worth and also teaching me that no matter how much you feel for someone, it's their choice to stay. I'm sorry I'm not sorry you left anymore. I'm sorry I looked at you like you put stars in the sky. Thank you.